Scenario: A man is losing his wife to cancer. To add to this, he treated her pretty badly for most of their marriage and had only just learned to truly love her the right way when she was diagnosed. Because of the cancer treatments, he has lost his home and is in financial disarray. In short, his life is a mess. He has lived his whole life dependent on his wife and it doesnt even occur to him to do some basic things for himself. Now, the couple have a daughter. This daughter has been living in another state for years, pursuing her career and her life. Upon hearing of her mother’s illness, she takes a leave of absense from her life to support them. The daughter comes to the following realization: (1) her father will fall apart completely if she goes back to her former life path (i.e., without her) and (2) she is utterly unable to continue her chosen life path if she stays in her hometown.
No its not me, but it is a friend of a friend situation that led to a very lengthy and interesting discussion last night at my place. Just wondering other people’s thoughts.
Is it possible to move the father? If the daughter wishes to return to her old life, but doesn’t want to leave her father behind, then why not take the father with her?
She could move somewhere where she would be able to continue pursuing the life that she wants to live, and still be able to watch over her father for the remaining years of his life.
Let me complicate the issue further. The father is not in a “nursing home” situation. He’s only 51 and he’s healthy otherwise and would in no way move anywhere out of his hometown, because its a particular homogenous community that he is a part of.
molelove, 'tis a precarious situation, indeed. I do not believe that this weight should rest on the daughter’s shoulders alone.
On one side it is not a “nursing home” situation, but at the same time it seems the father is in need of assistance in maintaning his life. A nursing home is for the elderly disabled. There are other modes of care available for the type of rehabilitation that seems to be necessary in this scenario. The father needs to learn to hold himself together. The daughter would only take the place of the wife, and unless the daughter is equipped and willing to help the father eventually learn to take care of himself, it would be foolish to throw her own life into some state of disrepair… Hope this isn’t callous sounding. Humans know how to adapt, but not always on their own. I wouldn’t throw a second life into turmoil. I would suggest finding other assistance, whether it be religious, dedicated support groups, c.s.w., etc. Of course the price tag on some of these can be high monetarily, but I am sure there are also offordable/volunteer based assistance out there.
The daughter could stay with her father long enough to teach him some of the basics and to make sure he has a friend to check up on him in her absence. But if the father could go with her, that would be good too.
honestly…the father is an adult, even if he doesn’t know how to handle himself like one… he needs to learn to take care of himself. it is not good for a healthy 50 yr old man to be reduced to the level of an invalid where everyone assumes that he is incapable of doing things for himself… this will only make his life less satisfying and fulfilling, never mind the pain it would cause for the daughter… she would not be doing him a favor by givin up her life for him
if he is truly incapable then he should be the one to move and she should endeavor to teach him to do things for himself… honestly activity and the sense of pride one derives from accomplishing things and being independent are probably best for the father right now… of course the daughter should be there emotionally, and he deserves some of her time, but she cannot give up her life for his…
its not up to us to project ourselves on her because we all have been through different experiences and it is obvious that logic will not solve the problem given the circumstances (ie the dad wont leave the town and no career might be made in the town) so tell her to do what her ‘‘inner voice’’ tells her to do… i would go back to my dad but thats cuz i have a diff personality from practically any of the ppl i know given a completely diff life… if she’s gonna do it just cuz she needs to tell her to give it some time until she learns to like to help her dad out… or simply to live without him if shes cold like many ppl
it’s really no help at all to say that we have been through a different life therefore we can’t help. it sounds correct but I think it is really a nice-sounding excuse by people who are not willing to help so don’t fall into the trap.
I’m sure that a person, whatever age–especially an adult, when forced to learn the basics in order to live, he will do it very quickly. it’s the best way to learn. the daughter should perhaps check if he’s okay every now and then but not much more than that. you don’t want to make him dependent again really.
i dunno, but from personal experiences ppl when they’re 50 dont learn anymore… of course there might be FEW rare cases which i’ve never seen, but its rly hard…
and i did help, check what i wrote… but i think its easy to have someone tell you what to do, what dont u have her to learn? its a diff learning, but i think its right thing to do…
I’d recommend that she does what is most loving of herself, since I believe this will also be what is most loving of her father, even if he doesn’t like what she is doing.
What would be most loving of herself isn’t necessarily to leave, it would depend on what it meant for her emotional well-being were she to stay. It could be that for herself she needs to stay and look after her father. If the reason that she is staying is because she thinks that it would be best for her father, then I’d encourage her to go since if she stays she is going to resent it, which will damage her relationship to her father, and also because it does not encourage him to grow, it just allows him to stay as he is, rather than learning how to become independent.
From what you said I suspect she’d be best off going back, but putting some energy into supporting him in being able to become more independent. If he breaks down then I’d argue that he needs to break down so that he’s forced in to a situation where he has to heal and resolve some of his issues.