Extract from a Glasgow NED

Creative Forums Creative Writing
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If I masturbate in the bath and my mum uses the bath after me, even though I have pulled the plug on the water, is there a chance she’ll get pregnant?

I have to laugh. I’m only 12 years old. I’m always only 12 years old. You see it is my friend who asked me this and all I could say was ‘Don’t be daft, that can’t happen’ - Are you sure? He asked. ‘Aye, I’m sure…’ I wasn’t sure, but the idea was so ridiculous that I just had to laugh and assure him that the idea was off the charts, unheard off, totally ridiculous.

Notes from a Glasgow ned:

So I wiz walking doon the road wae my buckfast tonic
and startin tae get mad wi’ it when a couple a wee hairys
came up to us and said

‘awright ya wee fanny, whit you walkin alang this road on yir ayn fir? You billy no mates or wit? come wae us bawbag, come and get aff wae both of us doon the park, touch me and kellies fanny, and tell na cunt…here, geez a tan aur buckie ya mad fanny…’

So we just walked on and we all took a few tans of the sweet buckie and the two lassies just messed aboot way my cap and pinched ma arse and giggled. i think they were pure into me to be honest. i fink they wanted to go into the bushes and get bush happy. haha! What mad wee hairys they wir…still but…i would happily take them tae the bushes…

But guess whit! As we walked alang the road a heard the big shout:

‘Oi!! SCROTUM! YOU’RE GETTIN BANJOED!’

Whit! I shat maself. On the other side o the road wiz a crew about about 5 bodies. they where fuckin mental and i was on ma own with two lassies. they might hink i was an arsebandit. i should day a bolt - run like fuck. but they wid chase me and batter me good. i just walked alang and the burds talked back at the lads.

‘Awright ladies…!!’

said the biggest prick all cocky and sureivhimself.

‘Awright ladies…whose the wee scrotum wae you? Tellum to geez a tan of his buckie or we’ll Chib him ear tae ear…’

I turned white. i WIZ so freakin out. i wiz about to run off but the vastard got a hold of ma jaket and said - don’t try to run ya bawhair.

He pulled out a big carving chib. it looked like a fucking buckeries knife. i wiz shakin like a spaz. and i just passed him ma bottle…

‘here mate! have my buckie…take it…take it aw!’

But he just laughed at me. grabbed the buckie and smashed the bottle on the grund. all the crew laughed at me in the street chanting

‘SHITEBAG! SHITEBAG! SOAPDODGIN SHITEBAG!’

i ran like fuck. away hame. the burds went away with the five big cunts and i just went hame and built a few joints and watched the tele. which wiz pish. i fuckin HATE Glasga! its filled wae fuckin jakies and nae cunt gives a fuck aboot anycunt. just as i wiz smoke on ma joint my bra came in and asked:

‘uryegauntaethegemmethemorra?’

‘Aye…’ I said. ‘Aye…amgauntaethegemmethemorra.’

it wizny aw bad aw the time.
Banjoed

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Before I read this (or try to, as I have trouble wi regional dialect in writing) I’d like to say that it reminded me of something I once saw in a booklet in a university skills session. There were four fictional stories, A-D, about students’ experiences. The first one was by a character called “Ned”, and the heading on the page was: “A Ned’s Story”. I laughed at this (having not long ago found out from none other than colinsign what “ned” means) but when I told my group about it they were unmoved (they were a load of potatoes).

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Glad you took the time to read it Chimney…

I thought the harsh Glasgow dialect might be a bit tricky for some readers…especially sense I put a few eccentric twists even more so than the language has itself.

Albiet this was a small experiment in writing with the Glasgow Slang…one that I will be using more often…

:astonished:

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Ha, I liked this “story” or whatever you’d call it. It took a few reading overs but I find it great.

Good job, I’d love to see more like these.

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I liked this one too. It did take some careful reading but I liked it.

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Thanks, Colin. A good read.

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I’ve read the story. A sad but believable account of low-level male behaviour. These people should be force-fed dog muck until they learn how to behave more civily.

Out of interest, Colin, which of the two “old firms” (if any) do you support?

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I support Glasgow Celtic but this is purely by heriditary principle, my Father, my Mother, and all of their familyo n both sides have supported Celtic, so I support them by proxy. I don’t really follow football in the slighest. I played for my school football team when I was younger…I was a terrible defender, I scored one goal in my five year stint, we still managed to loose that game.

My older brother supports Rangers the only turn-coat in our close family…but someone had to rebel against the collective taste I suppose. There was an old firm game only yesterday…Celtic one two nil against Rangers.

This is a tiny tale of low-life antics in Glasgow, I don’t think we should feed them shit. I have no idea what to do with people who do not give a damn about the life they are living, largely because at the minute, I am one of them.