I’m afraid I know not where to turn anymore. For these last couple of years of my life I have been as if on a roller coaster. By this I mean I’m never feeling… balanced, I’m either severly ‘depressed’, to the point of suicidal, or else I’m so inspired I feel as if I could change the world. Being logical in nature, I’ve analized this behavior thouroughly and have come up with only one answer as to it’s source.
I beleive both the depression and the inspiration come from lack of purpose. Nothing in this life has any meaning to me. I do the things that mattered to me before, that I thought meant something to me, (like school) but it’s just not the same. They, and everything else, seem hollow, pointless.
My inspiration comes when I’m sick of the depression and go in search of reasons, answers, a point to be here. My depression comes when I find nothing. It’s an endless cycle that I’m am long since tired of.
It would be easy to attribue it to my age, being 18, but I’ve seen others my age who appear to have it together. They know what their purpose is and how to get it.
I do realize how pathatic I sound at this point, but you must understand where I’m coming from. You see, there was a time that I was strong. I had goals, focus, morals, and integrity. I would shine so much brighter then my competition, and I would excel at anything I chose to do. Now, I am but a shell of what I once was. I am weak, and I hate myself.
As a result, I’ve made so many mistakes and have so many regrets, and I’ve only just begun this life. I like things done right and well, but with so many mistakes made that I cannot fix, I feel like I can’t go on.
Is this a sign that I must leave this place, that I don’t belong here? Perhaps that I’m looking in the wrong places, if so where is the right places?
To similier questions asked by another on this board, I said that the answers can only be found by yourself. Just wait, be patiant and they will come. I’ve searched, I’ve waited, and I’m so tired. I just want the emptiness to go away, even pain would be welcome in it’s stead.
Perhaps someone has some advice, because I’m fresh out.
save up all the money you have, purchase a self defense weapon, lock the house and go for a walk for a week or more.
Slade stated:
I know exactly how you feel, and I don’t think I could have worded it better myself.
Slade stated:
I know you didn’t mean that in a conceited manner. I would argue, only because of the discussions I have had with you, that you still are strong, you still have goals, focus, morals, and integrity. Your just looking for something more than you have been use to for the last 18 years. Or you experienced something more, but lost it, and want it back (desiderata). You must fight, cause you are a fighter, of the greatest kind. It takes great courage for you to come onto this board and post your weakness at such a vulnerable time in your life for all to see, read, and criticize. Your not even at your breaking point, but if you ever really do get depressed, the greatest remedy is help. No not something or someone helping you, but you helping someone else. If you are willing, let me know, to help that is.
Slade stated:
Doesn’t matter. Out of all honesty, the greatest people I know in my life are the people that did some really crazy shit in their lives. Its those who didn’t do too many crazy things that are unpredictable, unstable, and themselves don’t know what they want from life. I’m willing to predict that your problem isn’t that you don’t know what you want from life, not at all, its that you don’t know how to get it. I would even say you know to a certain degree how to get it, but there is something in your way. Something, but you are not exactly sure of what. Look at your mistakes and see what you have learned, see how they have affected your decision making since it happened, see how they have adverted you away from danger and consoled your soul in understand the actions of others, see the wisdom you have attained and shared because of those experiences, even in a little niche like ILP.
The right place is inside yourself away from all things. As BluTGI suggested, taking a walk can be a great help. I would suggest taking that walk in a forest where you have no signs of humanity, no sound of cars, no roads, nothing but the sweet whisper of the wind against the trees and the rustling of leaves. Let me tell you about a guy, that to me has done more than any other human being on the planet, who’s wiser than any philosopher I have read, and is more caring than any elucidated angel in any doctrine of our time. His name is Buckminster Fuller. He was an average Joe, with an average family, with an average job, and all of a sudden life began to throw him deeper and deeper in trial and tribulation. One day he just couldn’t take it anymore, left his house with his wife and kids at home, walked over to a bridge, stood on the railing, looked down and was about to let himself fall to his imminent doom. But he had a revelation, there on the bridge, seconds away from what could be just another average life disappearing into the shadowy waters awaiting below. He had a premenishion and realized that his life was a part of something greater, his life was not entirely his own. It was not for him to give it up, it was for him to show the world just what could be done with an average life. And he set forth on a journey to show the world just what he could accomplish. His accomplishments are so many and varied that they fill volumes, but the most interesting thing is not the plethora of things he accomplished, but the humanitarian way and moral goodness present in all the things he did.
