The Philosophers (Screenplay)

[code]INT. PHILOSOPHERS DEN

THE PHILOSOPHERS, roundabouts 27 of them, are going at it. Stabbing each other shedding blood, screaming and kicking, strangling, wrestling in pools of blood. At one point

CLEMENTINE enters. Holds her hands to her cheeks like The Scream, and in bizarre slow motion the words comer out;

		CLEMENTINE
	This isn’t any fun!

The wrestling stops. The stabbing stops, the strangling stops. The philosophers, panting, come to a rest, their wounds heal. The ones that lay for dead get up, as from a deep dream filled sleep.

All look at the blood on the floor. BARTHOLOMEW, a fat man with a Sumo attire, scrubs himself with a towel and reaches for a bathrobe, calls out

		BARTHOLOMEW
	I was on call last time. 

Two young guys, FEISL and CURTLY, who have made it particularly gnarly are looked at.

Another dude, PERPLEXUM aka PERP who is scabbarding a sword, calls out to Feisl.

		PERPLEXUM
	You Feisl. Step up.

The guys shrug, fair is fair is their attitude, they grab the mops.

A lanky older dude with stylishly combed grey hair and a do-it-yourself attitude and attire, CANNONBALL, looks around the remains of the spectacle.

		CANONBALL
	Geez.

His bud, BRISBANE CHARLIE, nods appreciatively.

		BRISBANE CHARLIE
	Good one huh?

Clementine in her black heels makes a tippy toe path over the part of the floor that FESL has been mopping.

CLOSE UP CLEMENTINES FEET
Beautiful toes with nicely polished nails get tiny drips of blood on them.

Cut back to medium footage

Clementine hovers among two middle aged dudes, THORAX and SALAZAR

She prods Salazar, he turns, as does Thorax.

		CLEMENTINE
	Please, why does it always have to
	be like this?

A third guy, RHINOCEROS BEZOS, sharply yells out

		RB
	It’s PLATE’s fault.

Clementine turns to him, startled.

		CLEM
		(softly) 
	Plate’s fault?

		RB	
	Uhh-yupp!

She looks at Salazar who is shaking his head in a contemptuous grin, and at Thorax, who is smiling in affirmation.

		CLEM
	God dammit, cant you two
	ever agree?

		THORAX	
	When it comes to Plato? No.

		SALAZAR
	Nehp.

Clem throws out her hands.

		CLEM
	Okay two says it’s Plate’s fault.
	Versus one who doesnt
	so, democracy is Greek right?

		BB	
	That’s fucking true!

All three philosophers nod and mumble

		3 PHILOSOPHERS
	True, true, a fact and a truth
	hmm hmm, let’s smoke a cigar.

EXT. PHILOSOPHERS DEN

Nightfall, easy chairs around a hearth in the shape of a Lion and a monkey holding a globe wrapped in snakes, the men sit down and light cigars. BLONDIE, a pretty blonde, goes around with some bottles and pours the men what they like in their respective glasses, chalices, horns and paper cups.

A HERD OF BUFFALO passes along. The MOON rises. Night comes deeper. Stars are visible and revolve.

Some philosophers have nodded off, some lay in the grass on their backs, others sit to the fire, talking, THORAX and DREW, a young sporty energetic type, are feeding the fire with fresh logs.

		THORAX
	Say Drew where do you stand on
	this?

		DREW
	Plate?

Thorax nods solemnly and stands up, puffs the cigar, looks at the horizon, speaks

		THORAX
	Plate.

		DREW
	I dont know, Young dumb and
	famous?

Thorax spits out his smoke, coughs violently in an attempt to let his laugh run. It doesnt work. He swallows his cough and hohums and hunkers back down.

Nods.

		THORAX
	Good point. Good point.

He sniffs. Both men go at prodding the fire and judging it.

		THORAX
	Shit.

		DREW
	That’s not a solution though I 
	know. 

		THORAX
	Yeah.

		DREW
	You know my uncle has a time 	
	machine.

Looks at Thorax. Thorax looks back. Slowly brings his cigar to his mouth

		THORAX
	You don’t say

Smokes. Looks at moon.

EXT. MOON - DARKNESS

Two snow-white wolves prowl the dark side of the moon, lit by a microscopic alien battleship.

EXT. PLATO’s CAVE

A cave entrance with some rackety carpenter barricades in front of it. A small sighn (in Greek, obviously) reads

STAY OUT OR GET IN

INT. PLATO’s CAVE

PLATO is dancing and prancing around in a short garment, turning on his toes and woo-hooing. While dancing and prancing he makes coal markings on the wall of the cave. He sings

		PLATO
	Why-so-se-erious?

