Zappa's Page

There’s two or three Zappa threads around here somewhere but I’m too lazy to look for them now. I might look for them in the near future and, with a moderators assistance, consolidate them all into one thread.

Post quotes, lyrics, pictures, etc., by/of/from Frank Zappa in this thread.

Here on some cool quotes that I found on the net.

  1. Jazz is not dead…it just smells funny.

  2. Stupidity is the basic building block of the universe.

  3. There is no hell. There is only France.

  4. Don’t mind your make-up, you’d better make your mind up.

  5. Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid.

  6. It is always advisable to be a loser if you cannot become a winner.

  7. A mind is like a parachute. It doesnt work if it’s not open.

  8. If we can’t be free at least we can be cheap.

  9. Sometimes you got to get sick before you can feel better.

  10. You can’t be a Real Country unless you have a BEER and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER.

  11. There will never be a nuclear war; there’s too much real estate involved.

  12. Consider for a moment any beauty in the name Ralph.

  13. Why do you necessarily have to be wrong just because a few million people think you are?

  14. Outdoors for me is walking from the car to the ticket desk at the airport

  15. You drank beer, you played golf, you watched football - WE EVOLVED!

  16. You have just destroyed one model XQJ-37 nuclear powered pansexual roto-plooker…and you’re gonna have to pay for it.

  17. Interviewer: “So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?”
    FZ: “You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?”

  18. Without deviation from the norm, ‘progress’ is not possible.

  19. It’s better to have something to remember than nothing to reget…

  20. Who are the brain police?

  21. The people of your century no longer require the service of composers.
    A composer is as useful to a person in a jogging suit as a dinsoaur turd in the middle of his runway.

  22. There are more love songs than anything else.
    If songs could make you do something we’d all love one another.

  23. I’m not black, but there’s a whole lot of times I wish I could say I’m not white.

  24. Most people wouldn’t know good music if it came up and bit them in the ass.

  25. Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.


Tax the FUCK out of the churches!
– Frank Zappa

Beware of the fish people, they are the true enemy.
– Frank Zappa, speech to a pro-choice rally in Los Angeles around 1989-90

The language and concepts contained herein are guaranteed not to cause eternal torment in the place where the guy with the horns and pointed stick conducts his business.
– Frank Zappa

I don’t think there’s a problem. First of all, I don’t think music turns people into social liabilities. Because you hear a lyric – there’s no medical proof that a person hearing a lyric is going to act out the lyric. There’s also no medical proof that if you hear any collection of vowels and consonants, that the hearing of that collection is going to send you to Hell.
– Frank Zappa, interview, WRIF, 1985

It has never mattered to me that thirty million people might think I’m wrong. The number of people who thought Hitler was right did not make him right…
Why do you necessarily have to be wrong just because a few million people think you are?
– Frank Zappa, quoted from The Real Frank Zappa Book

Those Jesus Freaks
Well, they’re friendly but
The shit they believe
Has got their minds all shut
An’ they don’t even care
When the church takes a cut
Ain’t it bleak when you got so much nothin’
– Frank Zappa, “The Meek Shall Inherit Nothin’” †â€

Frank ZappaWell, I believe that those energies and processes exist. I just don’t think that they’ve been adequately described or adequately named yet, because people are too willing to make it all into something that supports a religious theory of one flavor or another. If you start defining these things in nuts-and-bolts scientific terms, people reject it because it’s not fun, y’know. It takes some of the romance out of being dead … because of people’s desires to have eternal life and to extend their influence from beyond the grave … all that Houdini type stuff … but basically, I think when you’re dead … you’re dead. It comes with the territory.
– Frank Zappa, Society Pages No. 7, January 12, 1991, quoted from The Way I See It, Barry

There is no hell. There is only France.
– Frank Zappa, You Can’t Do That On Stage Anymore

The other factor that people forget about the southern region is the amount of intermarriage that has already occured there, and so there are certain genetic defects come to the fore when you have a large intermarriage population. That means regression… And in fact Utah is another state, which is basically owned by the Mormon church, which also has a lot of intermarriage. And because this type of intermarriage there is a large proportion of blind people in Utah. That’s why when you go across the street, instead of just a stop light that you can see, they have stop lights that make a cuckoo noise to tell you when to cross the street – that’s true!
– Frank Zappa, Arf Society interview, quoted from The Way I See It, Barry

Remember there’s a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
– Frank Zappa, explaining where the cuckoo sound might come from, on Broadway The Hard Way, recorded in 1988

The whole foundation of Christianity is based on the idea that intellectualism is the work of the Devil. Remember the apple on the tree? Okay, it was the Tree of Knowledge. “You eat this apple, you’re going to be as smart as God. We can’t have that.”
– Frank Zappa

The essence of Christianity is told to us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the Tree of Knowledge. The subtext is, All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just kept your fucking mouth shut and hadn’t asked any questions.
– Frank Zappa, interview, Playboy, May 2, 1993

So, when Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, if you go for all these fairy tales, that “evil” woman convinced the man to eat the apple, but the apple came from the Tree of Knowledge. And the punishment that was then handed down, the woman gets to bleed and the guy’s got to go to work, is the result of a man desiring, because his woman suggested that it would be a good idea, that he get all the knowledge that was supposedly the property and domain of God. So, that right away sets up Christianity as an anti-intellectual religion. You never want to be that smart. If you’re a woman, it’s going to be running down your leg, and if you’re a guy, you’re going to be in the salt mines for the rest of your life. So, just be a dumb fuck and you’ll all go to heaven. That’s the subtext of Christianity.
– Frank Zappa

Frank ZappaAnybody hear the great news, today? Jimmy Swaggart under investigation! Oh Ja-eezus! One day every one of those cocksuckers will get caught! I understand in the case of Mr. Swaggart, that he claims that it was not multiple encounters with many prostitutes – apparently, only one sweet young thing. And he did tell Cal Thomas of the Moral Majority that the sex act itself was not fully consumated. However he did admit to doing something por-no-graphic with the girl. Let’s use our imaginations, ladies and gentlemen.
– Frank Zappa, opening remarks to “Stink Foot” at the Make A Jazz Noise Here show, recorded in 1988

Get smart and I’ll fuck you over – sayeth The Lord.
– Frank Zappa, regarding Christianity’s perpetuation of ignorance as a way of life

Children are naïve – they trust everyone. School is bad enough, but, if you put a child anywhere in the vicinity of a church, you’re asking for trouble.
– Frank Zappa, expressing his opinion on raising a child, saying that institutions such as schools and churches, which have the power to control and brainwash your child, are totally overrated and shouldn’t always be recognized as a genuinely good thing