Slade, let it all out. Whether here in front of everyone, or through private message, tell me all that is bothering you. Put it in words, take as long as you want, write as many words as you need, do it without a conscious thought of how I might take it, or what I might think, do this for yourself. Through your articulation of your problems you will find the sediment of your solution, and with a little guidance you can be on your way to not just giving yourself purpose, not just making yourself happy, but teaching others to find purpose and teaching others to be happy.
Use your mind…
What’s your take?
I remember when I was 18, it felt like the world was at my feet. I didn’t know enough to know any better and I lived without fear. But then I learned more, with this new understanding the world changed, and it changed me. I was once a teenager with high moral ideas, great convictions, passionate about life. Then the illusions of my childhood started to crumble. I was becoming a real man; I now had to face problems that had no real solutions. The Idealist in me rebelled; I wouldn’t accept the world for what it was. I knew how it could be better, and believe that it was up to me to change it. This then led me into fits of deep depression. Watching people kill each other for the sake of land, oil, food, or just shear fun. Having to see this is not something you would wish upon anyone, it left me disenchanted with life and I had little hope.
I now had to make a choice in life. I could let it overwhelm me, or I could choose to grow in a new way. I chose to accept the world as it was, not because it was perfect but because it was flawed. It was filled with other people, who just like me, were also flawed. I had made mistakes in my life, as other people had made mistakes in theirs. The world is what we make it. I know this is a corny line, but it’s a fact.
I agree with you that a life without meaning leads to sadness. But to give up hope before you explore all the different avenues of life, is not the best approach to solving the problem. Life might be shit today and tomorrow or even a couple of years, I’ve been there. Yet you can’t give up hope, things change with time. Understandings grow and new possibilities emerge from the darkness. People who have never walked into the darkness have never really lived!
Each person’s life is different, just as each experience is slightly different. If we judge our life against others, it will always seem somehow less then theirs. And just because people appear to have it together means nothing, as appearances can be deceptive.
Like you’ve said yourself, no one else can give you want your looking for. But I can tell you it’s out there. All things in life that have real value require time, effort, and dedication. Life is not simple, and it is not always fun. There are deep lows and great highs. Life is about the people we meet, friends and lovers who we share this rocky road with. If we choose to live a life without these connections to others then emptiness will always be there. It takes time to fill the emptiness, don’t expect a quick solution, life needs to be accepted for what it is, not what it should be. Once we accept it for want it is, we can then start to change it in a very small way. It’s like the old saying, “Even the slowest dripping tap will eventually fill the sink.†Philosophy is one of the ways to find meaning but it is not a solution in its self, it will answer a lot of questions and make you ask many more. Life is not about the start or the finish; it’s all about the bit in-between. They say a man who has never made a mistake has never made anything. It’s all part of learning.
I wish you all the best and I hope to read many more of your posts on this board, about questions you have, and the answers you give. As it’s only when people help people, that all can grow.
Pax Vitae
Now that I have more time let me further explain my words.
Save your money but pay things that need to be taken care of.
Buy something you can use to take care of yourself with, not a gun but something that will give you a sense of security.
notify your loved ones, lock your valuables from others.
Dont just go for brief walks, I say take your saved money and wander around your area for days or go futher into the unknown. In the unknown you will find answers but you will find questions. It is not answers that drive us forward but the search of answers.
But if this is extreme then go out for brief momentual walks. but never repeat a route, never go to the same place. if anything you can explorer.
It is… refreshing to know that there are those that at least understand where I’m coming from. I was starting to think I was alone in the matter. BluTGI, I took your advice to a lesser degree, and walked for about 6 hours last night, reflecting on my life and the things said in this thread. I thank you all for your meaningfull words. What was said here… pulled me from a place I’m sure I didn’t want to be, but I don’t know if it pulled me far enough away.
