First time with creative writing

First time with creative writing, so please tell me what you think

         There was a boy stuck on the edge
                     Tied to a noose
             A gorgeous girl came along 
         And she could have cut him down
               She could of cut him lose 
                  But she didn't care
                She didn't feel the same
             She watched with flattered feelings 
       As this boys great hope snapped into pain

     As the jaded boy swayed from left to right 
She walked to the horizon, on with life, out of reach and out of sight
 The boy gasped for breath,  gathered with all his might and said
   "I would have loved to have loved that girl for all of my life"
  • Rowe

I’m afraid I don’t have any constructive criticism; the only thing I’ll comment on is the lack of punctuation- I was a bit out of breath after reading it. Was that intentional? Anyway, enjoyed it thoroughly.

Nope not intentional, but it could have a good effect. Your criticism was very constructive thank you.

you talk out loud when you read?

Not as a rule, but that doesn’t mean I stop breathing when I read to myself either.

This isn’t really a criticism, more a question. Is it supposed to be based on part of the song ‘amsterdam’ by coldplay?

“Stood on the edge, tied to a noose
You came along and you cut me loose”

Please dont take offence if it wasn’t, it was just the first thing that popped into my head. I did like the poem though.


Should be “She could have cut him loose

People say spelling/grammar/punctuation doesn’t matter as long as the meaning is conveyed. In my opinion, a poet who doesn’t use correct spelling (without a given purpose) deserves not to be heard. It’s just pure laziness.

Also, i didn’t really understand the meaning

  • ben

Sounds like a fundamentalist to an extent, if a simple grammar error is the most significant criticism you can provide then please don’t criticize. I think it would be silly to say it isn’t worth reading because it lacks a comma or two. As for meaning, all I can say is sorry. Make one up.

No, but that is where I got the noose idea, I just kept going on that and I was quite impressed so I thought I would post it.

Woah…hold your horses. You clearly asked “what do you think?” in your original post and I clearly stated what my opinion was. Perhaps I should explain further. I’m very sceptical about poetry and about art with hidden meanings. If a poem spells out it’s message and it’s one that moves me, then i’d say that’s a poem I like. If I can tell from the text that the poet has obviously put a lot of time and effort into her writing and has researched, considered, pontificated and generally thought long and hard about her piece of art, then I’d probably not be so bothered about spelling mistakes.

However, your piece of poetry does not come across that way. It looks (note: i say looks, not is) like something that was knocked up in 5 minutes with either a hidden meaning or no meaning at all. This is backed up heavily by the fact that you didn’t even bother to spell check it. If you’re not willing to put some effort into your art then I’m definitely not going to bother reading it, because it will inevitably be mediochre at best.

Being a poet is more than just being an angsty teenager who writes down radiohead style scribblings and pawns it off as art.

Let me get this straight. Not only do you want me to spell check your poetry for you, you also want me to create a meaning for it? Why don’'t I just write the damn thing!

Please don’t tell me when I can or can’t critcise. Especially when you’ve asked for it in a previous post.

:laughing: radiohead scribblings!! I like radiohead. You are right, it isn’t meant to be a master piece and it did take me about 15 minutes in a class at school. I wasn’t shooting for top notch elite poetry, I was just surprised at how it turned out and I was wondering if I was delusional of how good it was. It does have meaning to me and many people have told me it is nice. But…they were all teenagers, much like my self.

I was having a bad day and I came home and read something along the lines of “you spelled this wrong, its kind of pointless and has no meaning” So thus I responded with teenage driven anger. But despite all that it was a response and thank you for that, please respond to this so I know you go it.

Have a super life…

A piece of art doesn’t necessarily have to have lots of work put into it in order for it to be any good. I cant think of one offhand, but i’m sure there are plently of examples of songs that have been written in minutes, but still have the power to touch people. Or even examples of people dreaming lyrics or melodies to songs, which surely takes no effort at all.

the loss of love felt as a death is something I can identify with. Your Imagery is compelling. I get a sense of sweetness juxtaposed against a strak backdrop of violent yet lingering death, wich leaves me feeling a sense of stranglled acceptace. Good Job!!