the rhinestones
and sequins make him childish,
vulnerable in a dispensing way.
She watches him tap his foot
on the dirt floor as he jams
the strings of his guitar,
fingers groping, stroking
perfectly as an aside.
She insists their eyes met
during the second song-
corazon, corazon, corazon,
to the same three chords,
always the same three chords.
So she stays,exposing
her legs in a less
than subtle way, while
blowing cigarette smoke
into the rattling ceiling fan,
drinking cheap beer,
waiting for him to
finish
Nice one, cuz. Think about dropping the last line and giving a more open interpertation to the reader, rendering both possible. Perhaps indefinitness is a more poigniant ending, as the last line, though obvious in intent, is somehow off putting. Just advice, always have some salt . Thanks for sharing.
I like the last line in that it kind of says, ‘hey! Over here! Get your mind out of there.’ It kind of snaps us back into a certain reality, a reality you’ve created, you sick, sick man … in a good way.
Then again,
…The Underground Man raises a very good point. The allusion seems richer without the last line.
I am torn. Sick men the both of you … among a few others.
Ah, yes. I see. I was kind of going for a sexual overtone in this piece, with the suggestive words and all, but I think the ambiguity would still stand if I took out the last line. thanks guys.
. Thanks for sharing.