Magius, your words meant alot to me, and indeed struck very close to home. I thank you for your compliments, as well, but mainly for your insight. What you said made me consider the possability that I’ve been trying to hold on to what I once was, as opposed to what I could be. Perhaps it’s time for me to move past this life (not in the literal sense), start anew. The problem is I don’t know where to begin.
Part of what bothers me, I think, is that I DO know the great power of helping others, Magius, but it’s not enough. I do what I can to help those I can, but I want to help on a much grander scale. much grander. Volunteering my time thrice a week just isn’t making much difference in the grand scheme of things, is it? As a small child I always just assumed I’d have a life of meaning, that I’d change the world in some fashion for the better. As I approach adulthood, that goal seems less and less realistic. The alternative, a life of mediocraty (sp.), is horrifying to me. Well as horrified as I can get (I will elaborate on the statement further down).
An example of the kind of life I mean -a life of meaning- could very well be that of Mr. Fuller. I can see how you could respect him. But the difference between him and me, is that he had fire, a burning fuel in him to do what he thought right, to make his own points to the world and prove himself to he and everyone else. That fire used to be present in me, but no longer. I don’t know when it happened, or why, but the things that used to spur me on seem only trivial to me now.
Which brings me back to my earlier statement: that I cannot be truly horrified. You asked me to let it all out Magius. Well here it goes then. What I say here, I’ve said to only a few, because I know how it must sound. To me, it feels as if I’m living someone else’s life, yet I know it is mine. Every emotion seems as though through a fog, a very thick and dense fog, every person as if wearing a mask. When I laugh, cry, scream, it’s as though I’m just going through the motions, but I can still feel remnants of the feelings themselves. That is as far as it goes, however; I cannot remember the last time I truly felt sad or happy. Really felt the power of the actual emotions. It is only getting worse with time, and I fear that soon, there will be little difference between me and the computer on my desk. It is difficult to explain, but I get the feeling that you know something of which I speak, Magius. I don’t know why I think that, as I barely know you yet.
This is the stem of my problems. It is why I could continue to get high marks in school with little effort, but instead get C’s and why I am a Sergeant instead of a Warrent Officer in cadets. Why I let the girl I fell in love with leave my life without ever letting her know how I feel. Everything that was my life is slowly fading away as I do much the very same thing myself.
Magius you said the place to look is inside myself, but what if all there is inside me is emptiness? I hope that’s not true, but it’s sure how it feels. Rollings Stone’s ‘Painted Black’ comes to mind often as I live this shadow of a life.
Slade,
do not hold onto what you once were, hold onto what you are. If you cannot find who you are, look to what you want to be, if you are not sure what you want to be, help others and explore in great detail the people around you in order to find inspiration into who you want to be. What you could be, in my book, is anything you put your mind to, anything. Even beyond physical limitations. For it isn’t physical limitations we seek to quench the hunger of, instead it is our emotions.
I wouldn’t advocate starting a new life, for this tends to have the repercussions of disillusioning yourself. Most people start a new because they are running from that which they wish not to face. You say you don’t know where to begin, which only makes sense because you don’t know where to end. How thinking outside of teleology (conception of things striving for ends)? Enjoy the breath you are about to take, focus on it, feel it, and you will notice that the greatest joy of life can be had from a single breath. For that is always a starting point, shouldn’t be surprising the first thing I do when I get out of the house in the morning is a deep breath of the fresh air which I focus on and enjoy. One you know how to do that on a daily basis, you can work from there.
slade stated:
A true sign of a humanitarian. I wonder what you would think if I was to suggest that you wish to become a part of something bigger, with lots of meaning, like a group of people or a company that has all the right goals in mind - something you can devote yourself to. Something that would bring meaning to your life. If this is the case, I would suggest holding off on that idea and focusing on building your confidence. As I am. Once you do, you will realize that you like the altruistic companies and groups of people out there that are trying to do good things, but you, with everything you have to give, would start your own group of people, your own company to put together to do it your way, and not to just help people for now, but to help people forever by not just changing their lives, but by changing the very world they live in. This is my goal, this is my purpose, but, unfortunately I am still at that building confidance stage.