In every language, the first word after “Mama!” that every kid learns to say is “Mine!” A system that doesn’t allow ownership, that doesn’t allow you to say “Mine!” when you grow up, has – to put it mildly – a fatal design flaw.
From the time Mr. Developing Nation was forced to read The Little Red Book in exchange for a blob of rice, till the time he figured out that waiting in line for a loaf of pumpernickel was boring as fuck, took about three generations…
Decades of indoctrination, manipulation, censorship and KGB excursions haven’t altered this fact: People want a piece of their own little Something-or-Other, and, if they don’t get it, have a tendency to initiate counterrevolution.
– Frank Zappa

Frank Zappa on stageMy best advice to anyone who wants to raise a happy, mentally healthy child is: Keep him or her as far away from a church as you can.
– Frank Zappa

Yeah, I tell them to change the channel if they see some guy in a brown suit with a telephone number at the bottom of the screen asking for money.
– Frank Zappa, Senate Hearing on “Porn Rock”, 1985, after being asked by Tipper Gore if there was anything on TV he didn’t allow his kids to watch

I think you should leave it up to the parent, because not all parents want to keep their children totally ignorant.
– Frank Zappa, in response to a question from Senator Hollings

If your children ever find out how lame you really are, they’ll gonna murder you in your sleep.
– Frank Zappa, quoted from Whole Grains, an early 1970’s book of quotations

Why doncha come on over to the house and I’ll show 'em to ya?
– Frank Zappa, on being asked by Sen. Paula Hawkins from Florida, “I’d like to see what kind of toys your children play with,” at the Senate hearing on pornography in music

Consider for a moment any beauty in the name Ralph.
– Frank Zappa, on being asked by Joan Rivers why he gave his children such odd names

People make a lot of fuss about my kids having such supposedly ‘strange names’, but the fact is that no matter what first names I might have given them, it is the last name that is going to get them in trouble.
– Frank Zappa, from The Real Frank Zappa Book

The last election just laid the foundation of the next 500 years of Dark Ages.
– Frank Zappa, in 1981

Let’s not be too tough on our own ignorance. It’s the thing that makes America great. If America weren’t incomparably ignorant, how could we have tolerated the last eight years?
– Frank Zappa, in 1988

Scientology, how about that? You hold on to the tin cans and then this guy asks you a bunch of questions, and if you pay enough money you get to join the master race. How’s that for a religion?
– Frank Zappa, to a concert audience at the Rockpile, Toronto, May 1969

There are more love songs than anything else. If songs could make you do something we’d all love one another.
– Frank Zappa, quoted from Cyber Nation’s quotations section

I wrote a song about dental floss but did anyone’s teeth get cleaner?
– Frank Zappa, Senate Hearing on “Porn Rock”, 1985, in response to Tipper Gore’s allegations that music incites people towards deviant behavior, or influences their behavior in general

Bad facts make bad law, and people who write bad laws are in my opinion more dangerous than songwriters who celebrate sexuality.
– Frank Zappa, Statement to the Senate Hearing on “Porn Rock,” 1985

Frank Zappa (Bettmann, 1994)The establishment of a rating system, voluntary or otherwise, opens the door to an endless parade of moral quality control programs based on things certain Christians do not like. What if the next bunch of Washington wives demands a large yellow “J” on all material written or performed by Jews, in order to save helpless children from exposure to concealed Zionist doctrine?
– Frank Zappa, Statement to the Senate Hearing on “Porn Rock,” 1985

There is no such thing as a dirty word. Nor is there a word so powerful, that it’s going to send the listener to the lake of fire upon hearing it.
– Frank Zappa

Information doesn’t kill you.
– Frank Zappa, at the Senate Hearing on “Porn Rock”, 1985 during an exchange with a Born Again Christian

May your shit come to life and kiss you on the face.
– Frank Zappa, to Mrs. Gore about parental advisory labels on album covers

You can’t always write a chord ugly enough to say what you want to say, so sometimes you have to rely on a giraffe filled with whipped cream.
– Frank Zappa, promotional postcard from Rykodisc

Anyone who is disturbed by the idea of newts in a nightclub is potentially dangerous.
– Frank Zappa, at one of his trials, responding to a prosecuting lawyer who had quoted some of his lyrics which pertained to newts in a nightclub, after which which the lawyer said he found this image disturbing

You’ve got to be digging it while it’s happening 'cause it just might be a one shot deal.
– Frank Zappa, Waka/Jawaka

If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest or some guy on TV telling you how to do your shit, then YOU DESERVE IT.
– Frank Zappa, The Real Frank Zappa Book

Whatever you have to do to have a good time, let’s get on with it, so long as it doesn’t cause a murder.
– Frank Zappa

So long as somebody gets a laugh out of it, what the fuck?
– Frank Zappa, Guitar Player’s “Mother of All Interviews” part 2

The crux of the biscuit is: If it entertains you, fine. Enjoy it. If it doesn’t, then blow it out your ass. I do it to amuse myself. If I like it, I release it. If somebody else likes it, that’s a bonus.
– Frank Zappa, interview, Playboy, May 2, 1993

It’s fucking great to be alive, ladies and gentlemen, and if you do not believe it is fucking great to be alive, you better go now, because this show will bring you down so much.
– Frank Zappa, from Just Another Band From L.A.

The whole Universe is a large joke.
Everything in the Universe are just subdivisions of this joke.
So why take anything too serious.
– Frank Zappa, in September, 1992, on SFB 3 when he gave an interview about the Yellow Shark

Well Mike, I’m abnormal.
– Frank Zappa, on being asked by Mike Douglas (he appeared solo, playing guitar with recorded backup): “Your latest album is called Zoot Allures – how do you come up with such names for your records?”

I never set out to be wierd. It was always the other people who called me wierd.
– Frank Zappa, to The Baltimore Sun, October 12, 1986

Nobody looks good with brown lipstick on.
– Frank Zappa, from The Real Frank Zappa Book

well obviously, here’s my transcedental interview with the guy

zenofeller.com/TIzappa1.html

and ancient lore has it that if you ask zenofeller (through the proper channels) for a specific song you are missing he might send it to you. counts as a miracle i reckon.

Portions taken from the liner-notes in the album entitled: “Have I Offended Someone?”

“Sometime during the last year and a half of his life, Frank Zappa assembled the tunes for Have I Offended Someone?, a group of compositions created over a twelve year period, from 1973 through 1985. There is something in this 15-piece collection to offend almost everyone- gays, Jewish princesses, feminists, Christians, Satanists, record executives, the Musicians Union, young women from the San Fernando Valley, partisans of the Parisian toilet-kiosk, insecure young men who like to dance in clubs, Jimi Hendrix fans, and punkers with chops, to mention a few.”

