Lo, Orb!

Creative Forums Creative Writing
1

Mound of flesh that doth bounce with glee when it runneth free
Orb most wondrous, bound in satin like a wriggling sachet
Heart on the outside of the body

Lo! I do dream of thee, I need thee,
I see thee in the night
Lo! I yearn for nothing else
Save for the other thee

Proud, like a fjord
Yielding like a meadow

Of the earth, there is only one
Of thee, many more than two

2

I really, really like this. :smiley:

For me, there are 2 things that detract slightly:

  1. I would use another word for “runneth” (using too many old english words in a row can sound too forced and a bit like a monte python sketch)
  2. I would drop the" thee" altogether (line 7 – too many 'thees"… besides I like the rhythm better without it.

Regardless, its very pleasing to read… over and over again.

3

GCT: boobies!

This is silly, I like it.

4

Breasts are silly, but fascinating all the same.

5

This made me laugh! Clever little construction, Tom, a concise account of the simple relationship between man and mountainous cleveage, a mock love poem, a serious love poem!!

:laughing:

6

It makes me laugh just reading it, I penned it off the cuff, in a funny mood. I have of course written some love poetry, including a pair I gave to J entitled ‘this is not a love poem’ and ‘this is a love poem’