I know exactly what you mean with each word of the above. As a child, life always seemed filled with meaning, I couldn’t imagine a life without meaning. Than I got to know many people, and realized that their lives are lives without meaning and I never wanted to be like them. The older I get the more I see myself sliding into the pit of mediocracy. What ceorces me there is the system, the way we educate people, the way our legal system works, the morals intrinsic and subtle or those that are even obvious, all are mishmashed into an incoherent jumble of life that most spend their life times understanding only a small part of it. It favours only the few, and fucks over the many. This must be changed, this will be changed.
Don’t look for a fire that was once there, look for the fire that is there now. Furthermore, when you find the fire, don’t depend on it, cause it is always changing. You depend on it too much and you will be in the same situation as now, not understanding how your fire could have disappeared.
Reconfigure yourself, spend alot of time alone, drop everything you use to believe, and re-evaluate everything you like and dislike, everything you agree with and disagree with. Not to be taken the wrong way, but re-invent yourself if you catch what I mean. Find what it is that you have come to be, come to terms with that, accept it, and soon you will love it as you will love yourself. Sometimes I wish I could follow my own advice. 
Don’t take this the wrong way, but I highly doubt that is all there is to your letting it all out. Give me specifics, give me your emotions, your memories, your pains, then I will have something to work with and be better able to help you. You say your life is your own, but like Mr. Fuller stated his life was not his own. I’m not saying he’s right, but maybe there is a psychological healing power to thinking about the possibility of your life not being your own. Try it. Everything else you say in this quote is very sad, but true. I know exactly how you feel, this is why you have to come to love yourself through yourself, and never through others. Do not depend on others for the way you feel about yourself, that is just self-destructive. When you laugh, don’t expect people to be in a positive mood, when you cry don’t expect people to care - empower yourself, raise your self-esteem, your confidance, your love for life. Then and only then will you have the power, the courage, the self-respect to change not just yourself but things and people around you.
Yes, quite right. I too have been there. When I was depressed nothing was life, nothing meant anything, every reaction I had was from habit, it was mechanical. It’s scary, cause in a time span of three months the person I was had changed 100% and no one noticed a single thing, until later. Someone could have donated a million dollars to me and I wouldn’t have even flinched. It would be the same as putting food in my mouth. This is harder to explain…for now I will keep it at, open your mind. Fight for the unfightable, consider the unconsidered, accept that which your past mentality would never accept, etc.
So? You can’t change the past but you can change the future. Do you want to get high marks in school? Do you want to be Sergeant? - or do you not really care? If you don’t care, find something you can care for. Do you still want the girl you love? See you aren’t in as bad shape as you thought, if you look at the wording of your paragraph you stated “Why I let the girl I fell in love with leave my life without ever lettin gher know how I feel.”, which tells me that you still care for her, maybe you still even love her. Care or love for her means that there is a flicker of light still within you. The most dangerous thing to do is to put all your energy into getting her back, cause than everything will depend on her. Remember, you must love yourself before you can adequately love another. Do this, find love for yourself, confidence, self-esteem, and I gaurantee you will get her back! Mark those words. But don’t do it for her, do it for yourself. Both you and her will be thankful in the end that you did.
Let it fade, your spending too much time focusing on the fog of time that is slowely changing you, instead, look past the fog and see what you are becoming. Get use to this, cause you will change alot in life.
Than I would say “Seek help”, but even that isn’t a cure. I was depressed and went to see my family doctor and two psychiatrists. My family doctor and one psychiatrist thought I just make too much of life’s problems, that
I need to stop caring about little absurdities of everyday life…yeah…one psychiatrist said that he diagnost me with MILD depression and that we would have a few more sessions to straighten things out. He never contacted me…so as you see, in the end you are left with only yourself. After which I would say you should turn to your family, closest family.
Let me know what you think, please
What’s your take?
Magius, you’ve dedicated much of your time to helping me as of late. For that I thank you, I can’t say I know many others who would do the same.