“Zappa was a brilliant rhapsodist, in the ancient Greek sense of a rhapsodist as a singer who “stiches together” fragments from a variety of sources to form a work. His up-tempo rhapsodies seem sometimes like complex mathematical surfaces- smooth, ultra-rehearsed and very difficult to play, their fast paced story lines of satire and lust frolicking within and above the weave of the music. Zappa perfected a genre that could be called songs-stos, or short stories in song, using the rhapsodic techniques he had developed. The interest of the listener is kept through myriad changes in the drum meters, riffs, fills, background vocals, special effects, unusual chord sequences, swift transformations in mood and tone, and the like. It’s a powerful genre, and Zappa’s researches point out a new direction for American operatic form.”"

Hello F(r)iends,

I must say that I have become a bigger Zappa fan…
The guy had an impressive perspective on just about everything from religion to god.
Of course I tease, but his discourse on various issues can be appreciated by a cynic like me…

-Thirst4MoreZappa

consider a good chunk of that is taken out of congressional hearings transcripts. can you say HUAC ? go there and see what cocksuckers most people in showbiz turned out to be when confronted with a such hearing.

so… i’m seriously considering having the Why doncha come on over to the house and I’ll show 'em to ya? line framed for my wall.

Excellent, gentlemen. I promote Zappa wherever I go. Matthew and BillWaltonSexUniversity have recently aquired the taste as well.

If you haven’t seen Zenofeller’s interview, check it out. Its very entertaining. In fact, his whole site is great.

ilovephilosophy.com/phpbb/vi … ight=zappa

ilovephilosophy.com/phpbb/vi … ight=zappa

ilovephilosophy.com/phpbb/vi … ight=zappa

3 Zappa threads I found.

the real thing about the guy is not really that he’s right. which he doesn’t claim to be, either. it’s that he won’t take bullshit from idiots, no matter how highly their peer idiots regard the respective idiots in the first place. one quote says all :

I think you should leave it up to the parent, because not all parents want to keep their children totally ignorant.
– Frank Zappa, in response to a question from Senator Hollings

Why doncha come on over to the house and I’ll show 'em to ya?
– Frank Zappa, on being asked by Sen. Paula Hawkins from Florida, “I’d like to see what kind of toys your children play with,” at the Senate hearing on pornography in music

ok, so it’s two quotes. now compare this to the way most showbiz people behaved in huac and mc carthy hearings. i think frank zappa and joseph welch are most of the list of people who ever behaved like more than moral turds in there, and zappa didn’t even have formal legal training.

You probably did a simple search, didn’t you?

I am a lazy ass, so much it astounds me.

Hey moderators, can I somehow converge these threads?

finally checked out your site, zenofeller… the “interview” with Zappa… and a few other pages. The televangelist bit is hilarious.

Enjoyed the quotes in this thread.

Detrop, what 5 or so albums would you suggest buying to some one who has had a kind of periphery interest in Zappa for a while, but has never acted or focused upon it whatsoever. For a person just starting 60 + albums can look a little overwhelming. And, just out of curiousity, what is your opinion of Captain Beefheart?

Concordant:

It depends, really. I have often refered to Zappa as a “musician’s musician,” meaning that a larger percent of the appreciation is founded in the musical composition by itself…and not so much the “lyrical” content or subject matter. This made him rather unpopular to the mainstream music industry, although he was known in the ‘studio musician’s’ circle as an elite. If you read up on his history you will see that he desired to compose music for large orchestras, and in fact did at various points in his career. However, he quickly found out that such a career wouldn’t ‘pay the bills,’ and then set out to form a rock-and-roll band as an alternative because, of course, in the mid to late sixties that was the popular genera of music.

Two things can be said about this up front. He did ‘enjoy’ rock-and-roll, but what bothered him was the atmosphere it produced, the ‘following of the fans’ specifically and the image of the ‘rock-star.’ In a brilliant reversal, not only did he gather the most well-trained musicians in his band(s) to insure the integrity of the music, but he also took advantage of the opportunity to make a profound mockery of the mainstream industry that he entered. For example, the “Mothers of Invention” was a band developed in the sixties. What did they do? They took the atmosphere of sixties-rock and made it look ridiculous, indeed it was. He absolutely despised ‘hippies,’ which was the dominant culture evolving at the time, and his music was put forth as a caveat. Eventually, the Mothers of Invention was ended in the early seventies for, and I quote, “I won’t play for an audience who claps for the wrong reasons.”

The seventies decade was his most powerful point. He assembled the most schooled, professionl musicians he could find, and mixed the elements of rock, blues, and jazz to form his own unique sound. As he always focused primarily on the instrumental compostion, he wrote lyrics as a sort of ‘filler,’ but then at the same time he made sure that they not be taken seriously. He loved satire, especially, and used comedy as a medium to deliver lyrics. Sick of love-songs and angry songs and songs that complain, he took these archtypes and reversed them.

In short, a listener either loved or hated him. To say that he raped the music industry is an understatement, an inside joke for the musical elite. Essentially what he did was take rock and roll, beat it into oblivion, and hand it back to the public with a sarcastic “you were saying?”

Zappa was a composer. He didn’t sit around a garage playing until something stuck. He literally ‘wrote’ the music before it was played…he heard it in his head first…then put it on paper. He’d spend hours drafting scripts, which he would then hire musicians to play. The band was always his, and his alone. Every note you hear, excepting the allowed periods of improvisation, was organized by Frank. Think of it like this. If music was physics…he’d be Stephen Hawkings. (Who he actually dedicated his book to, now that I mention it.)

But your right, sixty plus albums is kinda overwhelming. I would suggest starting with “Freak Out,” the first album by the Mothers of Invention. You’ll get a kick out of it. Of course I’d tell you to buy them all, but that’s a big order.

How about these albums to start:

Hot Rats
Waka/Jawaka
The Grand Wazoo
Apostrophe
Roxy and Elsewhere

(damn! I only get to suggest five!?)

Captain Beefheart was a childhood friend of Frank’s, and a well learned musician too. They remained together for a few albums but eventually parted ways because of differences in musical interests. See, Beefheart, ironically, was too satrical for Frank’s taste, and there came a point where Frank began composing more serious music where Beefheart wouldn’t fit in, as I understand it. There might be more details concerning that matter which I am not aware of. I’ve never bought any of Beefheart’s solo material so I don’t know much about it.

“but i got a crystal ball !”
so i snatched it
all away from him
and i showed him how to do it right…

The album is very long, a double disk. Here are two songs. Now, the theme of the album evolves over a period of time, and to really understand what is going on you’d have to hear it from beginning to end. However, even without hearing it you might find the script for these two songs very entertaining.

