Sex and the City quotes make men everywhere want to carve out their eyes with a rusty spoon. We would rather play leap frog porcupines than read another one of these faux lines of enlightenment. Worse than the quotes themselves are the impressionable flakes who post the quotes on their facebook, twitter, and email signatures. It’s as though they think the fictional character in this situational comedy, the content of which is largely manipulated by demographic appeasing sponsors, can provide something meaningful, inspirational even. Here are just a few of the many snippets of venom that happened to make it on screen:
This is easily the most oft quoted line from this God forsaken show. Let’s break it down in more realistic terms… The relationship you have with yourself is exciting because you can have multiple orgasms, end of story. The relationship you have with yourself is challenging because you’re a woman. Relationships with women are challenging by nature, and that’s putting it nicely. More accurately, they’re impossible. The relationship you have with yourself is significant because women are compulsive liars; if you think a relationship with yourself is significant, it’s because you’re lying to yourself. No thoughts you think or words you speak will ever be significant. Oh and you won’t find someone who loves you, just someone who will pretend to so he can get laid. Remember: women can fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
No, women were put in the world to feel bad out themselves exclusively. Men were put in the world to pretend like we care so we can procreate.
Oh goody, shoes!! Not. Will someone please explain to me women’s fascination with shoes? The following is an exercise in logic. Shoes: you walk on them, they get dirty, and they’re often uncomfortable for the sake of aesthetics. The aesthetics are only noticed by people who look down a lot. The only people who look down a lot are depressed. Women, as per the previous quote, always feel bad about themselves and are thus always depressed. Therefore, the only people who look at your shoes are women. Do you really care what another woman thinks? Me neither. Now that’s not to say that guys don’t look down too, it’s just that our eyes stop at what’s important: your tits.
Aaaaaand that’s why I’m fucking your sister. She’s the one who can wear white… all over her face. Now if I could only teach her not to speak before spoken to.
Haha, yeah, and MAYBE wild bears aren’t supposed to shit in the woods. Maybe they just need to hold it until they find a lavatory inside the golden palace. Or maybe they are supposed to shit in the woods, just like women are supposed to be quiet, obedient, and submissive. Just kidding. But really, when women use words like “free” and “adventurous,” it only leads to other silly notions like “equality” and “feminism.” Nobody wants that. I mean really… the whole reason women don’t ski is because it doesn’t snow between the kitchen and the bedroom, never mind this “running freely” and “being wild” business. At first glance I thought this quote was in the context of some larger joke, but I was wrong. She was being serious. How silly of me to underestimate the boundaries of the female imagination.
Maybe you’re bipolar, you flakey bitch.
Assuming the website I browsed to get these profound quotes was compiled by a woman, I braced myself for plentiful flaws in grammar. I also realize that these are quotes from fictitious characters, and people don’t naturally speak grammatically correct, yada yada yada, but my damned OCD just took control. I emphasized every time the word “and” was misused. There should be a comma after “moaning.” Let’s not overlook the fact that this “sentence” doesn’t have a predicate or complete thought, thereby making it a fragment. Now for the criticism of content: They call it a job because your grammatical ineptitude is preventing you from landing a job anywhere useful, thus sucking off your more successful male counterpart is the only skilled labor you can provide for your own well-being. I bet your father is beaming with pride because of all the hard work you put into perfecting that special “job.”
Maybe this is all a big joke. Maybe Jonathan Swift was reincarnated in the form of all television writers, and he just didn’t anticipate the public being too dumb to realize it’s all one big fucking satire.
I would continue annotating these nuggets of wisdom, but I don’t want to risk suffering from an aneurysm in the process, or more likely, suicide. And by “nuggets of wisdom” I mean “nuggets of crap.”
. And Die Hard was written by women, right? 