You said in your last post:
It is about as detailed as I stated above. My emotions: well I think lack of emotions seems to be my main problem. As I said before, it is difficult to explain. Not in the sense that I am unwilling as much as unable. I feel as though there is something blocking me from feeling what I am trying to feel. I don’t know if I’m not experiencing things as others do, or I am and it just feels, insuffiant somehow. I realize that it is hard to understand what I mean from what I’ve said, but if it helps, I’m as confused as you are.
My memories: living out an average life, under average circumstances, in an average way. If you are inquiring about my past in a biographical sense, then you’d have to be more specific.
My pains: I don’t have much pain, other then the feeling of being incomplete or empty in some way, if that can be considered a pain. I have no idea how else to explain it.
I agree with you that I dwell too much on mistakes and regrets. A weakness I’m having a hard time trying to conquer, but as I said in my last post, I like things done as good as I can do them, and if they’re not done right, it annoys me.
Your comments about a humanitarian organization intruiged me. If you were to tell me more about it, I’d surely be interested.
As for seeking help, it’s what I’ve been doing for the last couple of years, and I suppose in a way, with my first post of this thread. I seemed to have received a form of help.
i know what you mean. this may be weird for you because im only 15 but hear me out anyways. i used to want to change the world on a grand scale as well. in fact, i think i can pinpoint the most crushing moment yet in my life was when i realized that i couldnt do that. and however terrible this made me feel, it was also a great moment of revelation for me. i accepted that maybe i dont have the qualities of matrin luther king jr or ghandi, but that didnt make me useless. i can still help people and even if my help seems small, it may just make somebodys day. and that to me is important as well.
so heres my advice:help out when you can, and when you cant, dont obsess about how you arent doing anything. a cliche that helped me a lot is “one good thing leads to another.” think about this: you see someone struggling to start their car roadside. nobody is stopping to help. you pull over and help them out. the person you helped is thinking over your act of kindness as they drive away. “what if that person hadnt stopped to help me?” they think. then they see somebody else strugling roadside, and pull over to help. get the picture? kindness is contagious. you may not be able to change the world, but you CAN start a chain reaction like this one and thus helping many people.
also, ive found that the best people to ask for advice when youre feeling depressed are people you dont like and whom dislike you. they wont be overly sympathetic as a friend may feel obligated to be, and you may even find out that they have problems as well that they want to share. two birds with one stone:problems off your chest, and a new friend.
Hairy Guy, thanks for the advice. What you said reminds me of a commercial where a girl smiles at something. A guy, seeing her smile, gets in a better mood and helps some other man clean up some fruit he spilled. The man who spilled the fruit was inspired, and held open a door for someone going into a nearby restaurant… it went on with similier actions, but they all derived from one girl smiling. Of course they kind of ruined it when you find out she was smiling at some stupid car, but it was still nice.
I think your dream can still be a reality, as can mine. It is those that don’t let anyone tell them that they’re dreams are unrealistic and that they should settle into the average life that actually experience their full potential. Those that follow societies’ advice instead of their own calling just fade into the crowd. Anyone can become anything they want, and it took me this long to finally realize that, partially with the help of some people here, partially through much much self-exploration.
Your advice is very sound, Hairy Guy, and if you hadn’t told me different, I might think you older then 15. Indeed people should do what they can when they can, but to your advice, advice of my own: Don’t be disillusioned as to what you can and cannot do, because their is no such thing as ‘cannot’.
I thank you all for your help in this thread. It was more helpfull then you can ever know.
It sounds like you might have a chemical imbalance and you might have to go on some mood stabilizers. If you have insurance you should consider going to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist. If there is something wrong with the way the chemicals in your brain are working, nothing in life is going to work for you.
Although this post is going off on a tangent in regards to the theme of the other posts within this thread, I thought this thread most related to what I am going to post about.