A synopsis: Harry and Rhonda attend a broadway show, the host is “Thing-Fish,” a deformed human being who has contrated AIDS accidentally after an ethnic cleansing operation conducted by the “white red-neck” gets out of control. Events (which would take a post itself to explain, so I’ll skip it) lead up to Harry becoming gay, and Rhonda, his wife, is outraged.

Artist - Frank Zappa

Album - Thing-Fish

Frank Zappa (guitar, synclavier)
Steve Vai (guitar)
Ray White (guitar, vocals)
Tommy Mars (keyboards)
Chuck Wild (piano)
Arthur Barrow (bass)
Scott Thunes (bass)
Jay Anderson (string bass)
Ed Mann (percussion)
Chad Wackerman (drums)
Ike Willis (vocals)
Terry Bozzio (vocals)
Dale Bozzio (vocals)
Napoleon Murphy Brock (vocals)
Bob Harris (vocals)
Johnny Guitar Watson (vocals)


Lyrics - Briefcase Boogie

HARRY: (to THING-FISH)
Anything you say, master! Take me, I’m yours!

RHONDA: (Broadway-style fake singing)
Jingle bells, Jingle bells,
Jingle all the way!
Oh, what fun it is to ride
To Chicago every day, oh…

THING-FISH:
Oooh, lawd! Lookit you, boy! Chain thoo de nipples 'n evvy goddam thing! You a sick white muthafucker, ain’tcha?

RHONDA:
Bells on bob-tail ring,
Making spirits bright!
Oh, what fun it is to ride
To Chicago every night, oh…

HARRY:
For Chrissake, RHONDA! Have you no SHAME?

THING-FISH:
Y’all make up y’mind yet, ‘bouts de MAMMY o’ yo’ dreams?

HARRY:
You bet! I’ve waited ALL MY LIFE for this moment! My heart is fluttering! If only I could submit myself on approval, for a limited time only…to …to that nasty little rubber MAMMY on your knee…

THING-FISH:
SISTER OB’DEWLLA ‘X’? De mys’try SISTER? Y’all wants t’party hearty with de min’yature rubber MAMMY wit de string out de back? Yow! Dintcha get 'nuff ‘buse fum de other bitch when y’was livin’ in de card-bo’d hut?

RHONDA:
HARRY…HARRY…hey! HARRY! Fucking wor-r-r-mmmmmmmmmm! I want a DIVORCE, HARRY!

HARRY:
Not now, dearest, PLEASE! This is serious! Little MAMMY, what’ll it be? Hips or lips?

HARRY snatches SISTER OB’DEWLLA ‘X’ away from THING-FISH, bashing himself with it in an irrational manner.

RHONDA un-zips the Santa Claus costume, revealing the rubber body suit, hoping for some sign of interest from her deranged husband. There isn’t any…he’s beating the fuck out of himself and loving every minute of it.

She squeezes her rubber tits, as if to squirt them at him. Still no interest.

RHONDA:
You’re a wor-r-r-r-mmmmmmm! A fucking WOR-R-R-R-M-M-M-M-MMMMMMMMMMM! These are my TITS, HARRY! I have TITS! Look! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT MY WONDERFUL TITS, YOU FUCKING WOR-R-R-R-R-MMMMMMMM! I’m going to pretend I’m SQUIRTING THEM ON YOU! Whoo! Wheeeee! ALMOST GOTCHA!

HARRY:
Not now, RHONDA! Ow! Oof! Oh, I love this! Hurt me! Hurt me! Oh, pull my chain, you tiny potato-headed whatchamacallit!

RHONDA:
They’re almost squirting, HARRY! Look! Look! Whoooooo! Whooooo! Whoooo! You fucking worm!

THING-FISH:
OB’DEWLLA! Is y’awright? Don’t be pullin’ de boy’s chain too hard dere! He gots ‘nuthuh show t’do t’morrow! Don’t put dat in yo’ MOUF, girl! I knows y’cain hep y’seff wit dat crazy muthafucker ‘busin’ you like dat, but jes’ hang on a lil’ longuh…he be droppin’ de wad putty soon now!

RHONDA: (pinching her nipples, jiggling her tits)
Jingle bells, jingle bells…

HARRY:
Oh! This is divine!

RHONDA:
This is my PUSSY, HARRY! Look! See it? You know what I’m gonna do with it, you worm? I’m gonna make it FUCK SOMETHING! That’s right! You won’t get any of it…because you’re DISGUSTING! An’ I don’t need you, MR. FIRST-NIGHTER! My wonderful, wonderful pussy doesn’t need you! I have my BRIEFCASE, HARRY! I’m going to FUCK MY BRIEFCASE! I’m going to…look! Look at this! I got it right over here! There! See it? My BIG, BROWN, BRIEFCASE! MY BRIEFCASE! It’s BIG, HARRY! It’s full of BUSINESS PAPERS…from MY CAREER!

A tan and brown briefcase, seven feet tall, is lowered in. FRANCESCO watches it land near his window. He exits the bungalow with a can of Crisco and a violin case. n pantomime, he cautiously interrupts RHONDA’S monologue, suggesting that she examine the contents of the case. It contains a strap-on dildo of such ridiculous proportions that a chain leading from just behind the head of it must be hooked to a leather dog collar around RHONDA’S neck, in order to hold it up. FRANCESCO recommends the Crisco as a lubricant, daubs on a bit with a miniature doll’s foot, finally indicating that she conceal her pubic hair with a cardboard box, in the manner preferred by famous singing Christians.

RHONDA reaches inside the briefcase and locates her ‘SPECIAL ATOMIC GLASSES’ (with tiny doll arms reaching out through tiny cardboard boxes), and puts them on.

She reaches in again and finds an artificial hamburger with a red ribbon on it. She mounts it on top of her head, tying the ribbon in a neat bow below her chin. Ready at last, she humps the briefcase vigorously.

RHONDA: (contd.)
I’m gonna put my GLASSES ON, HARRY! I’m gonna put my hair up in a BUN! Then, I’m going FUCK FUCK FUCK! Ha-ha-ha-hahhhhh! Look! See me? See how I got my hair up? Whooo! I’m REALLY DOING IT! Unngh! Unngh!

HARRY:
RHONDA…have you no SHAME! Keep the briefcase closed, for chrissake! All your documents are falling out!

RHONDA: (as over-sized file folders emerge)
Unngh! I’m GOOD! Oh God I’m good! Harder! Faster! Unngh! Unngh! This is TERRIFIC! Boy, I need it so bad…

HARRY:
Those are the Warner Brothers files, aren’t they dear? Don’t you think there’ll be some questions about the condition of the blue paper?