THUNDER rolls in the distance. Plato goes out and looks, feels for rain on his palm, sniffles puts on sandals and a toga and hurries to his domicile. Above the door is chiseled (in Greek, obviously)

HE WHO DOESNT UNDERSTAND MATHEMATICS, STAY OUT

He enters and closes the door. As he does, the rumbling sound again but closer, and it sodesnt really sound like thunder. More metallic.

TO BE CONTINUED
[/code]

[code]

INT. TIME MACHINE - EQUILIBRIUM

Six Philosophers in the machine, Millennium Falcon style messy with piping and wiring, behind the controls a white haired man, UNCLE ELEZERBEBET BEN BERESH, in the seat next to him, Drew, looking on anxiously as his uncle roughly handles two sticks.

Suddenly the machine begins to violently shake, throwing the philosophers in the back around a good bit.

		BARTHOLOMEW
	Fuck, hold it steady old man

		BRISBANE CHARLIE
	Are you sure you know how to
	do this?

		UNCLE BEN
	Do this? Do this? Do you think
	it is this simple? Just do?

		BRISBANE CHARLIE
	Well…

All are silent.

		DREW
	Uncle Ben, uhm, like,

Uncle Ben moves the sticks again, his right hand turning a knob in circles, his left hand pumping a lever.

		DREW
	Uncle Ben, wait…

MASSIVE TURBULENCE hits the cabin again.

As it subsidies the philosophers in the back are bruised.

		CANNONBALL
	Jeeze. 

Brisbane Charlie laughs.

		CANNONBALL
	I mean this thing definitely has
	some power.

Uncle Ben looks back at him and smiles.

		UNCLE BEN
	You understand. 

The philosophers throw their hands out.

HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER, dressed in creme white suit and a green beret leans forward.

		HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
	Sir Elezerbebent, please. 

		UNCLE BEN
	Yes?

		HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
	I think…. No I am in fact positive
	that all of us in here understand the 	
	phenomenal power you have at your
	command here sir.

Uncle Ben raises his eyebrows.

		UNCLE BEN
	Yes?

All the philosophers nod intensely.

		HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER 		I wonder if… if perhaps… 

Looks at Drew, winks

Drew smirks and looks at his uncle.

		DREW
	Uncle this man was a pilot in 	
	a….

Looks at Thorax, who gives a ‘go for it but be careful’ look

		DREW
	This, ah, in a test program….

		UNCLE BEN
	Fine fine, you want to drive the machine?
	Fine.

He unstraps and angrily gets out of his seat. Thorax gets in it and straps himself in.

		HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER 		Okey. What do I do.
	
		DREW
	You wanna wiggle the left knob in circles
	slowly and increasingly fast until you feel
	like you’re in a sort of field.

		HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER 		I know the principle.

		DREW 	
	Okay so once youve got that going
	you wanna heave the lever on your right
	gradually until you feel a kind of …
	like resistance, like a slow turbulence.

		HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER 		Hmm-hm.

		DREW 
	Then once you’re there, you just…
	
		UNCLE BEN
	Push!

Drew sighs. Charlie laughs.

		DREW 	
	Yeah you wanna push through it, much 
	like, you’re clearing snow but it’s delicate
	snow, you dont want to break it. 

Masloff smirks.

		HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
	Okay…

		DREW
	So then, you get to the other side of it
	and then you’re smooth, feel it out for 
	a few seconds, sometimes the turbulence
	returns

		HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER 		The snow.

Drew nods.

		DREW
	When it doesnt, you feel la bit of pressure
	increasing, all the while you’ll still be 
	turning the know by the way. 

Masloff carefully touches the knob

Masloff squints, raises his eyebrows, then focuses.

		HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER 		Hmm-hm.

		UNCLE BEN
	Does your experiment cover this?
	Yes?

Charlie lets out a bellowing laughter. The old man joins him.
HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
Sir, Im not worried.

		UNCLE BEN
		(observingly)
	You are cocky.

		HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER 		Yes sir.

Drew smiles.

		DREW
	Alrighty, so once you’re in that
	pressure, you push into it very 
	gently, and the pressure will 
	increase very fast, and when it
	gets so strong that you, that
	like, it’s impossible to go much 
	deeper, I guess you press the 
	pedal. 

Looks back at his uncle, who nods in seemingly infinite boredom

		DREW
	The one on your right, 

HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER feels the pedal.

		THORAX 		Got it…

		DREW
	At that point, just say “go” 
	and I’ll hook in the decoder.

He pulls a console towards him, a keypad with a dark green screen with light green text, types in some commands that make some lights blink around the cabin.

		HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
	Then what do I do, keep wiggling?

		DREW 
	No once you press the pedal, 
	you can stop everything else.

		HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
	Piece of cake.

Uncle Ben snorts.

		DREW
	He’s joking Uncle Ben.