I need some advice on life…
Background: I tend to be anti-social at times, even though I notice this I invariably become nervous and begin to feel an overwhelming sense of anxiety whenever I try to push myself into a social situation which I know that I am uncomfortable with. One such example, I don’t think I am a bad looking guy, but whenever I am walking down the street, or at university, or out with friends, and a girl looks at me…all I do is look back. I don’t smile, wink, or say hi. Nothing, just look. The last couple of days I have been reminding myself to smile or say hi with the next girl with which our eyes meet. Two days ago I went to get something from a gas station by my house. As I was going inside, there was a pretty girl walking out at the same time. We looked at each other and I instinctively…yes I didn’t have to remind myself…smiled at her. As I passed her she said “Do I know you?” I looked back and noticed that she did have a familiar face but I couldn’t trace it yet. I responded: “I’m not sure, but you do look familiar…Misconceptions?” Misconceptions was an acting company I use to work for, for about three years and so I had seen, met, and acted along side many pretty faces. She made a face to signify she had no clue what I was talking about, and then she said “Beyond Kung-Fu?” and I instantly remember who she was. When I was attending a kung-fu dojo by my house many years ago, she was also there as a student and we use to talk once in a while. We had an interesting conversation, of which the details are beyond the scope of this post, but my point here is that I was nervous as hell. I actually had the courage to ask for her phone number so we could do something. But now I am having trouble gathering up the courage to actually call her. You see, I’m 24 and there are no serious defects with me, which is to say that there is no reason I should be nervous - I have had many girlfriends, of which two were serious relationships. They each lasted approximately two years. But each time I meet a new girl, I feel like it’s my first date with my first girlfriend all over again. My question is, for those of you who have had the same problem and solved it, how did you go about doing so. What advice, if any, do you have for me to make me more comfortable in meeting girls. See, I have no problems being myself once I know the girl, but the first few occurences of being with her, are for me, extremely uncomfortable because of the stressful state I am in.
Many of my friends say it’s a confidence problem. With which I do not disagree, but knowing such a thing has not, so far, been able to help me. So I am asking for help, a solution…
What’s your take?
Gadfly, I shall try to help with the little that I have.
I think first we should look at what your friends mean by a ‘confidence’ problem.
You sound very similar to me. I reckon you don’t really lack confidence.
It has been said that I lack self esteem.
Like you I found it very hard to smile at a girl if we made eye contact.
Although I felt myself to be un-ugly (good looking?) and had confidence in myself, I was quite shy.
Looking back it seems to me that when faced with a pretty girl, subconciously you make an instant discission whether she would make a good partner, eg do you want to impregnate her or not?
This can be a very powerful urge. It gives you butterflies in your stomach, the feeling of love, or just plain lust.
Depending on the nature of the urge, in that split second you put her in a catgory. Just Sex, Mother of your children, a life partner, something to posess etc etc…
When I was single in the past I found this subconcious glimpse of the future quite unsettling. I seemed to have a desire to hurry up and meet the ‘right one’. To have a life partner/best friend/soul mate. I felt incomplete with out this.
Peace came when I gave up looking, when I stopped viewing every female as a potential partner. I did this by making a careful study of myself and trying to find out where this ‘need’ came from.
I seem to remember it was a need to be needed, to feel useful, to have a purpose, to be wanted etc.
Then I came to terms with myself. Made adjustments in my view of myself. Rather than seeing myself as half a partnership without the other half, I started viewing myself as a whole person, an individual.
I saw partnership as two individuals lives walking in harmony rather than two halves coming together to make a whole.
In other words I gained confidence or self esteem by seeing myself as a whole person needing nothing else.
When I had done this I found I stopped getting flustered around girls. I was no longer concerned with ‘what they thought of me’.
I viewed them as people first, rather than potential mates.
It was not long after this that I met my wife. I still feel whole in myself, and have learnt more in the last 10 years of marriage than I ever did in my life before that.
As far as dating. The first date I had with my wife was a completly different experience. I didn’t see it as taking a girl out to impress her and the other things done on a first date. It really was ‘doing something with a new friend’. The reason for asking her out was to get to know this new person better and also becuase I really thought she would enjoy where I was taking her! (No it wasn’t the usual dinner, movies or any of those other things to try and impress her)
We became best friends and fell in love. It’s a kind of love I’ve never experienced before. I was sure I had been in love before and knew what true love was until it happened, and now I can see how wrong I was.