THING-FISH:
Girl! Bes’ be careful wit de latch!

RHONDA: (with the handle in her mouth, semi-intelligible)
I’m sucking the handle now, HARRY! Look! Mmmmmm! It tastes GOOD! Mmmmmm! Mmmmmm! The handle! The handle!

HARRY:
Hurt me, OB’DEWLLA! Make me whimper and beg for your tiny rubber love!

After nibbling on it as if it were a giant piece of corn-on-the-cob, THING-FISH hands RHONDA an oversized pink fountain pen with her name on the clip.

RHONDA:
I’ve got a fountain pen, HARRY! I’ve got a fountain pen with MY INITIALS on it! I’m putting it in my mouth, HARRY! I’m gonna get it wet! I’m gonna stuff it up my asshole and ride the briefcase again, you disgusting perverted bastard worm! I’m gonna do it! Look, HARRY! Whooo! Unngh! Unngh! God-damit, HARRY! Watch me! This is for your own good!


Lyrics - Drop Dead

HARRY:
JESUS, that was terrific! I’ve never experienced anything quite like that in a theater before! How 'bout you, RHONDA?

RHONDA:
You’re a worm, HARRY. Drop dead. God, you’re disgusting! Don’t touch me! YUCK! What is this scum on your chest? Did that little rubber MAMMY ‘do something’ on you?

THING-FISH: (alarmed)
OB’DEWLLA! You lil’ vagrant! What you been up to wit de chump over deahh? Lemme see yo’ draw’s! Uh-HUHHHH! Jes’ couldn’t hep y’seff, could ya! Pheww! You best be washin’ dat thang off, dahlin’! I knows we’s sposed ta be un-DESTRUCTABLE, but what you got ripenin’ down dere be puttin’ us all to DE TEST! Yow!

The EVIL PRINCE tap-dances over to THING-FISH, HARRY RHONDA.

EVIL PRINCE: (fake Broadway singing)
Pers’nally, dahlin’, I found de pre-formnence Wit de brief-case To be un-creedably stim-u-lat-nin’!

RHONDA:
Eat shit, you overbearing male chauvinist member of the scientific community!

THING-FISH:
What a sweet lil’ hunk o’ heaven she growed up t’be! When she were deflateable, she dint say nothin’…jes kept her face open like dis… waitin’ fo de salami dat never ‘rived! Now she fuckin’ de briefcase, dumpin’ de paper all over de flo’, hair up in a ugly ol’ bun, fountain pen danglin’ out her asshole, an’ talkin’ dirty to a member o’ de ROYAL FAM’LY!

Girl! Dis cocksucker mights be EVIL, but he AM a PRINCE! Now he be talkin’ de vernak-luh, I’s findin’ it consid’rubly mo’ cornvemient to in- demnify wit his 'point-o-view!

EVIL PRINCE:
Sho’ nuff! Um-hmm! Yeah! You a WISE ol’ MAMMY! Where you fum, 'rijnlyy?

THING-FISH:
Why…uh…SAINT LOOMIS!

EVIL PRINCE:
Goddam! I knew it! I knew it! I could jes’ make it out from yo’ renunciation! Sho’ get hot down deahh in de summer time!

THING-FISH:
DAT no lie…people be croakin’ all over de fuckin’ place! I sees y’all like dat sort o’ thang…jedgin’ fum yo’ wa’d-robe, y’all be WELL INTO death 'n pestilence ‘n shit! Prob’ly got yo-seff quite some ‘spensive educashnin’ goin’ fo ya!

EVIL PRINCE:
Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Heh-heh! Saint Loomis! Damn! Some de ZOMBY-FOLK up de lab-mo-tory got kin deah!

THING-FISH:
Naw! Really? Cain’t be!

EVIL PRINCE:
Oh hell yeah! De ugly dead muthafucker on de string deahh…he related to a buncha other ugly dead muthafuckers fum de East Side…‘n de curly-headed sho’t lil’ ugly dead muthafucker wit de dead dog been fuckin’ de police commissioner!

THING-FISH:
How you know so much ‘bouts what gwine on down deahh, you EVIL COCKSUCKER! Y’all been stayin’ quite well un-formed fum bein’ in de lab-mo-tory most yo’ time!

EVIL PRINCE:
Jes’ might distress yo ass to loin dat on de way home fum de SAN QUENTIM ‘tater mashin’ 'speri- ment, me ‘n de country westin muzishnins’ drop by de college to receive an honorary degree!

THING-FISH:
You lyin’, boy! Dey givin’ degrees in ‘TATER HUSBANDRY’ back de ol’ alma-motta!

EVIL PRINCE:
Dat ALL dey givin’ any mo’! Muthafuckin’ ‘TATER HUSBANDRY’ be de wave o’ de futchum in Saint Loomis! Graduatin’ class were over 700, 'n evvy one of ‘em dealin’ wit dem 'taters like de shrimp-murderers down at Benny-Hanny’s!

THING-FISH: (looking down at OB’DEWLLA)
What? Huh? You wanna what? OB’DEWLLA, de PRINCE jes’ be shootin’ de home-town shit heahh! He ain’t gwine give us no mo’ provlem! What you mean, girl? Okay, okay! Go ‘head ‘n fuck de lil’ CRAB-GRASS BABY wit de enormous white pompadour! Go on deah. Git down wit yo’ nasty lil’ ol’ degenerate seff!

THING-FISH puts the CRAB-GRASS BABY on the floor and positions OB’DEWLLA over it. He places his foot on OB’DEWLLA’S back and pumps both of them up and down. As the computer- speech drones on, THING-FISH watches the spectacle, commenting…

THING-FISH: (contd.)
Twist ‘n shout! Work it on out (‘n in)! Hmmm! Get down! Go on! Give him a little shoe! Dat’s what Denny be doin’…work on Jumbo evvy time! Go on! Get de lil’ pompadour up in de air again! I like dat part! Hmmm! Jes’ like de Olympics!

HARRY:
It’s-it’s fascinating the way things are resolving themselves around here! I-I never would have sus- pected anything like this when we came in!

RHONDA:
Where are your real clothes, HARRY? Are you going back to Long Island like that?

HARRY:
I have nothing to be ashamed of! I have a LOVELY body. Everyone will understand! I’ve-I’ve ACCOM- PLISHED something tonight! I really believe that! I’ve found a sort of fulfilment other men only DREAM about!

