Abandonment ... and Codependency

Philosophy Forums Psychology and Mind
1

Abandonment.

There are many definitions for the word.

But the bottomline from early childhood experience of abandonment is that someone who was naturally supposed to be nurturingly there for us, physically and emotionally, simply stopped being there in some way(s), and we experienced a huge and damaging affective loss as a result.

We then tried to cope with that loss via codependent behavior, either in relationship with our abandoner or surrogately with others.

Many adults have not dealt with the abandonment they experienced in childhood.

Rather than return psychologically and face the reality of their abandonment and go through the process of grieving that loss to let go of the pain and the relationship-crippling behavioral and physical damage it causes, they hold onto the unexpressed grief and continually act out their childhood coping with abandonment as well as perhaps suffering illnesses of various kinds.

Thus, in their adult relationships, these people often act out with their romantic partners (and even their friends and companions) their behavior of coping, as if their partners are those who abandoned them. Indeed, unrecovered codependents often unconsciously “choose” partners who will actually match the dysfunctional behavior of their original abandoners so as to continue to act out their futile “corrective emotional experience” programming of their codependency.

Coping with unresolved abandonment comes in the form of codependency reflected in codependent behavior.

Codependency is evidenced by an irrational and unhealthy reaction to the fear of “being abandoned”.

This reaction takes the form of typical traits of codependent behavior.

Such behavior covers the spectrum from enmeshment to isolation.

In reactive enmeshment, the codependent uses controlling behavior to unnaturally, unhealthily force-change the object-person of the codependency to become what the codependent thinks that person “should” be and do so as to “lessen the chances” that the object-person will abandon the codependent.

In reactive isolation, the codependent uses compliant behavior to unnaturally, unhealthily force-change him/her self, the codependent, to become what the codependent thinks the object-person of the codependency thinks the codependent “should” be and do so as to “lessen the chances” that the object-person will abandon the codependent.

Indeed, in a relationship that “doesn’t seem to fit well”, a relationship that is not between equal partners to an equal degree of quality and depth, there are five options usually chosen by the codependent: 1) Do nothing and live with feelings of being unappreciated or unloved by the object-person of the codependency while still doing one’s best to be a good partner,
2) try to force-change the object-person to unnaturally align psychologically and behaviorally with the codependent (typical controlling behavior),
3) try to force-change one’s self unnaturally to align psychologically and behaviorally with the object-person (typical compliant behavior),
4) Do nothing and wait expectantly to be abandoned by the object-person of the codependency and thus not put effort into the relationship,
5) End the relationship quickly and abruptly at the slightest feeling of retriggered feelings of abandonment rather than work on what might be a great relationship with a comparatively functional partner, and indeed, many codependents don’t even let themselves engage in real relationships with others simply to avoid retriggered painful feelings of abandonment that always get retriggered even in healthy relationships.What the codependent doesn’t do is the healthy thing: talk with emotional intimacy in a healthy non-threatening manner with one’s partner, talking about the relationship matters as they come up, requesting change, accepting one’s role in the issue … and if it becomes clear in the non-resolution of issues that the relationship is one of unequals, then take steps to end the relationship in a healthy manner.

Codependents in relationships are often identifiable with respect to their behavior.

Codependents can be controlling in one relationship and compliant in another … and sometimes a mix of both, as control and compliancy are two sides of the same coping coin.

Codependency is a recoverable disorder resulting in the experience of healthy and loving relationships.

The question for this thread is … [size=150]Are you codependent in a relationship?[/size]

If you are unsure, here is a list of behavioral traits for both controlling and compliant codependent behavior.

Enjoy. :wink:

Control Behavior Patterns (presented in the first person):* I must be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.

  • I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviors over my own.
  • I agree with others so they will like me.
  • I focus my attention on protecting others.
  • I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
  • I keep score of “Good deeds and favors”, becoming very hurt when they are not repaid.
  • I am very skililed at guessing how other people are feeling.
  • I can anticipate others’ needs and desires, meeting them before they are asked to be met.
  • I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
  • I am calm and efficient in other people’s crisis situations.
  • I feel good about myself only when I am helping others.
  • I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
  • I put aside my own interest and concerns to do what others want.
  • I ask for help and nurturing only when I am ill, and then reluctantly.
  • I cannot tolerate seeing others in pain.
  • I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
  • I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
  • I attempt to convince others of how they “truly” think & “should” feel.
  • I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.Compliance Behavior Patterns (presented in the first person):* I assume responsibility for others’ feelings and behaviors.
  • I feel guilty about others’ feelings and behaviors.
  • I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
  • I have difficulty expressing feelings.
  • I am afraid of my anger, yet sometimes erupt in a rage.
  • I worry how others may respond to my feelings, opinions and behaviors.
  • I have difficulty making decisions.
  • I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.
  • I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
  • I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
  • I am afraid to express differing opinions or feelings.
  • I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own.
  • I put other people’s needs and desires before mine.
  • I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
  • I judge everything I think, say or do harshly as never “good enough”.
  • I am perfectionistic.
  • I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
  • I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
  • I do not perceive myself as a lovable and worthwhile person.
  • I compromise my own values and integirty to avoid rejection or others’ anger.There is some apparent overlap in both lists due to the fact that controlling and compliant behavior are found on a spectrum of codependent behavior.

