Everyone has a persona here that may or may not reflect who they really are. Many are fearful to be vulnerable in public. I, obviously, do not have this fear, but in coming to ILP I have inadvertantly seen myself in a different light - kind of like looking in a mirror. If you analyze your posts - and this is all of you - you will see certain traits that are constant. People get to know you, expect certain behaviour, and see humor, anxiety, argumentativness etc. I found it fascinating that before I came here I didn’t realize how freaking angry I am. You don’t see it that often because I am so damn silly most of the time… but about every 12th post or so, I will go back and reread something of mine and realize that I must have a touch of schizophenia. Much of this is due to being emotionally and verbally abused as a kid. I was told I was stupid every day of my life until (last year?) You don’t understand what that does to your psyche. It doesn’t matter how happy you are - you just have that low grade fever of seething underneath, and POW - all of a sudden it comes out, when you least expect it and it scares the hell out of everyone listening.
This post isn’t to apologize, but to have others look in the mirror for themselves. A perfect example is ( Philosophy forum “User Guide” was my latest wild-woman post) where Satyr (don’t know him, never talked to him) was talking above my head. Well, as far as I was concerned, this bastard was my mother taunting me saying. " you stupid moron of a girl, don’t you even know how to read, you simple fuck?"
So, I would like to say that in order to read my posts with any coherence, you need to understand that my life has not been about chocloate covered sunshine. My childhood has followed me for years, long after I made my quick escape, never to look back, and only to look forward. I can see the future as much as I like, but stupid, stupid Sara is always there to feel insecure and hurt. I am now a very strong woman that, believe me, has the self esteem to nail your ass pretty profoundly. She has grown up. She understands who she is. She can see the truth in it and see past the pain. She can hold her head up high because she is an accomplished artist, musician, teacher and mother. But that angry little girl is lurking every minute inside her, and you never know when she will appear to stand up, get in your face, and fight for herself with her clenched fists high in the air.
I hope you’re not playing like you have the above situation goin’ on with you, just to see if you can get other similarly-situated people to come out of their shell and put themselves on display…
If you’re not, then just know that you (and other similarly-situated folks) don’t have to worry about me judging you.
That anger sort of reminds me of PTSD a little. You can see it for what it is, but you feel it anyway. Sucks, don’t it?
I have no reason to tease people into exposing their truths, but I can understand why you think I would do so. I’m not worried about being judged because I really don’t care what everyone thinks of me here. I am relatively sure if I get any responses that most of them will be women anyway. I am convinced that men have a much harder time being emotional and exposing foibles that would jeopardize their reputation of being top of the heap tough guy intellectuals. Women are looked down upon for getting hormonal, and what they don’t realize is that we women love emotional men. Anyway, it isn’t their fault. They were raised not to cry or show emotion - they were even called sissies back when I was a kid. It is driven by our culture and turns into this ego thing. My ego was ripped from me years ago, and I have an underbelly that is quite soft. But that weird stuff is in there and I don’t seem to be able to get rid of it. I guess when you are raised by the “Master of Disaster” you get subliminal lessons on anger that are buried inside you.
It’s pretty sad that you think I’m that much of a conniving person, but hey, I did write Bessy Is a Guy, and I still have people convinced that I wear tighty whities and grow a beard. Think what you will. But I will fall over if one guy is brave enough to tell their story. Betcha it won’t happen. I’m sure Adlerian will put his two cents in (thank God) but I really want to hear his story, not his professional advice. Now that would be interesting especially given his unique personality.
I have a paranoid question: You said that you grew up near where I live and continue to live in the states, however, you spell “behavior” in the English or Canadian manner as in “behaviour”. What’s up with that?
Ah…I have never met an American in my life that spells like an English person. It’s quite curious!
Perhaps your spell check needs a spanner taken to it! If that doesn’t work just call the fix-it man’s lorry and he can pick it up from your flat! Cheery oh!
I should change this post to "Don’t ever lie. People will NEVER believe you again. Okay, I am an English guy, I am gay, but am planning a sex change next week. I am a psychotherapist myself in my spare time when I am not doing brain surgery. I may run for office - President, or would that be Prime Minister. No, no it has to be KING.
I give up, cynical people - but I can’t say I blame you.
I never lied anyway - IT was a JOKE. Uniqor knows it, so does Tab, vortical, psyque and Km. You are just skirting the issue anyway because you haven’t answered my question. Not that you will.
People from Philly can barely spell as it is! That was a typo!
However, your “behaviour” spelling indicates that you aren’t American!
Ha, ha! What are you up to?
That’s why your life has to be built on love. When your foundation is jello, it is never quite sturdy enough to support the rest of you. I try, but it sure isn’t easy.