RHONDA: (naked, re-stuffing the briefcase)
You’ve accomplished NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL! You’re a MERE WORM…less than that…you’re a useless ALL-AMERICAN ‘MAN-WORM’! The most disgusting creature on the face of the earth. Phooey on you! Worms like you would be NOTHING without ME and MY KIND! WE are THE FUTURE, HARRY! Not you! WE don’t need YOU and YOUR KIND, because OUR KIND is THE BEST KIND!

MAN-KIND is SHIT, HARRY! OUR KIND will get rid of YOUR KIND, just like wiping off this fountain pen, HARRY! Smell it quick, you submissive little cocksucker, 'cause I’m wiping it off… any minute now!

THIS IS SYMBOLISM, HARRY! Really DEEP, INTENSE, THOUGHT-PROVOKING BROADWAY SYMBOLISM! THIS ISN’T ‘DREAM GIRLS’, HARRY! This is the way it REALLY IS…I’m talking to you, HARRY! WE HATE YOU! WE are MODERN, HARRY! You are not ‘MODERN’! Worms are not MODERN!

While YOU became LAWYERS and ACCOUNTANTS, and read PLAYBOY and bought a pipe, WE PLANNED and DREAMED and FUCKED OUR BRIEFCASES while you weren’t looking! Yes, HARRY! That’s right! And we’ve actually been able to REPRODUCE OURSELVES THAT WAY…FOR YEARS, HARRY, but YOU NEVER KNEW! Did you? You worm.

We had SPECIAL ATOMIC GLASSES made…by WOMEN OPTOMETRISTS who promised NEVER to TELL!

We learned how to hide SECRET STUFF, wrapped up in the middle of those severe terminal BUNS we wear! Little TRANSMITTERS, HARRY! Little RECEIVERS! Oh…don’t pretend to be surprised, HARRY! We even had ROOM LEFT OVER in there for all of our most favorite little embroidered delicate secretly feminine child-like helpless pathetic sentimental totally useless PERSONAL ‘GIRL-THINGS’ that smell like the stuff they put in the toilet paper. You played GOLF! You watched FOOTBALL! You drank BEER! We EVOLVED! We only look like WANDAS and RHONDAS! We are SUPERB, HARRY! We are SUBLIME! We are perfect in EVERY WAY! And you? What are you? You are the all-American cocksucker…jizzing all over your leather cocksucker costume after beating the snot out of yourself with a rubber MAMMY!

I simply can’t respect you, HARRY! You are NO GOOD. Go ahead! Smell the pen! Go on…I’m wip- ing it HARRY…there you go…

(I also forgot to explain why Thing-Fish talks with jargon and slang. Along with his deformation, he also was not provided with enough education to speak properly, rendering him somewhat illiterate.)

Anyway, I forgot to post this part in the drama, preceding the argument between Harry and Rhonda. See, before Harry turned gay, and Rhonda became a rabid feminist, America had already set the stage for these things to happen. The following song demonstrates the primary forces, among many others, at work that played a part in Harry’s evolution. The song is called “Harry-as-a-boy.”

(if anyone here has actually listened to the songs and/or album, and wants to analyze it, lemme know. I’d love to discuss it.)

RHONDA:
HARRY! HARRY, is that YOU as a BOY?

HARRY:
Why, it MUST be! He’s so charming and sweet and likeable!

THING-FISH:
HARRY-AS-A-BOY, c’mon over 'n say a few words to de nice peoples!

HARRY-AS-A-BOY:
Hi, folks! Nice to be here!

THING-FISH:
I’s sure dere be lotsa folks like to know what yo’ plans are…how y’intend t’be gwine about dis uncredibly serious bidniss o’ GROWIN’ UP IN ERMERICA!

HARRY-AS-A-BOY:
Well, I plan on making a few mistakes, having my heart broken and so forth, using all kinds of drugs, and turning gay as soon as possible in order to accelerate my rise to the ‘top of the heap’.

THING-FISH:
Ahh! Tremenjous, HARRY-AS-A-BOY, simply tre- MENJOUS! You practicin’ up fo it wit anybody in po-ticlar now?

HARRY-AS-A-BOY:
I can’t afford to study with anyone yet, since the bulk of my allowance goes for glue and Grateful Dead tickets, but soon I hope to be on my knees in a REAL HOMO BATH HOUSE…maybe when my folks go on vacation.

THING-FISH:
Ain’t you de clever one! Tell us, HARRY-AS-A-BOY, howdja recide upon dis heah life-style bein’ DE ONE FO YOU?

HARRY-AS-A-BOY:
It was pretty simple, really. I lost all desire for intercourse with females when they started carrying those briefcases and wearing suits 'n ties.

RHONDA:
WHAT?

HARRY-AS-A-BOY:
Let’s face it: that would be like fucking a slightly more voluptuous version of somebody’s father! I’m far too sensitive for such a traumatic experience!

THING-FISH:
You means DE WOMENS’ LIBROMATION MOVENINT done created de uncontrollable urgement to play dingle-dangle-dingle wit de personal requipment of yo own gender?

HARRY-AS-A-BOY:
To a degree…I mean…look, I’m not stupid! I know it’s all a thoroughly workable government- sponsored program to control the Population Explosion, and, just like every other AMERICAN, I’m too concerned with MY OWN personal health and well being to think of devoting any of MY precious time to something as boring as ‘REPRODUCTION’!

RHONDA:
HARRY, I used to think you were merely an OVER- EDUCATED SHIT-HEAD, but now that I finally have proof, it’s going to give me GREAT PLEASURE to refer to you as an OVER-EDUCATED COCKSUCKER!

HARRY:
Well, to be honest with you, dearest, I sort of …gulp, gulp…

RHONDA:
Where’s the fairies on a string, HARRY? Huh? Riddle me this!

THING-FISH:
Easy there, white folks! I told y’all’d be get- tin’ yo’ fairies after while, ‘n y’know dat sort o’ thing take a little time to woik up to in yo’ BROADWAY SITCHYATIUM! MAMMYS step faw’d ‘n hep de lil’ cocksucker out!