Lust fades, love can fade, but a true friendship is stronger by far.
Sorry I babble so much, and maybe none of this makes sense.
But I reckon you should just ask yourself what expectations do you have of this date?
Once you have no expectations I reckon things will be pretty much ok.
That’s my take 
Good luck!
MentulZen.
Edit: Note to Slade7
I found my purpose and the meaning of my life just under 5 years ago, and then again just over 2 years ago…As they grow so does the purpose and meaning of my life. Hopefully you will find it to one day, but don’t rush, I’m sure it will arrive when it’s ready
Magius (I just can’t call you Gadfly 
)-
The best part of meeting someone new is being scared and anxious. I have never felt more alive than in those times when I was courting a new girl. Don’t fight the fear and anxiety, relish it. I think if you change your perspective on your feelings, you will grow to enjoy them for what they offer.
Reading your post has made me realize just how much I miss the early months of a relationship. Hell Magius, I’m envious.
MentalZen stated:
I think you said this better than I ever could. I couldn’t agree more.
MentalZen stated:
I agree.
MentalZen stated:
I wouldn’t say I am ever in a hurry to meet the right one, it’s just that when I do find a girl - I am very picky because I want her to be the one. Ie. soul mate. I guess in a way, this could be seen as my hurry to meet the one, in the sense that if I am picky and don’t think the girl is the one, then I should be patient and learn, have fun, and not worry because I am suppose to be confident that one day I will meet the one. Instead, since my first girlfriend, each one, I hoped would be the one. Nevertheless, in a relationship I am actually quite accepting, adaptable, and willing to try anything once.
MentalZen stated:
This is really good advice, thank you. I will do so to the best of my ability.
MentalZen stated:
Yes, although I have always known this, I haven’t begun implementing it till now. Relationships always took over my life, my habits ceased to exist, I ceased to exist except as an attachement to my girlfriends life. Ironically, it wasn’t me that was obsessed with them but them with me. Wanting to spend every waking moment with me. I didn’t have the will power to say no and stand up for who I am. I guess this is because, as you said, I had a need to be needed, wanted, and to have a purpose outside of myself.
MentalZen stated:
That is amazing MentalZen. Truly.
MentalZen stated:
I will try to do the same, now that you have helped me to realize how.
Mental Zen stated:
There were few times in my life where I was confident enough to not worry about what girls will think of me, unfortunately none of those times were moments where I met a girlfriend.
MentalZen stated:
I only hope that I will one day be able to say the same.
MentalZen stated:
Very nice. I’m wondering, where did you take her on your first date? If you don’t want everyone else knowing, PM me, or if it is private than don’t feel compelled to tell me, I don’t mind not knowing if it’s private.
MentalZen stated:
I only hope that one day I may come to not only realize, but to also experience true love.
MentalZen stated:
What!?! NO no no. You are not babbly and you are making more sense than anyone I can remember ever telling me about relationships. I am forever greatful to you for this post. I also wanted to say that I am truly happy for you, it is really good to hear stories like yours to contrast the myriad stories of the majority who are obsessed with controlling, possessing, hurting, being selfish, using, and abusing others.
MentalZen stated:
Thank you and I will.
Matthew E.,
I also wanted to thank you for your post that was concise and to the point. It gave me as much as MentalZen’s post, oh and don’t worry, you can call me Magius. I know exactly what you mean about being alive, Kierkegaard speaks at length about how much he would love to atleast feel pain, atleast that way he would feel alive, instead he feels nothing. I think both you and MentalZen are correct. In fact, a merger of your two posts in most in accordance with how I understand myself coming to terms with myself. If I relish the fear and anxiety I will come to understand it, instead of trying to push it away. In coming to understand it I will learn how to control it. I also wanted to note, that my favorite line from your post was…
…to me, that statement is true wisdom.
Cordially,
~Magius
Hi Gadfly, hope everything is going great!
