I find poetry cognitavely drianing so I’ll comment on one at a time.
I really like the first one, it has good concrete images which is of the utmost importance. Try reworking without saying aloud “I’m not the girl for you my dear.” I think you could make it even better.
Why is this all one line?
Also, why is the light pink? That’s an odd image.
I’d rather see more of her and her actions. You could probably leave out the “I’m not the girl for you my dear” entirely. I’m sure I’ll catch that myself just by reading the work. I don’t need this spelled out for me.
If you want meter, fine, we can deal with that. But the rhyme has to go. It’s sudden and out-of-place. It just doesn’t work here. The above is also too cliche. Try not to rely on phrases like “one night of passion” and “I leave with a smile and I leave with a tear” is too generalized. Can we get something more personal?
Previous comments hold.
Why the repetition?
Again, cliche, and spelled out.
Could I maybe see this instead of have it told to me?
Too much exposition. The only concrete imagery I see is in the first two stanzas. Be more specific, less vauge, generic, and cliche.
You seem to be trying to put a lot of emotion into this, but I can’t feel it behind the grayness of it all. Try to be more personal. It’s amazing how universal very specific instances and examples from your life can be. Don’t be afraid to be bare.
Also, you may want to focus less on the form and more on what you’re saying. Don’t try to be poetic. Just be honest, and let the poetry come later. You can toy with the form when you already have the meat of it all on the page.
I hope this helps. I’m not trying to be harsh, just honest.
I’d comment more on punctuation (it controls how we read the work) but I think that’s not something you need to focus on right now.
conclusion: philosophist are too analytical for poetry
Not that it’s a bad thing when all that’s wrong is so clearly stated, most people are too vague, but poetry comes from the soul and you could ravage a person('s self image) with constructive criticism.
Is this directed at me? I was a poet long before I ever got into philosophy.
Which is why I tried to not be too harsh, and why if you are sensitive to criticism, you should never try to get published. Editors are not always so kind.
It can be vague. But vaguery has its limits, and I think they were pushed here. Personal interpretation is fine, but we still need some direction (without being beaten over the head).
I stand by my comments, but I am far from the end word on poetry. I would always suggest getting mulitple responses, from many people with different aesthetics. And I’d also suggest letting people who are not into poetry read it, so you know what random person #5 thinks.
Clawing back to reality? A tad cliche. Night has fallen goes into the same category. “Helplessly asleep” isn’t bad.
Again, “haunting my nightmares” is cliche. Perhaps you could give me some sort of image, depiction, something a little more tangible to go with.
I’m not sure this fits with the rest of the work.
Pretty simple and expected image. If you connected this to something else, gave it some importance, etc., it could work.
My favorite stanza, but it doesn’t go anywhere. I expect something to come after, “on the white blanket” but you just leave me there and move on. Build on this. In fact, you may want to begin the poem with this, since it intrigues me and makes me want to read more, but again, you’d have to build on it so it goes somewhere.
I like the last line of this.
Fear I assume. Still not enough to move me.
Second favorite stanza. But this is comical, and the rest of the work isn’t, so you might want to just remove it entirely, unless for some reason you want the juxtaposition. You’re sort of pulling the rug from underneath me with this, and I’m curious as to why. Again, it may be better just to get rid of these two lines entirely.
After having read the entire work, I’m still wondering why past lovers are haunting your dreams, why they would be so frightening. Some sort of trauma? Some past experience that returns to you in your sleep? What? Think about that and see if you can’t draw on it to make more of an impact on the reader, and develop more for us to attach to.
It wasn’t meant in an insulting way, actually more with a humorous undertone. Maybe I should put in my sig that nothing I say is to be taken too seriously.
Really, I think you’re doing this in a wonderful way, but I thought a post to counteract yours a bit would be in place.
Always remember, typically the more a fellow poet criticises your work the more they like it. If you show something to a good poet and they say “That’s nice.” Then you have you cue to start crying. I’d say Shybard seems to like your work much more than I do.
There is real feeling in these poem but its a bit covered up. The pain isn’t naked enough. These are sad poems, but in a distant way. The poems doesn’t bring us fully into the moment. They a bit too much perspective. They are a bit too wise for their own good.
They are a bit too formal and wrapped up. Give us more. Never hold back. Involve all the senses.
But you do know. Or are you not refering to “him?” This is a tad confusing. You could also give me something a tad more tangible as to what “deepening into night” indicates.
I think you mean “there’s” or “there is.” That’s likely just a typo. There was solace in darkness before? It’d probably be better for me to see what solace there was previously and have it be contrasted with what’s happening now, so I can relate to the experience more.
There was no foreshadowing here. Maybe that’s good. Maybe that’s not. But this did kinda come out of left field for me (or is the saying right field? I can never remember).
Maybe something more visual? Or touch-based?
Same comment as before.
This is probably the best stanza, but there are two distinct problems. 1) What is it that isn’t supposed to be like this? 2) The rhyme. It’s misplaced. It makes it prettier. If you did it for the whole poem it might work, but throwing it randomly right here doesn’t.
You’re spelling it out for me again.
This could be a good way to end it. I’d have to see it reworked to really make a call on this.
All my previous comments hold. But I figured I had commented on the other two so I might as well give this a once over.
Shyboard wrote:
Kissa wrote:
but please,
Just one kiss, before I leave.
Could I maybe see this instead of have it told to me?
I Aggreed with everything shyboard said except this line. I think it sort of sums up the yearning that the poem is suppoesed to display. It’s telling but it’s telling in a good way. It is exactly what she wants. I’m not sure i could compose that line as an ending to this poem any better.