Got any good jokes??

Here’s one…

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We do not believe this to be a coincidence. -Unknown

are you saying LSD came out of berkley? dude, that kills the joke.

Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn’t you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper.

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: “Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?”
Sartre replied, “Yes, I’d like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream”.
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, “I’m sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream – how about with no milk?”

From: workjoke.com/projoke70.htm

And, my favorite math joke:

Once there were three indian squaws with papooses. The first gave birth on a bear hide, the second gave birth on a buffalo hide, and the third gave birth on the hide of a hippopotamus. As adults, the first killed 36 warriors in battle, the second 64 warriors and the third 100 warriors – all of them being acclaimed great warriors. This just goes to show:…

The son of the squaw on the hide of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

why did the koala fall out of the tree?

he was dead.

-Imp

Rufus and John Boy are on a hunting trip together one day.

While walking through the woods, Rufus suddenly falls down experiencing chest pangs.

(John Boy begins to panic and calls 911 on his cell phone)

Operator: “May I help you?”

John Boy: “Yes, my friend might be having a heart attack. He fell down and appears to be unconcious. I can’t find a pulse. He might be dead!”

(John Boy frantically demands an ambulance)

Operator: “Sir, you must calm down. I will help you through this. First you need to be sure if he’s dead.”

(There is a moment of silence, then the operator hears a gunshot ring out)

Bang!!

John Boy: “Okay, now what?”

what do you call a guy with no arms or legs waterskiing?

Skip.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a mailbox?
Bill.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs and a shovel on his head?
Doug.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs next to a sink?
John.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs on a piece of paper?
Mark.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a bank?
Rob.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a hole?
Phil.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs on a grill?
Frank.
what do you call a girl with no arms or legs on a grill?
Patty.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs hanging on a wall?
Art.
what do you call a two guys with no arms or legs hanging on a wall?
Curt and Rod. (say it fast)
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a gully?
Rocky.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a marijuana field?
Bud.
what do you call an electrician with no arms or legs?
Sparky.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs that fell in a fire?
Bernie.
what do you call a guy with no arms, legs, or torso?
Dick.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pot?
Stu.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in front of your door?
Matt.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs on a podium?
Mike.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
what do you call a guy with no legs and one arm under a car?
Jack.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs that fell out of a boat?
Bob.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs flying over a fence?
Homer.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs on a dirt road?
Dusty.
what do you call a girl with no arms or legs on the beach?
Sandy.
what do you call a girl with no arms or legs on a fence?
Barb.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a soda plant?
Tab.
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs playing baseball?
First base.
what do you call a cat with no arms or legs?
Dog food.
what do you call a dog with no arms or legs?
Don’t matter, he ain’t gonna come.
where do you find a dog with no arms or legs?
Wherever you left it.
what do you call a girl with one leg?
Eileen.
what if she’s asian?
Irene.
what if she’s married to a politician?
Tipper.

You think I wrote that joke? Nah man, I picked it up off some site that had a slew of quotes. The way I interpretted the joke was that UNIX was brought upon by LSD.

I was just thinking, if Hume and Frege had a baby, he/she would grow up to be a: psycho-analyst.

Already. :frowning:

why do chicken coops have two doors?

if they had four doors they’d be chicken sedans…

-Imp

Why do they bury white people six feet in the ground?

Because deep down they’re really good people.

Three engineers are stuck in a broken down car.

The mechanical engineer thinks it was the carburettor that’s choked

The electrical engineer think’s it was the alternator that’s faulty.

The software engineer suggested that they open and close their windows.

A greedy man on his deathbed summoned his doctor, accountant, and his lawyer. He gave each of them an envelope containing $30,000 each. His instruction was: to toss the envelopes into his grave as his casket lowers.

After the funeral the three men agreed to meet at a bar:

Doctor: I have a confession to make. I took out ten grand from the envelope and tossed the rest into the grave.

Accountant: Well, my guilt is greater. I took out twenty grand before tossing the envelope into the grave.

Lawyer: Your combined guilt is nothing compared to what I’ve done. I took all 30 grand and wrote a check for the amount and tossed it into the grave.

Three pregnant women in an obstetrician’s office. The first goes in for her appointment. When she comes out, she announces to the other two that she is going to have a boy. She added, “It’s probably because I was on the bottom when we had sex.”

The second woman goes in for her appointment. When she comes out, she announces that she is going to have a girl. “It’s probably because I was on the top when we had sex.”

The third woman immediately began to cry. “What’s the problem?” asked the second. The third responded, “I think I’m going to have puppies.”

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?”
“None” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away”
“Well the answer is four” said the teacher, “but I like the way you are thinking.”

Little Johnny then said, “I have a question for you now teacher. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?”
“Well” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone?”
“No” said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking. "