I don’t really think of myself as a clever person, rather that I posess the wisdom of the village idiot
The place I took my wife on our first date was to my Bhuddist meditation group, she seemed interested in it when I had told her about it. We sat side by side, in total silence and hardly said a word to each other the whole date, we just enjoyed each others company. We’ve been totally at ease with each other ever since.
Glad I could help.
MentulZen.
Strangely enough, I experience the same feelings that you have just described. Sometimes my episodes last for days and sometimes they last for months. I like to refer to this state as callousness. Emotionally, I could not determine whether I was happy or sad, I just knew that I felt something else, something numbing, blocking my emotions, and I could not figure out what it was. Physically, I would look at my hands and wonder why they don’t feel like they belong to me. I would walk around and I could feel my feet press against the ground. This would lead both to anxiety and depression. It turns out that, in my case, these feelings were linked to some pretty nasty stomach problems. Whenever my system would go out of whack, I would not feel any pain or discomfort, I would just become callous to everything. The only reason why I was able to link these psychological problems to my stomach is that whenever I would feel better, I would immediately get heartburn and it would last the next several days. I am not suggesting that the problems you are experiencing are due to your stomach, but if there is nothing emotionally happening in your life to trigger those symptoms you are describing, you should seek help in diagnosing any physical problems. I hope that you are able to conquer this problem, and if not, I hope, in time, you may be able to deal with it.
This post is deep and very accurate to my own feelings.
Thy Self laugheth at thine ego, and its proud prancings. “What are these prancings and flights of thought unto me?” it saith to itself. “A by-way to my purpose. Iam the leading string of the ego, and the prompter of its notions.”
The Self saith unto the ego: “Feel pain!” Thereupon it suffereth, and thinketh how it may put an end thereto- and for that very purpose it is meant ot think.
The Self saith unto the ego: “Feel pleasure!” Thereupon it rejoiceth, and thinketh how it may ofttimes rejoice- and for that very purpose it is meant to think. – Zarathustra.
MentulZen,
things are going much better (introspectively). Much of that was thanks to your post. In fact, I still find myself walking or driving and I think back to your post and the implications of its tenets on everyday life. I continue to make new synaptic connections each time I reread your post. It is truly an inspiring post.
I am growing to be more accepting of who I am, since I have also been told that I am way too hard on myself on many things. I am, therefore, coming to terms with my flaws. Put another way, I am accepting my flaws as part of who I am while also noting what I want changed about myself, while also having the patience and self-respect to change it in due time. Or to put it in your words I have begun to change what…
…and proceeded to…
So as you can see your little help, helped alot.
MentulZen,
it is because you think yourself to possess the wisdom of the village idiot that makes you truly wise, as it did Socrates.
I was quite inspired, also, when you told me where you took your friend (at the time) on your first date. In fact, coincidence would have it, that there is a beautiful buddhist temple not far from my house, that I always became mesmerized by when I went by it. I took a walking tour of the building on two occasions and even took photos of my girlfriend (at the time) from the outside.
What was so inspiring about your first date wasn’t so much the fact it went well, or that she liked it (on both counts I am happy for you that it did go well), but rather the fact that you were not afraid to be different. Put more succinctly, you were not afraid to be yourself. Too often people get stuck in normative dating schemes. You are definitely an original. I would be willing to bet, that’s the reason she fell in love with you and not some perception of normativity that other guys would have likely acted upon and portrayed.
And so, I wish you all the best, but more importantly I wish that the world around you never collects enough power to out-do your power of being yourself. We need many more people who are not afraid to be themselves while also caring about others. That latter part is quite important, since I know plenty of people that are themselves but care nothing for others. Which is to say that they go around using and hurting others to their own benefit.
What’s your take?
Slade7, this sound familiar to me, and I would imagine, to more people that you suspect. Do you by chance consider yourself a creative person? You may enjoy a book called “Art & Fear”. I don’t have the writers’ names off the top of my head, but it talks a bit about the discomfort associated with creative people.
Sometimes what you’re going through requires a change. About two years ago I think I probably about at the same spot you seem to be. I started changing things I recognized as problems. It’s slow at first, and I don’t feel 100% happy go-lucky, but I believe in perseverence.