Why do people lie and cheat to people they are supposed to be closest to.
Why the need?
I just found out that two people I love dearly are at this point. Its not the first time I have known people to be at this point and sadly it probably won’t be the last. I have asked but, have only recieved B.S. answers face to face. Perhaps here on a forum where we are anonymous we can get truth.
Why? Why lie, cheat and deceive the person or people that is or are supposed to be closest to you? They always find out. It makes no sense at all. Small deceptions are understandable but , shit, why do harmful ones?
I’m not sure if there is any good reason to cheat or deceive those closest to you, however I can think of some things that might drive a person to do so. I recall a time when I was so frustrated with someone I was close to, that being open with the person seemed like it would only cause more pain to both parties. I suppose it could have been all in my head, but I thought that the best thing to do in that case was not to be open. I guess it was implicit in my thinking that pain was bad, but perhaps it would have been best to be honest with the person, despite what I thought would be painful.
It’s unconscious mostly, when you meet, talk to and see other people, you are AUTOMATICALLY attracted to them, you don’t choose.
ATTRACTION ISN’T A CHOICE. Neither are feelings of “love”, for instance if there was a girl or guy you didn’t particularly like (or hated) there is no way they can convince you to “love” or feel genuine feelings for theem because it is for the most part an automatic response.
Do you choose to laugh?
People do what feels good in the moment, evolutionarily programmed feelings that initiate behaviour… often trump principles very easily.
You can see this in politics all the time, it works on the same principles of on the emotional / instinctual level.
People cheat because of what they conclude when they do a cost benefit analysis of the action, (conscious of it or not), and examine the comparison level of alternatives.
People cheat and lie because they think they just might get away with it. It might also be that they do not really want to hurt the person they are cheating on or most of all avoid the pain of telling the truth to the person they are cheating on.
I think it just boils down to ego, as in I cannot be bothered to work on this relationship as I have done in the past.
I also think that sometimes a lie might never be found out, but its down to how good one can hide their actions from the other.
Most seem to be thinking spouses only. I mean family, closest friends that are like family and yes spouses, children and parents.
I have seen my family at various times hide lie and cheat each other. petty little things semi Ok, but, big stuff? Jeez.
Found out recently my folks lied to us about something. Problem is I am the only one that knows. If the other kids knew it would hurt them badly especially at this late date. puts me in a bind because it involved me at the time and now they involve me again 15 yrs later due to ramifications of the first event. Yippee, they did not have to tell me they could have kept quiet. but, nooooo, they felt the need to do this. And now I am responsible too.
The lie originated because of diplomacy or rather of fear of being unable to be diplomatic enough to not cause problems. Surely if you are the parents you put your foot down say how it is and tell your grown kids to shut up and behave. You don’t hide. And you don’t seperate the kids out.
I don’t want to say that this is the only reason people cheat on and deceive their partners, but I think the following has exacerbated the problem: the sexual revolution has devalued sex, marriage and commitment are seen by many as relics of the past, and divorce is almost a given. There is a great deal of cynicism - any given relationship is seen as highly likely to fail. People expect their partner to cheat on them, so why not do their own cheating? People expect their relationships to fail, so why invest in them? A sexual relationship doesn’t carry as much weight and import when casual sex is the norm. Modern living drives us to replace what we are dissatisfied with, rather than working on improving it.
Real, it just seems to me that love for family and friends means being able to tell people the hard stuff. Stuff that might hurt but, truth at least shows respect and given time you can work out problems. Its kind of wierd because that is what my folks taught me, now they went against it so badly. To tell the whole thing is long and involved, tedious might be better.
I was chosen to attend a family function, that I was chosen I did not know. Sibs were told only one kid per parent could attend due to the guest amount and since they had visited all of them and not me they wanted to spend time with my boy and I. (OK load of crap right there.) I did not know they told my sibs this. I was told the others had to work and could not attend. The reasons for not wanting my sibs to attend this family function is because of behavior and attitude. See this was a very formal function that included people not of the family. People who are very well known… Ok we (sibs and I not our cousins but,Ok it just gets wierd here.)were raised not knowing our family and its ummm position? Sounds wierd I know. but, hey every family has its quirks.
See where this is going? yea… well there is the crux of the lie. It has more but, you can follow it with imagination.
See I would have told my kids the truth. That is what I was taught and that is what I believe. small petty crap Ok. big stuff, never in a million years do you lie about it. Now I have to or I get the shit end of the stick and so do my folks. Gaaaaaahhhhhhhh.
Truth is the real “philosopher’s stone.” The sole supposed material that every philosopher might be after.
But I don’t think Truth is necessary in sociological factors. Ethics declares a necessity for honesty in certain contexts. There is reason to adhere to contracts. There is rarely reason to tell someone everything. People seem to believe in a sociological factor in which each person can have this universal confidente. That one person you admit anything to and confide in. Others believe in a universal institution. That one system which governs what you do and if you do what they say, it’s all fine. But does any other animal on this planet really have such a thing? Are we fooling ourselves?
No scripture is more doctrinal for me, no person is more reliable to me, than a simple blank piece of paper on a table. In a sense, the “tabula rasa.” If I want to work something out, figure something out, remember, explain- It’s there and not much anywhere else. That paper is the random chaos of my neurons meshing into some organized cohesive structure. I live as its embassador to the rest of the world, appealing to other’s sense of reason, and affirming that the random jumble yet to be sorted is not really their business.
Mind you. Simple writing is not healthy cognitive therapy. Appealing to other reason is all part of testing a good thesis.
So, Kriswest, you’re right to say that there’s a risk of immorality in dishonesty; particularly in closely-knit, interdependant, vulnerable relationships. But really- there needs to be some identifiable contract which has been breached -a clearly suffering unwilling victim- before we say it’s wrong. Fact is, I think human beings have no traditional doctrinal system of behaviour toward one another that solves problems. They solve them creatively, frighteningly, oddly. They just portray that narrow tradition in order to uphold some arbitrary values to the rest of the world. Couples all over the place cheat behind eachother’s backs. There’s a fairly successful website specifically for secretly pairing bored wives with horny men. I think you should take their deviant, possibly volatile, lifestyle with a grain of salt. Or in this case, a bowl of popcorn.
I work under the theory that all forms of life are ultimatly acting selfishly… Seeking plesure and avoiding pain…
Whenever we cheat it is ultimately because we figure we stand to gain from doing so…Either in social standing or by experiecing a plesure with less than equally negetive consiquences…
Sometimes we do things we later regret… mainly because we failed to accurately predict either the outcome or our future needs… and end up harming ourselves.
my personal conclusion is that in the end… cheating on one’s “tribe” is never worth it… because we lower our value to the tribe by doing so… and thus increase the likelyhood that we are rejected by it. At which time we are all alone and it becomes that much harder to obtain plesure and avoid pain.
