Like… Okay, taking all the conspiracy stuff on this site true… Lets say for whatever twisted reason you wanted to join the Illuminati, like by working in their mail room or signing up to be their entry level Kojak Henchman, where would you go to put in a application?
In this scenario, I wouldn’t want to join a independent franchise of the Illuminati working for some independent owner pimping the brand name, paying royalties to the mother illuminate HQ, nor some wanna be spin off group or splinter faction…
I want the real fucking thing. Is there like, a office in Prague or Flint, Michigan that you go into, ring the bell at the counter, and a 30 something female secretary pops her head out and says ‘Ill be with you in just a moment’?
Do you sit in her office, with blinds and a water cooler, and large monitor on her desk, and she looks over your résumé saying:
‘Sooooo, what makes you want to join the Illuminati?’
‘What makes you feel qualified to join our establishment?’
‘What are your expectations on Salary?’
‘Have you any prior convictions, we do background checks, so we will know if your lying’
‘No no no, we don’t do the hovering silent black helicopter thing anymore, that became to cliche, it now all human resources on the ground instead of the high tech approach, people become paranoid and firewall everything, much easier to physically intimidate a few than fool the many’
‘No, your lunch hour is only 45 minutes long, not a hour’
‘Have you looked over our generous benifits package?’
Like, do they have super fancy bathrooms, with large air ducts you can crawl around in above each toilet? Are employees encouraged to slither through the air ducts and repel down the elevator shafts when they are going somewhere?
Is there a snack machine in the lunch room, and does the bags of chips ever get stuck in it, and do you get in trouble from Illuminati management if the see you kicking or shaking the machine, or bending a hanger to get the chips, or do you get rewarded for showing the right effort? Furthermore… is it stocked up by a civilian delivery man, making deliveries to the Illuminati HQ, between The Bank of Scotland run and his Office Depot break room runs, or do robbed men chanting Latin fill the machine up, or a overpriced janitor/Mafios named Big Tommy do it in a slick Armani suit, because you gotta be that bad ass to be even a janitor for the illuminati?
Is there a dedicated HR department for the Illuminati? I honestly don’t see how they can exist without one, being a international multigenerational conspiracy and all… someone gotta be tracking people, and a conspiracy that large requires a large HR Department… with a whole lot of collating and printing on laser printers, and a supply room, and the occasional office fling in the supply room, and office prep talks on moral, and meeting target goals for worldwide control and domination. And some people are going to be flat footed or have cankles, big noses and weird skin growths, one bound to be hung over and not really paying attention, responding to his questions late or not clapping as enthusiastically as the rest of the office.
And fuck… Illuminati cubicals. Someone is bound to have baby pictures, family photos of Disneyworld.
Poor accounting… Having to show bar graphs and pie charts of occasional diminishing returns of international population control and the sheeple’s self awareness if conspiracy. I would hate to be the guy who has to break it to middle management that March’s global domination was lower than expected, and may have trends stemming from poor middle management, and not enough good old fashion leadership.
You’ll also have your feuds between the guys who invented Keynesian Economics, Marxist Ecomomics, and Austrian battling it out in bullshit ideological arguments none of them can seriously get behind on without bursting out laughing, each explaining what ‘their Ecomomics’ actually is before dictating to the news media outlets the business news of the day.
Do you think they use company cars, or rent cars from Hertz? If they have their own, do they like, use Geico incase they have an accident so they keep a low profile?
Do people occasional sneak into the Illuminati HQ and start screaming shit, and it takes security a few minutes to arrive, and while everyone is running away from him, dodging staplers from being thrown at them, are amazed half the shit he is saying isn’t even stuff they are doing, or even cover stories they are using? Do you think they would be prideful he gets so much wrong, or ashamed he- the guy who broke into the office and found them out, didn’t really grasp what exactly they all were doing?
It’s gotta hurt esprite de corps, knowing the public doesn’t appreciate your companies larger contributions to society. Some people like, probably sit at home, eating asparagus and steak with the wife, talking about the kid in college or the neighbors, and them put the fork down mid sentence and just start crying, saying they regret not being someone appreciated like a doctor or a fireman.
They got to go to a shrink… the shrink is like 'what do you do for a living ‘I work for the illuminati’…
‘And soooooo… Ummm, how does that make you feel?’
‘I want to become a better person, more passionate about life, to feel the wind on my face, to dance with my wife in a muddy countryside intersection in the pouring rain, to be loved and appreciated, not secreted and alienated from behind the scenes. I want to become one with my inner self, and become a new me.’
