Ladder-straddling FWB?

Philosophy Forums Psychology and Mind
1

Hi, there. Former intellectual pimp turned FWB with a question.

He’s out of the picture for a few months and well…I have options that aren’t, including a guy/mutual friend who wants a real relationship. This is something the FWB (let’s call him Guy #1) and I discussed briefly but I flat out did not want (seen too many go bad lately), even though he said I would if we kept having sex.

But if anything, as time goes on, I want even less to date Guy #1. I like him better as a friend - albeit, a friend I can fuck whenever I want. In fact, most of the time I am able to dissociate sex from our interactions (making the secretive nature of our arrangement that much easier to maintain) and I feel he’s just like any of my many guy friends, but I certainly have no problem having sex with him when the opportunity arises, and could see myself returning to that if the other guy didn’t work out.

I guess what really drove it home to me is this: Whenever I think about having a relationship with Guy #2, I feel the resistance I had toward one with #1 melt away - even though other people’s relationships are still collapsing around me constantly.

One of my friends said it’s like my FWB is straddling both ladders. Ladder theory, as I understand it, says that this cannot be; that women usually agree to being FWBs because they hope it will lead to a long-term relationship with the man in question, and/or they (subconsciously) think the man is “better” than they are. So is my situation a contradiction of ladder theory? What does it mean, that I want a relationship with this other guy but didn’t want one with the FWB, even though I keep having sex with him?

Any objective insights from you wise and learned people would be much appreciated. :wink:

2

Hmmm, this sounds suspiciously familiar.

Similar dealio in my life in the past four months, only I’m the FWB Guy #2 (RAWR!).

As guy numero deux (I’m cosmo, look at me, IW material, ohhhh yeah :sunglasses: ), I can say, don’t worry about him. If he’s the FWB, that’s pretty much all he needs to stay happy. Keep it real shallow and real distant and you’re a-ok. Don’t do anything weird like say the word love within 3000 ft of his earshot. Don’t pretend to care toooo much about him. Don’t listen to him when he speaks but tune out when everyone else does… and really don’t shush the room when he begins/looks like he’s going to speak. That’s just nuts.

Just keep it simple. Insert Friend With Benefits B into Intellectual Pimp U, stir, twist, shake, convulse, wipe off condensation, and remove Friend With Benefits. Simple as finding the nth digit in pi with hex coding.

If you’re interested in guy 1, though, you have to make guy 2 disappear. This is easy. Fuck with his head. If he’s in IW, he values your opinion in him more than he values anything else b/c he wants you to like him. However, it sounds like you’re more of his IW (hence the ladder straddeling), which means there’s some role reversal. That being the case, ignore him. Chances are he’ll ignore you until one day he has a massive erection that wont go down and he calls you. Then just blow him off. Do this enough and you’ve got extinction. Men are not like women, we don’t obsess about stuff like that. There might be one or two confrontations, but that’s it. (reverse this around and as a man doing this to a woman, she’s going to obsess or become stalkerish… bad mana, yes no mojo?)

What does this situation mean? You enjoy sex and aren’t confident that you can get it on demand. As a result, you’re keeping FWB as a complex masturbatory tool (ego and genetalia). He doesn’t mind, it’s ok. Don’t feel guilty. :sunglasses:

My advice… RELAX. What happens happens. You’re straddeling the ladder in more ways than one, hon. I suggest you stop looking into ladder theory and worrying about what kinda label you are and start trying to figure out what the hell it is you really want… and the DO WHAT IT TAKES TO GET IT! Just calm down, relax, reflect, and figure out what you want. Simple as that.

If you want a complex mastubatory tool, though, PM me and I’ll give ya my digits. (I’m in SE Va, hop skip and a jump for a good 'ol romper romp wink wink nudge nudge)

3

Already done this a few times. He always comes back, though. And it’s just getting to be a drain. I think my only hope is for him to find someone back home, and just to pursue this other guy.

LOL. Thanks, but I think I’ll pass. Two guys right now is already one too many! :wink:

4

Agreed, but you don’t have to wait on him to find another woman before you find another guy. If you do, you may be getting yourself into a mexican stand off of sorts where he wants to wait for you to move on before he does, and you’re waiting for him to move on before you do. Just do Guy 1. You don’t sound very… interested… in him either. I mean, c’mon. The fact this is even a moral dilema to you makes me wonder if Guy 1 is all that great for you or marrying material.

Your loss. shrugs

5

I’m not waiting - unless you count waiting for Relationship Guy to come back from his vacation at the end of the month. Just hoping, because the FWB told RG, “You don’t have a chance with her as long as I’m around,” among other things, which really pissed me off because I’d liked RG from the first week I met him and was only with the FWB because 1) sex is fun and 2) I didn’t think RG would ever like me back. So really, my main motivation for hoping the FWB gets with someone else is that I won’t have to worry about him mouthing off again and causing trouble a few months down the line when we’re all back at school.

I don’t consider it a moral dilemna; more of a question of fuck buddy etiquette. This is my first FWB situation and I’d rather avoid messiness; same goes for the fact that (I hope) this will only be my third “real” relationship, and it’s not all standard procedure. Plus, like I said, I was into Relationship Guy almost from when I met him, and I’ve only found out over the past couple weeks that the feeling was mutual all along. (First from friends who “couldn’t believe” I didn’t see it, and then from him.) It’s still sinking in, after knowing him and telling myself I couldn’t have him that way for so many months. But more than anything, I can’t wait for him to get home…! Thanks for the advice.

6

Ewwww, that is a very important detail. All I can say is good luck with that then. Now FWB has pride issues with you hooking up with RB. He’s probably going to do something crazy whether or not he’s with another chick and over you. (mmm drunken debauchery, yum) Just hook up with RB and play the rest by ear. No use in waiting, may as well get it over with. If you’re trying to keep the FWB… that rarely happens. This is why FWB is not a good idea… it ruins the friendship. Almost garunteed.