Golden Dances (a revised edition of an earlier poem)

Creative Forums Creative Writing
1

(Scroll to the bottom to read the revised version – yes, he who said all writing is re-writing, was right!)

Golden Dances

Our lives are the hours,
Which we spend as thorns
Surrounded by flowers.

In our depths we search,
Like blind ones seek
Wisdom in church.

In the nights we dance,
As fools who know
It is all up to chance.

In those dismal dances
We yearn to burn
Your sour glances.

Near your graves we’ll sing,
The poet songs of spring,
But what does that bring?

Your deaths are hours,
Which you’ve spent as thorns
Surrounded by flowers.

I changed my mind about the title (which I just added) for I believe the poem needs an allusion in order to be understood.

2

I think that poem is, for the most part, pretty good. You must have written it yourself, am I right? I too write poetry quite often, so I sort of noticed that the rhythm was a little off. There is some talent in your writing though. Thanks for posting it.

3

Rigidity diminishes its sentiment for me.

It does have a title, now doesn’t it!?

4

thats my favourite part

5

Thanks for all the input.

embracetrees,

Sorry but I changed that line, it was a little spiteful and hence, not honest enough. I think, hopefuls, is more honest.

vortical,

Thank you for that comment! It allowed me to break out of the closed form. Thank you – you don’t know what an impact that little comment had.

I’ve re-written the poem, hopefully, fixing it’s earlier problems.

Golden Dances

our lives are the hours,
which we spend as thorns
surrounded by flowers,

in our depths we search,
as hopefuls seek
wisdom in church,

in the nights we dance,
as fools who know
it is all up to chance,

near our graves we sing,
poet songs of spring,

andinour dismal dances
we yearn to burn
our sour glances,

but what does that bring?

our lives are but hours,

spent like thorns

surrounded by flowers.

Changed my mind, the allusion is still needed.