phyllo wrote:Another person who walked out on an exchange with you. I wonder why?![]()
There was this guy in like the 70s Eric Berne, a psychologist, who came up with a set of games. Patterns people engage in where it looks like their goal is one thing, but really it is another.
Why don’t you? Yes, but…..
Perhaps you know someone where they complain about something, and you then suggest a solution and they then say “Yes but…”.This interaction continues until eventually you feel frustrated and bewildered; at that point you have been caught in a game.
The key point about games is what Berne called ‘superficially rational’ – the person seems to have a genuine problem, but the hidden truth is they don’t want your help to fix it, they simply want your attention. The reason for this is as they can’t find a way of getting attention in a positive way, they have learnt ways to gain that attention negatively.
The prize for the victim is to prove he’s right and that there’s no solution to his problem. The secondary prize is that, by doing so, he avoids having to actually try to solve his problem – since he’s just proven that there is no solution. Another subconscious prize is sometimes to prove the rescuer wrong, making them feel useless.
In this case, the real problem is not on the table. On the table are conflicting goods, determinism and having no way to know what the real ‘I’ is.
In context we could ask if he can help but play this game. And then the next issue of would hearing of the game offer a chance for change - even in a deterministic universe.
Often these two things are conflated.
A: In a determinist universe I can't help to act this way.
B: Sure, but now that the problem has been pointed out a new cause is in play.
A: But what if it's a determinist universe?
B: Well, some people do change when their patterns are pointed out.
A: But perhaps I can't help but not be affected.
B: Sure, but that means, even in a deterministic universe, that you are a particular kind of person, and likely have motivations that you cannot face. IOW, you are a poor discussion partner, even if you can't help that.
And when this is pointed out, he plays...
Look how hard I tried. In this scenario he is the husband, the wife is anyone who is a discussion partner, and the therapist is the gallery he appeals to with 'I leave it to others to decide....'
In its common clinical form this is a three-handed game played by a married couple with a psychiatrist. The husband (usually) is bucking for a divorce, despite loud protestations to the contrary, while the spouse is more sincere in wanting to continue the marriage. He comes to the therapist under protest and talks just enough to demonstrate to the wife that he is cooperating; usually he plays a mild game of “Psychiatry” or “Courtroom.” As time passes he exhibits either increasingly resentful pseudo-compliance or belligerent argumentativeness toward the therapist. At home he initially shows more “understanding” and restraint, and finally behaves worse than ever. After one, five or ten visits, depending on the skill of the therapist, he refuses to come any longer and goes hunting or fishing instead. The wife is then forced into filing for divorce. The husband is now blameless, since his wife has taken the initiative and he has demonstrated his good faith by going to the therapist. He is in a good position to say to any attorney, judge, friend or relative “Look how hard I’ve tried!”
The couple is seen together. If one — let us say the husband – is clearly playing this game, the other is taken into individual treatment and the player is sent on his way, on the valid ground that he is less ready for the therapy. He can still get a divorce, but only at the expense of abandoning his position that he is really trying. If necessary, the wife can start the divorce, and her position is much improved since she really has tried. The favorable, hoped-for outcome is that the husband, his game broken up, will go into a state of despair and then seek treatment elsewhere with genuine motivation.
In its everyday form this is easily observed in children as a two-handed game with one parent. It is played from either of two positions: “I am helpless” or “I am blameless.” The child tries, but bungles or is unsuccessful. If he is Helpless, the parent has to do it for him. This reveals the elements of the game. The parents should find out two things: which of them taught the child this game; and what they are doing to perpetuate it.
There's even a game called 'Let's you and him fight.' LOL
Now Berne's empirical evidence for these games was not rigorous. It was based on his experiences with clients, his observations. But I find it amusing how a number of them keep coming to mind with these threads.
Does 'playing games' mean anything in a deterministic universe?
I think so. It wouldn't be about blame, but still about what people are like. IOW saying that one kind of interaction is more gamelike, less honest, more convoluted, in some sense a con, could still have meaning. It's just we 'shouldn't' really blame the person. I put citation marks around 'shouldn't' because in determinism without blame we also lose moral shoulds.
A sign at a beach bathing area saying that poisonous jellyfish have been seen in numbers in the water so bathing is considered dangerous today are still useful, however, in a deterministic universe.