		UNCLE BEN
	I know what a joke is.

Charlie snickers.

		CHARLIE
	All right let’s do this!

All take a deep breath. Humberto puts his hand on the knob and raises his eyebrows at Drew.

Drew types in some more commands and nods.

		DREW
	She’s all yours. 

Humberto begins to slowly wiggle the knob, all look on intensely, except Uncle Ben who takes out a sandwich wrapped in greasy paper

		UNCLE BEN
	Im not worried.

EXT. A GREEK MEADOW- NIGHT

A third thundering smack is heard, then a cylindrical vessel appears from a morphing flash of light, hovering very slowly.

It begins to gently descend and touches ground of a grassy meadow. Some icy steam emits from it and a door opens upwards. The philosophers and Uncle Ben get out, quite elated.

They walk a bit and come closer to the camera. Charlie looks back at the machine.

		CHARLIE
	Do we just leave it there
	unguarded?

		CANNONBALL
	You forget it’s not realty here

Charlie frowns

		CANNONBALL
	It’s a one way deal. The Greeks
	cant see it. 

		BARTHOLOMEW
	What about Plate?

		CANNONBALL
	He’ll see it once he’s inside.

They creep up on Plate’s house, look at the inscription.

		DREW
	What does that say?

		HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
	Dont enter if you’re not a mathematician.
	Shit. 

They all look at each other, then at Drew.

Drew nods at BARTHOLOMEW.

		DREW 
	I figure you’re okay.

		HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
	Go get him.
	But be gentle.

		BARTHOLOMEW		
	Gentle is my middle name.

He pounds on the door.

		BARTHOLOMEW
	Yo Plato! We’re coming in!

INT. PLATO’s DOMICILE - NIGHT

Plato is arranging some scrolls and pieces of papyrus, wetting his finger and turning fragments over, studying them.

Suddenly there is a loud thunderclap.

		PLATO	
		(to himself)
	Strange weather.

He looks at some more text, walks to a kettle on a chain above a smoldering heap of coals in a hearth. He spoons some powder in a chalice, grabs a cloth and, using it to shield his hand from the heat, tilts the kettle to pour some hot water on the powder. Holds the mixture in front of him, sniffs it, almost takes a sip but decides against it, walks with it back to his scrolls, and leans elegantly against a wooden chest. He hums some words in a very ancient dialect.

He finally takes a sip and delights in it immensely.

		PLATO
	Ahh!

Then a hard knock on the door, and someone yelling in a barbaric language.

He gently looks up from his cup, sets it down, clears his throat.

		PLATO
	Who is it?

Two men in bizarre clothing come walking into the room. Plato is frightened, then recovers. He reaches back for his cup, and as the men approach, he throws the content into the face of the biggest one. He quickly gets out a big club and batters the legs of the other. Then he kicks the first one in the groin and smashes the cup on the head of the second.

		PLATO
	Out, out! Begone, savages!

Drew and Bartholomew make their way out of the room as fast as they can. Plato goes on humming and walks to his scrolls.

He teeters and smiles.

		PLATO	
	Always these savages. They come
	from everywhere these days.

EXT. PLATOS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Drew and Bartholomew come limping out.
DREW
Yo, I mean, he’s definitely the
problem.

		BARTHOLOMEW
	I probably concur. We’re gonna 
	need some better mathematics.

They all silently retreat.

WIDE SHOT of a moonlit meadow.

Crickets are heard
As our heroes pass through the frame in silhouette, like an Asterix comic with two of them limping behind.

We hear them talking faintly in the distance, pick up;

		HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
	This is pretty cool actually. 
	…
	Any of you been to Greece before?

A wolf howls in the distance.

The Philosophers and Uncle Ben get back to the time machine and stand around, not knowing what to do. Cannonball sits down in the grass.

Thorax sits down next to him,

		HUMBERTO CUTLETHUNGER
	How do we do this?

Cannonball plucks a blade of grass and sticks it in his mouth, lies down with his hands folded under his head.

Thorax lies down as well and closes his eyes as also the others are making themselves comfortable.

		CANNONBALL
	I was here a long time ago, way back, in
	the future, when I was still a child 
	my dad took me to the back of the 		
	Acropolis and showed me the theatre
	of Dionysos.

Silence, crickets.

		UNCLE BEN
	How is that going to help us?

		CANNONBALL
	I remember, my father said something then	
	He said Plato didn’t understand Dionysos.

Thorax opens his eyes.

INT. PLATOS HOUSE - NIGHT

Plato is somewhere out of frame making odd noises.

A COO-COOING is heard. We cut to Plato, who looks up with interest.

He walks to a window and then sees a horned silhouette gliding past it. He looks on, wide-eyed.

		PLATO
	Socrates?[/code]