“Dinah-Moe Humm” (music and lyrics- Zappa)

I couldn’t say where she’s coming’ from,
But I just met a lady named Dinah-Moe Humm

She strolled on over, said look here, bum,
I got a forty dollar bill says you can’t make me cum
(Y’jes can’t do it)

She made a bet with her sister who’s a little dumb
She could prove it any time all men was scum

I don’t mind that she called me a bum,
But I knew right away she was really gonna cum
(So I got down to it)

I whipped off her bloomers’n stiffened my thumb
An’ applied rotation on her sugar plum

I poked’n stroked till my wrist got numb
But I still didn’t hear no Dinah-Moe Humm,
Dinah-Moe Humm

Dinah-Moe Humm
Dinah-Moe Humm
Where this Dinah-Moe
Comin’ from
Done spent three hours
An’ I ain’t got a crumb
From the Dinah-Moe, Dinah-Moe, Dinah-Moe
From the Dinah-Moe Humm

I got a spot that gets me hot
But you ain’t been to it
I got a spot that gets me hot
But you ain’t been to it
I got a spot that gets me hot
But you ain’t been to it
I got a spot that gets me hot
But you ain’t been to it
‘Cause I can’t get into it
Unless I get out of it
An’ I gotta get out of it
Before I get into it
‘Cause I never get into it
Unless I get out of it
An’ I gotta be out of it
To get myself into it

(She looked over at me with a glazed eye
And some bovine perspiration on her upper lip area
And she said…)

Just get me wasted
An’ you’re half-way there
'Cause if my mind’s tore up
Then my body don’t care

I rubbed my chinny-chin-chin
An’ said my-my-my
What sort of thing
Might this lady get high upon?

I checked out her sister
Who was holdin’ the bet
An’ wondered what kind of trip
The young lady was on

The forty dollar bill didn’t matter no more
When her sister got nekkid an’ laid on the floor
She said Dinah-Moe might win the bet
But she could use a little ________ if I wasn’t done yet

I told her…
Just because the sun
Wants a place in the sky
No reason to assume
I wouldn’t give her a try

So I pulled on her hair
Got her legs in the air
An’ asked if she had any cooties on there

(Whaddya mean cooties! No cooties on me!)

She was buns-up kneelin’
BUNS UP!
I was wheelin’ an dealin’
WHEELIN’ AN’ DEALIN’ AN OOOOH!
She surrended to the feelin’
SHE SWEETLY SURRENDERED
An’ she started in to squealin’

Dinah-Moe watched from the edge of the bed
With her lips just a-twitchin’ an’ her face gone red
Some drool rollin’ down
From the edge of her chin
While she spied the condition
Her sister was in
She quivered ‘n quaked
An’ clutched at herself
While her sister made a joke
'Bout her mental health
'Till Dinah-Moe finally
Did give in
But I told her
All she really needed
Was some discipline…

Kiss my aura…Dora…
M-M-M…it’s real angora
Would y’all like some more-a?
Right here on the flora?
An’ how 'bout you, Fauna?
Y’wanna?

MMM…sound like y’might be chokin’ on somethin’

Did you say you want some more?
Well, here’s some more…

MMM, sure…listen
D’you think I could interest you
In a pair of zircon-encrusted tweezers?

MMM…tweezers!
Here, lemme sterilize 'em…
Gimme your lighter…

I couldn’t say where she’s coming’ from,
But I just met a lady named Dinah-Moe Humm

She stroll on over, say look here, bum,
I got a forty dollar bill say you can’t make me cum
(Y’jes can’t do it)

I whipped off her bloomers’n stiffened my thumb
An’ applied rotation on her sugar plum

I poked’n stroked till my wrist got numb
An’ you know I heard some Dinah-Moe Humm,
Dinah-Moe Humm

Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe
Dinah-Moe

Oh, I almost forgot. If you decide to listen to these songs, find the studio versions rather than the live ones. Then, if you like them, listen to the live ones, which there are always several of.

Dinah-Moe Humm was originally released on “Over-Nite Sensation,” but the album “Have I Offended Anyone?” has a better studio version of it. It is extended a bit.

This one I’d like to dedicate to our religious personality, Bob, or who I have come to know as “Father Vivian O’Blivion.”

The song originally appears on “You Are What You Is,” but he uses a pan flange on the vocals, which I don’t personally like. A better live version can be found on “Have I Offended Someone?,” or, “You Can’t Do That On Stage Anymore” Volume 1- disc 2.

“Dumb All Over”

Whoever we are
Wherever we’re from
We shoulda noticed by now
Our behavior is dumb
And if our chances
Expect to improve
It’s gonna take a lot more
Than tryin’ to remove
The other race
Or the other whatever
From the face
Of the planet altogether

They call it the earth
Which is a dumb kinda name
But they named it right
’cause we behave the same…
We are dumb all over
Dumb all over,
Yes we are
Dumb all over,
Near ’n far
Dumb all over,
Black ’n white
People, we is not wrapped tight

Nurds on the left
Nurds on the right
Religous fanatics
On the air every night
Sayin’ the bible
Tells the story
Makes the details
Sound real gory
’bout what to do
If the geeks over there
Don’t believe in the book
We got over here

You can’t run a race
Without no feet
’n pretty soon
There won’t be no street
For dummies to jog on
Or doggies to dog on
Religous fanatics
Can make it be all gone
(I mean it won’t blow up
’n disappear
It’ll just look ugly
For a thousand years…)

You can’t run a country
By a book of religion
Not by a heap
Or a lump or a smidgeon
Of foolish rules
Of ancient date
Designed to make
You all feel great
While you fold, spindle
And mutilate
Those unbelievers
From a neighboring state

To arms! to arms!
Hooray! that’s great
Two legs ain’t bad
Unless there’s a crate
They ship the parts
To mama in
For souvenirs: two ears (get down!)
Not his, not hers, (but what the hey? )
The good book says:
(it gotta be that way!)
But their book says:
Revenge the crusades…
With whips ’n chains
’n hand grenades…
Two arms? two arms?
Have another and another
Our God says:
There ain’t no other!
Our God says
It’s all okay!
Our God says
This is the way!

It says in the book:
Burn ’n destroy…
’n repent, ’n redeem
’n revenge, ’n deploy
’n rumble thee forth
To the land of the unbelieving scum on the other side
’cause they don’t go for what’s in the book
’n that makes ’em bad
So verily we must choppeth them up
And stompeth them down
Or rent a nice french bomb
To poof them out of existance
While leaving their real estate just where we need it
To use again
For temples in which to praise our god
(cause he can really take care of business!)

And when his humble tv servant
With humble white hair
And humble glasses
And a nice brown suit
And maybe a blond wife who takes phone calls
Tells us our God says
It’s okay to do this stuff
Then we gotta do it,
’cause if we don’t do it,
We ain’t gwine up to hebbin!
(depending on which book you’re using at the
Time…can’t use theirs… it don’t work
…it’s all lies…gotta use mine…)
Ain’t that right?
That’s what they say
Every night…
Every day…
Hey, we can’t really be dumb
If we’re just following god’s orders
Hey, let’s get serious…
God knows what he’s doin’
He wrote this book here
An’ the book says:
He made us all to be just like him,
So…
If we’re dumb…
Then God is dumb…
(an’ maybe even a little ugly on the side)

This one I dedicate to modern man and sensitive post-structuralists.

