I am an atheist. That is, I do not believe there is a supreme being or a creator entity. I believe that religions are cultural contructs serving to preserve the structure of society.
I was raised Christian. I did not have any sort of falling out with my religion, I just slowly grew into a different person. I woke up one day and realized my world view did not require or include a diety.
However, I believe in morality. I believe in righteousness for the sake of righteousness. I do not expect reward for my “good” deeds. But I do hope that if I am good to others, they will return the favor. I often justify a difficult action by saying it’s “the right thing to do”.
I have a friend who is not a good person. She is cruel, vindictive, selfish, uncaring, dishonest, and back-stabbing. She goes to church. She says she is not an atheist. Now, we’ve all known someone like this. Hell (NPI), every church must have a dozen such people. So her existence is not surprising or noteworthy in itself. But as I contrasted her life and mine, I noticed the complexity of my situation, perhaps not for the first time.
I am moral, but I am an atheist. Why am I moral? How does it serve me to be righteous? This is the inherent contradiction in my world view. Being nice doesn’t make it more likely that others will be nice to me. Holding doors for others does not prevent doors from slamming in my face. There will be no karmic reward for my good deeds.
I know all of this, I have internalized it into my “self”, but I am still righteous. Undoubtedly, the religious indoctrination I went through in my youth contributes to my current behavior, but I actively reject the mystical and historical tenets of my previous faith. I carry the yoke of righteousness without the promise of eternal reward. I avoid “sin” but without fear of condemnation.
Am I a walking, breathing contradiction? Can this paradox be resolved? Need it be? Or are paradoxes such as this OK?
Or am I a subconscious Christian?
A literature prof once asked me what is the difference between life and a novel. I relied that novels make sense. He said that was the best answer he’d ever heard. Maybe I should listen to my own wisdom, eh?
Thoughts?