Codependency is an ancient malady that is estimated to be evident in over 90 percent of the population and thought to be suffered to some degree of dysfunction by nearly everyone. It is indeed entrenched in our culture and soicioeconomic systems … and, it is believed to be at the root of addiction and addictive behavior.

If one’s relationships are not what one would like them to be, maybe an investigation of codependency is order with an eye to changing the things one can … for the better.

And, we are talking about real time relationships, not virtual ones :wink: , as virtual “relationship” preoccupation can be a form of one’s avoidance of real time relationship “matters” :astonished: .

:sunglasses:

2

Your list of:
Control Behavior Patterns (presented in the first person):

Question:

How do you know that a person with many of these traits isn’t simply a very kind person?

The list seems to deny the possibility of kindness, and implies that if a person isn’t “looking for something” then one shouldn’t trust them, as if openly self-serving people are actually good.

3

The control patterns, like the compliance patterns, are both evidence of self-sacrificial codependency.

When one is self-sacrificing so evidently, one is attempting to deprive one’s self and another of their autonomy and identity.

With the control patterns, one is overtly so depriving the other and covertly depriving one’s self, whereas with the compliant patterns one is overtly so depriving one’s self and covertly depriving the other.

Neither self-sacrifice or other-sacrifice in this manner is evidence of kindness, either to one’s self or to the person one is controlling.

With regard to the control patterns, there is a general rule that helps to determine if codependency is at play if only a few are evidenced: help that isn’t asked for isn’t help.

If the controlling individual is constantly “helping” without being asked, there is very suspicious evidence of codependency.

4

I always find discussions about co-dependency to be a bit all inclusive. I don’t think there is a single relationship out there that isn’t co-dependent. Sure, there are degrees and levels, but I think nearly every relationship hinges on something that looks very much like co-depedency. It’s probably that whole two becoming one flesh thing.

5

This idea seems born from individualistic European capitalist philosophy and not about anything to do with psychology, perhaps ethnic sociology.

In a collectivist, or cooperative if that sounds better, society people ought to be helping without the need to be asked. However, there are stimulations on when and why someone helps.

I believe that codependency is marked by the helper helping the other to stay sick or stupid, so that they can enjoy the helper role. It’s the wife of the alcoholic taking care of him because she secretly enjoys his weakness. It is not someone helping their drunk friend home so that he doesn’t get into an accident.

I believe that this concept pushes the sick idea that people don’t need each other and should not feel the need for others. How many have these ideas made unhappy?

6

That’s the stereotypcial image of a codependent relationship, though not necessarily because “she secretly ‘enjoys’ his weakness”.

Usually, his behavior mirrors that of her original abandoner, and she is compelled to stay in the relationship and fix him so that, irrationally, her original abandoner won’t (therefore “didn’t”) abandon her after all. Obviously, that is a futile exercise, and one that will keep her miserably reminded of that abandonment throughout her present dysfunctional relationship.

There are many other “types” of codependent relationships where major addiction like alcoholism is not visible or even present.

All codependent relationships are dysfunctional and damaging.

Oh but it most certainly is codependency if the motivation of the helping friend who is constantly called out of bed to rescue his friend is guilt for potential abandonment if he refuses his friend’s request.

And it is codependency if the friend reluctantly always says “no” to a drink or two when they go out because he knows his friend is uncontrollably going to get smashed every time they go out and thus it’s “his job” to be “responsible” for his friend and stay sober enough to drive his friend home.

The dysfunctional depdendency scenarios go on.

Whenever one is compelled to be responsible for another’s care in this manner because that someone else is reasonably expected to take care of himself but “can’t” – isn’t doing so – take self-responsibility for his own welfare, there is likely codependency at work.

That’s irrational, and implies forgetting of or denial of the psychological realities stated in the opening post of this thread.

We are not talking about cooperative and healthy behavior like the husband going to work and the wife staying home to take care of the home management and kids or one partner doing the grocery shopping while the other does the laundry, all where shared needs are cooperatively met.

We are talking about “fixing” others, and that is simply a “need” that is codependently executed by the codependent when if there is a legitimate need for the object-person to be “fixed” it is the responsibility of the “broken” person to recognize it and “fix” his own “brokenness”.

It is also codependency when the codependent tries to “fix” in another person what isn’t broken.

Inapplicable.

Codependency is a psychological reality which itself makes people miserable without people ever having to know what codependency is.

