But on reading a reply to your question, it occurred that the answer is way simpler :
My primal question being, and was the unanswerable: , at a time when the ontological double, needed to be clarified, and shared, ( and my membership was contingent with your evaluation and subsequent recommendation as a moderator to publish it)
That began primarily with the double aspect of philosophical reasoning of what consisted of the reality of the sensible world.
From then I write a lot of abstracted stuff from linear, literal conventional text, that simply could not maintain the level of conventional understanding which hid a lot of what is more consistent with modern flow of image linked metaphors, for which a constant stream of criticism was rightly leveled against.
So I took the stance of sinking the connective apparatus down below, to the underground, where those images required abstraction to be replaced , and renewed the ideasentertained of both spiritual -immaterial substance coupled with it’s supposed material counterpart, in an effort to sort out the boundaries, heretofore enigmatic and parabolic and hyperbolic as attempted through conventional description.
This failing, I proceeded to continue underground searches parallel to an existential errand of a departure from Dostoevsky!s letters from underground,
That I read prematurely at a young age needed a later, belated continuation, that availed of the opportunity to pursue independent study, fow which, unfortunately but necessarily had to pay a heavy price.
That was done under tremendous dues is withot question a choice that had no other, choice , that it was as necessary as blind acceptance, a kind of fated work ahead, that had no silver lining guerenteeing some valuable pay off at the end of some road ahead.
And that road turned into the Ricky subterranean world of the underground in both senses of the word.
So in answer to your question, I always found myself there, a vampire restricted to have mere visions of exiting the abyss, and seeking out as much light there, mostly from an imaginable landscape.