Frank Zappa (lead guitar, vocals)
Ike Willis (rhythm guitar, vocals)
Ray White (rhythm guitar, vocals)
Steve Vai (rhythm guitar, vocals)
Warren Cucurullo (rhythm guitar, vocals)
Denny Walley (slide guitar, vocals)
Tommy Mars (keyboards, vocals)
Peter Wolf (keyboards)
Bob Harris (keyboards, trumpet, vocals)
Ed Mann (percussion)
Arthur Barrow (bass, vocals)
Vinnie Colaiuta (drums)

“The Blue Light”

Your ethos
Your pathos
Your Porthos
Your Aramis
Your Brut Cologne
You’re writing home
You are hopeless
Your hopelessness
Is rising around you, rising around you
You like it
It gives you something to do
In the day time
Hey buddy, you need a hobby
You are tired of moving forward
You think of the future
And secretly you piddle your pants
The puddle of piddle
Which used to be little
Is rising around you, rising around you
You like it
It gives you something to do
In the night time

Oh well, you travel to bars
You also go to Winchell’s Doughnuts
And hang out with the Highway Patrol
Sometimes you’ll go to a pizza place
You go to Shakey’s to get that
American kind of pizza
That has the ugly, waxey, fake yellow
Kind of cheese on the top…
Maybe you’ll go to Straw Hat Pizza,
To get all those artificial ingredients
That never belonged on a pizza in the first place
(But the white people really like it…)
Oh well, you’ll go anyplace, you’ll do anything
Oh you’ll give me your underpants
I hope these aren’t yours, buddy…
They’re very nice, though
You go to Santa Monica Boulevard,
You go to the Blue Parrot
No problem, you’ll go anyplace
You’ll do anything
Just so you can hang out with the others
The others just like you
Afraid of the future
(Death Valley Days straight ahead)
The future is scary
(Yes it sure is)
Well, the puddle is rising
It smells like the ocean
A body of water to isolate England
And also Reseda
The oil in patches
All over Atlantis, Atlantis
You remember Atlantis
Donovan, the guy with the brocade coat
Used to sing to you about Atlantis
You loved it, you were so involved then
That’s back in the days when you used to
Smoke a banana
You would scrape the stuff off the middle
You would bake it
You would smoke it
You even thought you was getting ripped from it
No problem
Woop! Atlantis, they could really get down there
The plankton, the krill
The giant underwater pyramid, the squid decor
Excuse me, Todd
The big ol’ giant underwater door
The dome, the bubbles, the blue light
Light, light, light, light
Light, light, light, light
Blue light blue light
The seepage, the sewage, the rubbers, the napkins
Your ethos, your Porthos,
Your flag pole, your port hole
Your language
You’re frightened
The future
Your lang…
You can’t even speak your own fucking language
You can’t read it anymore
You can’t write it anymore
Your language
The future of your language
Your meat loaf
Don’t let your meat loaf
Heh, heh, heh
Your Micro-Nanette
Heh
Your Brut
Cologne

As you all know, the very reason I live today is to listen and attempt to play the music of Frank Zappa. Nothing else matters. Here is a song from the album “Broadway the Hardway,” a politcal satire from the eighties. Please buy the album as soon as possible. Especially you, FutureMan, because you will love it.

utterlyrics.com/f/frank-zapp … dway-1988/

“Jesus Thinks You’re a Jerk”

There’s an ugly little weasel ‘bout three-foot nine
Face puffed up from cryin’ ‘n lyin’
‘cause her sweet little hubby’s
Suckin’ prong part time
(in the name of the lord)

Get a clue, little shrew
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Jesus thinks you’re a jerk

Did he really choose tammy to do his work?
Robertson says that he’s the one
Oh he sure is,
If armageddon
Is your idea of family fun,
An’ he’s got some planned for you!
(now, tell me that ain’t true)

Now, what if jimbo’s slightly gay,
Will pat let jimbo get away?
Everything we’ve heard him say
Indicated that jim must pay,
(and it just might hurt a bit)
But keep that money rollin’ in,
'cause pat and naughty jimbo
Can’t get enough of it

Perhaps it’s their idea
Of an affirmative action plan
To give white trash a ‘special break’;
Well, they took those jeezo-bucks and ran
To the bank! to the bank! to the bank! to the bank!
And every night we can hear them thank
Their buddy, up above
For sending down his love
(while you all smell the glove)

Jim and pat should take a pole
(right up each saintly glory-hole),
With tar and feathers too –
Just like they’d love to do to you

('cause they think you are bad –
And they are very mad)

'cause some folks don’t want prayer in school!

(we’d need an ark to survive the drool
Of micro-publicans, raised on hate,
And ‘jimbo-jimbo’ when they graduate)

Conviced they are ‘the chosen ones’ –
And all their parents carry guns,
And hold them cards in the n.r.a.
(with their fingers on the triggers
When they kneel and pray)

With a ku-klux muu-muu
In the back of the truck,
If you ain’t born again,
They wanna mess you up, screamin’:
‘no abortion, no-siree!’
‘life’s too precious, can’t you see!’
(what’s that hangin’ from the neighbor’s tree?
Why, it looks like ‘colored folks’ to me –
Would they do that…seriously? )

Imagine if you will
A multi-millionaire television evangelist,
Saved from korean combat duty by his father, a u.s. senator

Studied law –
But is not qualified to practice it

Father of a ‘love child’
Who, in adulthood, hosts the remnants
Of papa’s religious propaganda program

Claims not to be a ‘faith healer’,
But has, in the past,
Dealt stearnly with everything from hemorrhoids to hurricanes

Involved with funding for a ‘secret war’ in central america
Claiming ronald reagan and oliver north as close friends

Involved in suspicous ‘tax-avoidance schemes’,
(under investigation for 16 months by the i.r.s.)

Claims to be a man of god;
Currenty seeking the united states presidency,
Hoping we will all follow him into –
The twilight zone

What if pat gets in the white house,
And suddenly –
The rights of ‘certain people’ disappear
Mysteriously?

Now, wouldn’t that sort of qualify
As an american tragedy?
(especially if he covers it up, sayin’
‘jesus told it to me!’)

I hope we never see that day,
In the land of the free –
Or someday will we?
Will we?

And if you don’t know by now,
The truth of what I’m tellin’ you,
Then, surely I have failed somehow –

And jesus will think I’m a jerk, just like you –
If you let those tv preachers
Make a monkey out of you!

I said:
‘jesus will think you’re a jerk’
And it would be true!

There’s an old rugged cross
In the land of cutton –
It’s still burnin’ on somebody’s lawn
And it still smells rotten

Jim and tammy!
Oh, baby!
You gotta go!
You really got to go!