People who come to Codependency Anonymous support groups because they are miserable or their therapist sent them usually only need one meeting to realize that the shoe already fits.

7

This discussion could be the exception, as the initial post in this thread specifies what is codependent behavior.

Odds are there is a degree of codependency in every relationship where an unrecovered codependent is involved.

In every case, that codependency contributes to a degree of unnecessary misery borne of dysfunction that hinders/prevents life-affirming open and healthy communication and behavior in the relationship.

Such “hinging” is always to the detriment of the well-being of both partners … and their children.

Considering that codependency is a recoverable disorder that, after recovery, closes the door to things like verbal abuse and teen depression and opens the door to healthy and loving relationships for everyone in the family, minimalizingly belittling the effects of codependency on any realationship is just plain foolishly self-destructive.

Euphemize it all you wish, but the result is a dysfunctional relationship complete with attendent misery for everyone.

That our culture and society is loaded with anciently vested codependency is a very sad thing that is the root of much human misery.

We would all be better served to address codependency and remedy it.

8

Jenny,

It’s unacceptable to take accepted ideas and make up your own idiosyncratic meanings for them. This is a theme of your work here.

If you want to propose your own original concepts, then simply make up a new name for them.

A google search for the term found me this link, and it’s a good source:

nmha.org/infoctr/factsheets/43.cfm

Characteristics of Co-Dependent People Are:
An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others.
A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue.
A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time.
A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts.
An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.
An extreme need for approval and recognition.
A sense of guilt when asserting themselves.
A compelling need to control others.
Lack of trust in self and/or others.
Fear of being abandoned or alone.
Difficulty identifying feelings.
Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change.
Problems with intimacy/boundaries.
Chronic anger.
Lying/dishonesty.
Poor communications
Difficulty making decisions.
Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-Dependency
This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

  1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
  2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
  3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
  4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
  5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
  6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
  7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
  8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
  9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
  10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
  11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
  12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
  13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
  14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
  15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
  16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
  17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
  18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
  19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
  20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
    If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

These characteristic have little to do with being an altruistic person.

9

Erroneous and divertive.

The control and compliance characteristics I presented are found at the ultimate source for information about codependency: official Codependents Anonymous web sites and meetings.

Much analysis is indeed present and available regarding codependency.

Of course, the trick to making sure that you aren’t reading material polluted with ideology that condone’s codependency (like material from organizations that are codependent by historical nature), is to get such information, as I did, from sources that have a tradition of not being affiliated with any outside organization that could so pollute the focus of recovery from codependency. Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) is the one and only such organization.

Regardless, much “talk” about codependency would indicate that codependency is indeed a very real and relationship-damaging disorder.

Irrelevant – you are arguing among yourself.

But your apparent ODD behavior in this thread suggests that you may be in denial about your own codependency. :astonished:

The question posed in the initial post of this thread is “Are you codependent in a relationship?”

Please return to the list of controlling and compliant behaviors found in the inital post in this thread, and list the ones you identity with, answering the question that is posed about yourself. :sunglasses:

10

Jenny - you are always a great read.

11

Yes, nonsense is fun to read at times.

However, I think that there’s something sinister about presenting ideas that appear to be written by experts, that’s just plain wrong.

12

Oh, to be sure, Mr P. It is intellectually dishonest. It’s propaganda. And it’s often easily discoverable. Much to the detriment of the credibility of the propagandist.

13

Translations: “I experience a number of the controlling and compliance patterns presented in the opening post of this thread, and it bothers me to realize that I suffer from codependency in relationships. Rather than admit it and be openly embarrassed about it though, I will just be emotionally dishonest and attack the messenger.” … :astonished:

Like moths to a flame. :sunglasses:

Denial, as they say, isn’t just a river in Egypt, gentlemen. :wink:

14

Mr. Predictable, I think you may have found your Mrs.

:laughing:

15

Jenny,

Your list in the OP can have any number of cause/effect explanations, and not JUST codependency. While everyone can have their opinions, the fact that a person could exhibit every single attribute named isn’t proof of anything in particular. One must be careful in assigning definitions to human behaviors. Too often those definitions are wrong or miss the mark by a wide margin. It is all too easy to say that one of the things that is wrong with him is that he doesn’t think anything is wrong with him. At that point, you’ve locked up all possible answers in the definitions, and you might get a surprise.

16

Wow, jenny. Can’t get anything by you. I think I’ve become co-dependent on you! I…just…can’t…let…you…go.

I may have fallen in love with you.

Sure hope you’re a chick.

17

Proof comes in many forms.

And from many people.

18

I’m sorry – which of the controlling and compliant patterns did you say you experienced-exhibitted?

19

Jenny,

Is this how you work out your passive-aggressive feelings?

20

Erroneous and irrelevant.

Please stop diverting, and kindly list those controlling and compliant traits of yours … otherwise I may choose to ignore you in this thread, as coddling people in denial gets old quickly.