Lovers

Social Forums Non-Philosophical Chat
1

So, from what I’ve heard, everyone has lost loves. I’ve been thinking of my past experiences and just wanted to vent them. Please feel welcome to share any of your experiences in however much or little detail suits you.

As for me, I’ve been in love four times. I messed up each.

#1 Emily - My first love. We were both in same English class in grade 7. Our brothers were close friends, so that was her ice breaker. We’d talk on the phone for hours after school, mainly I’d just listen to her (nautrally), and interject advice or thoughts.

She wanted to have sex with me, but I wanted to build a stronger relationship with here beforehand. I had a lot of trust issues, and wanted to feel safe with her before I was that intimate. Keep in mind, as a teenager, her proposition was quite hard to resist.

Sadly, I believe she had a strange sense of self-worth. She felt I rejected her because I wouldn’t sleep with her, which means she associated a deep chunk of her identity to her physical body.

She slept with a guy a few grades above us, validating her worth, I suppose. I took this as just cause not to trust her, and broke up with her.

I felt rejected by her, that she wasn’t satisfied with what I offered her, my heart.

My brother told me that for months after the separation, she sat in her room writing poetry about me. Upon hearing this, I was confused because I didn’t understand why a person who cheated on me would bother writing about me after the fact.

She did love me, I just didn’t or wasn’t prepared to recognize it.

I could easily have seen my self living a life with her.

I’ll probably post about the other women later, but not right now.

2

You’re wrong. She did not love you.

If she did love you, then she wouldn’t have betrayed you.

3

I explained why she ‘betrayed’ me. I was too afraid to show her affection and wasn’t trusting enough to be vulnerable.

Had I shown her more physical affection, we may still be together now.

I don’t blame her, and if she is partially responsible, I forgive her and could have back then, had I been a stronger man.

I left her, not the other way around. I was the one that walked away, essentially saying, it’s not worth it; a poor decision on my part.

4

If a woman loves you, then she will do anything, and I mean anything to have you. If a woman screws another man, then she never loved you in the first place. A woman gives her sex to the one she truly loves. And you weren’t it, hate to break this news to you Joe. Your idea of her in love you, is you just trying to redeem value in yourself, that you convinced yourself that she cared for you, when she didn’t.

If she truly loved you, then as I say, she would have had you. That’s how you can tell.

5

That sounds like something other than love. At least something mixed in. People should not have to put up with anything or do anything to get love, because then it isn’t love they are getting, it will be something else. Once you ‘do anything’, you have given up yourself. Any reward is for this other person who is not you. Of course there are Amazing things one will do for love. But if there is a pattern of not being loved back, moving away does not mean you did not love that other person.

6

Well, I’m not going to argue much about this. You and Joe can believe whatever you want. But I disbelieve, and distrust this story, that this woman loved Joe. I don’t buy that. But maybe there is more to the story. For now, I’m a doubter.

7

First off,

I’m recollecting this event for my own interest. To understand what I did wrong, what my influence on the events were.

It’s an aside whether she loved me or not, what matters is that I loved her, yet I eventually left.

I don’t need to save face here, if she didn’t love me, she didn’t love me. I wouldn’t be offended if she didn’t, because I wouldn’t take it personally anymore. It’s her body, her feelings. No mark against me.

For the sake of clarity, as I already said, she was pressuring me to have sex with her. I wouldn’t let her give me her body. So, by your standard, she was trying to show her love.

When I was breaking up with her, she said as much. ‘I’ll do anything for you, don’t leave’. She made all sorts of offers. After I broke up with her, she continued to call me, and got her friends to call me.

Insightfoul,

I don’t understand your motivation to come here and challenge my version of events. Why does my interpretation of my past, matter to you?

Are you relating your own personal experiences onto me?

If so, feel free to share your experiences directly, instead of fighting your past via my past.

8

I’ve been in a similar situation before, with my committed ex girlfriend who begged me to stay with her, and to remain friends, despite breaking up with her.

I’ve also had flings and other romantic relationships. I know what love is about. I am the authority on love. And I say, from the information you provided, there was no love there on her end. Maybe it was on your end, but not hers. Like I said, if a woman actually, truly loves you, then you’ll know. And she won’t #%@! around with other men too, betraying you. If a woman betrays you, then she doesn’t love you. It’s simple, don’t complicate the issue.

Did she, or did she not, betray your trust?

9

I’ve never had a ‘lost love’. I have fallen in love once, it was on my 24th birthday, and I would never let that him anywhere. I love him, he loves me. I knew from the start that I would be happier if we spent the rest of our lives together. Before that, I had barely even been in a relationship because I believe that relationships without true love are pointless - just something people are told to have but which they don’t really want - so I never looked to be in one, I guess that was a personal choice.

JS, I agree with insightfoul, from what you said it didn’t really sound like love, just two people who liked each other and got along well. Over time, maybe it would have become love, but at that time it sounds like it couldn’t have been: you let her go over a small issue and she did nothing

you are the one who posted them on a message board. You can’t post things on a public forum and then say ‘but please only talk about these things in this way’. Once posted, people will give their opinions on whatever they choose to, however they choose to. You should be more prepared for this, if you are going to keep posting deeply personal stuff on a message board.

10

Trust wasn’t a small issue to me.

When someone is systematically abused at a young age, trust is crucial in maintaining relationships. At least it was for me.

You’re downplaying my past, when action’s power is in how deeply it affects the experiencer. Therefore, your assessment of trust being a small issue is unfounded.

I love her to this day, and want her to be happy.

I’m asking their MOTIVATION, for critiquing my evaluation on extremely limited information. I lived it, I am far more informed on the circumstances than either of you, therefore to imply you have deeper insight and not respect my own evaluation, is offensive.

For example, let’s look at insightfoul’s great insights.

They have the arrogance to say I’m wrong. Really?

She betrayed me, so she didn’t love me? As though people never cheat in relationships.

I don’t even believe that a relationship must involve two people anymore, therefore, it’s not even a betrayal. My second love was her best friend, who I also built a relationship with at the time.

All three of us would talk on the phone together, or go places together. Was nice.

No doubt, this perpetuated Emily’s insecurities. Saying no to her, whilst developing a close bond to her best friend.

Anyway, all I see is projection and judgement from your and insightfoul’s words. Judgement of character, not of actions and relevant contributions to the equation.

11

She slept with someone else, it wasn’t that big of an issue in that it was a one time thing which she regretted, but it was for you. If trust means, for you, that you need to find someone who always keeps their promises and who always tells you the full story, then clearly she wasn’t the right person because neither things were in her nature. You can’t love somebody but not love fundamental parts of their personality. She was, by your standards, untrustworthy.

[quote]
She betrayed me, so she didn’t love me? As though people never cheat in relationships.[/quote

No, I didn’t agree with that bit, that was silly.

12

The men I loved, made it possible to love the only man I will ever call mate, husband and lover. They are gifts that stay with me and give me the ability to know my husband. I am even grateful to the few assholes that I spent time with. I learned from them too. Don’t regret or mourn those you loved and lost or were treated badly by, learn and grow from them so that when he or she walks into your life you will be a fit person for them. My stepmom helped me learn this.