I got sick, a cold; but those hit me harder than a flu does, as I’ve smoked three packs of cigarettes a day since I was 13 or 14, and I’m 30 now. And I rip the filters off before I smoke them so it’s really like double that I suppose. And narcotics suppress my breathing and coughing reflex, so together it causes me to accumulate massive amounts of fluid and I am very prone to pneumonia. I’d have much preferred to be vomiting than suffocating, but it looks like I didn’t die again, so I have returned.
When I was a child, I would obsess over death; every time I heard of the existence of a new disease or way of dying, I would become hypochondriacal about it for months; I’d spend hours inspecting my entire body for the slightest sign of melanoma, etc; every bump, lump, or discoloration was surely a cancerous lesion that was going to kill me. I feared to even be around second-hand smoke, worrying of cancer. At that age, about 14 or 15, I filled entire notebooks with ontological arguments for the immortality of the soul, trying to convince myself there was a way to exist beyond death. I was quite mad. But I learned to accept that I was going to die one day, and living for another year or for another 100 years makes no difference, when the only thing I want is to live forever. A year and thousand years are the same compared to eternity. So I pay no mind to my health anymore; exercise is for purely aesthetic and narcissistic reasons, as is the majority of my activity. ’
I am mad, but I am not mentally ill. There is a difference. If I could have a wish granted, I would wish to absorb every living mind into myself and live forever,- alone, the last being, the final end of all existence: as a disembodied consciousness drifting in the void after the last protons decay, for trillions of years, writing more books than there were ever atoms in the universe as a reflection of- me, of my infinitudes; forever. I want to become everything; I want to transform everything, into myself and live forever. A reverse solipsism. And after spending 15 years in voluntary solitary confinement, I actually could bear eternity, alone, for Time ceases to have meaning in that environment, which played no small part in freeing my mind from worry about death.
But that is gnosis. If you can “know” (gnosis, that is what the word means; knowledge beyond knowledge) eternity- if you can understand eternity, well that is eternity. That understanding is eternity.