Mothers and Fathers... Help Wanted.

Social Forums Non-Philosophical Chat
1

Hi, This is in mundane rather than the psychology forum because I’d like a wide range of people to give views.

You may or may not know that the wife and I have a 2 and a half year old son, he’s bright, communicative and happy. I need your help to keep him that way…

Bringing up baby. Anything from food to discipline to funny hats.

So - I’d like your ideas, but falling into strict groups please:

[size=125]1) You are a parent, or have been a parent of now adult sons/daughters.[/size]
From you I’d like tips from what you’ve tried, what worked, what didn’t work, and what you regard as important in rearing your child - specifically boys.

[size=125]2) You’re a psychologist or have training in that area[/size].
From you I’d like the future rammifications of the kinds of roles mothers and fathers adopt toward children - the effect of these roles on the psychology of the child/man in later life.

[size=125]3) You are a young, or childless adult[/size].
I’d like you to think back to your childhoods and how your mother and father treated you - and I’d like you to analyse yourself - can you see any connections between behavioural/thinking patterns you observe in yourself now - and the behaviour of your parents.

Please - put some thought into it - I’m going to take people’s advice and observations seriously - what you say may directly effect the life of my son. If you wanna say “Tab - you stink as a father and little Tab will become a serial-killer” - be specific - why do I stink, and how can I not stink.

Try to keep your posting into the above groups - and no metaphysics please - my child is flesh and blood - not an abstract concept.

If you post total crap - I’ll get the moderators to remove it. This thread may help you one day too.

2

Hi Tab,

Group # 1 - 3 times. Girl, 2 boys.

Your son isn’t the problem. At two and a half, he’s only interested in having what he wants. He is busy learning who will provide what, where, and when. He already knows that he must have different expectations of mom and then of dad. All children learn this from infancy. You did the same as a child.

The hassle is between mom and dad. You and the wife need to get a little closer to agreeing what is best for the boy, and under what circumstances. I was very fortunate in that my children’s mother and I were pretty much on the same page -most of the time.

Look for the compromise.

For Tab: Even though your son will show signs of brilliant rational thought and behavior, accept the fact that irrational behavior is the rule, not the exception. This is particularly true when tired, hungry, or not being the absolute center of attention. Patience with the irrational behavior is needed, and allowing him to be ‘mothered’ (you’d make a fine mother) is some times a good thing. Mothering is a necessary part of reassuring the child that love is unconditional at all times, not just when he’s being “good” Let it happen when you see that it is needed. Let it happen some of the time even when you think it isn’t needed. Slowly, as your son grows in his ability to consider his behavior rationally, both he and you will be more comfortable.

For Mom: Don’t ever stop mothering your child. He needs it and your willingness to give even when he doesn’t ‘deserve’ it is part of the special bond mothers have with their children. Know that for your child to grow to be a strong person in his own right, you must help him establish personal discipline. It won’t begin to show for several more years, but the ‘habits’ he develops now will stay with him for many years. Saying ‘no’ is just as loving as saying yes, and your son needs to hear no as often as he hears yes. Love him, nurture him, but don’t help establish bad habits with him. Indulgence is easy, but crippling.

For Mom and Dad: You need to face something right now. You won’t get it right, no matter how hard you try. You will screw it up. The problem with parenting is that they always send us inexperienced people to do the job. So parenting is more about your children raising you, than you raising them. Hopefully you and your children will do a decent job of growing together, and that is what they call a family.

A general observation: Our children will be as we are, not as we say. It is how we are and not what we say we are that will be the real parenting. Your children will know when you’ve made mistakes with them, but they will forgive anything if your intent is to do the best you can.

A final note. Parenting is the most difficult job in the world. I will never claim to have been even a good parent, but I gave it my best shot. After all my personal acheivements, the only thing I take pride in, is my being the best parent I could be.

JT

3

Wise words of experience. Thank JT.

C’mon people - get in touch with your inner child already… Did you come out of the pipe wearing ray-bans and go straight to university…? I don’t think so. Get your lazy fingers on the keyboard.

4

I’ve got 1 boy age 5…

I think the important thing to remember is that you are an adult, and need to have the patience of a monk. The worst thing you can do is resort to yelling when they yell at you about something. Remain calm, and make sure the punishment matches the crime. If he gets to rough with the kitties, he’s not allowed to play with the cats. If he doesn’t listen, he loses a privelege.

The moment you lose control of yourself, you lose control of them.

I agree 100% with this. The moment you step out of bounds of what the partner wants, he/she will feel like you are stepping on their toes. Not a good situation.

Honestly I think in this day and age, girls would be harder to raise with all the media whoring, and slutty role models.

5

And how excited am I with this thread? I have four boys and one daughter, so I am experienced with da boy thing.

  1. Buy nothing you love for your house. They will destroy it (by mistake, of course, so don’t waste your hard earned money.)

  2. Tell them from early on that you expect them to be gentlemen when they leave your house and it is your job as their parent to do it. Expect them to open doors for the elderly, stand up when someone comes in the room, shake someone’s hand firmly and look in their eyes, and use their name - and yes, I am old fashioned and they call adults Mr. and Mrs. Expect table manners and you will get them.

  3. Never break their heart. Have consequences but ones that do not break their spirit because it isn’t right or fair. If you ground them - mean it. If you gounded them too long, tell them they can work it off - housework, that is.

  4. When my boys were small and they got rowdy I made them do laps around the house. The amount of laps fit the circumstance and if they had been arguing - it cuts the crap it in half in 10 minutes.

  5. Loosen up on keeping a neat house. Don’t let them be pigs, but in the long run it isn’t all that important.

  6. Teach them to cook when they are very young and they will cook for you by the time they are 11. Best advice I’ll ever give you.

  7. Let them drink (young) at home. Like 15. My boys got their drinking years out of the way early because it wasn’t such a “big deal.” (The European approach. However, drinking and driving is a deal breaker and if they do it, I will grounded their ass for 3 mos. (I’ve done it.)

  8. Talk sex and condoms. If you are afraid to do it, you are a fool
    —>especially today. I assumed they would be having sex. I did it, and that was back in the 60’s.

  9. Don’t hit them, ever!! Don’t swear at them, ever!! and tell them you are sorry whenever you are wrong. They will respect you for it.

  10. Don’t take any shit.

  11. If you are broke, good… they will develop a work ethic. If you have a ton of money, don’t spoil them with it and make them work for it. Again, they will develop a work ethic.

  12. Love the tar out of them. Sing to them, write songs for them, make your own Halloween costumes, make homemade pizzas and gingerbread houses, play games with them until your ankles are swollen, and most of all let them know you are human.

  13. Try to think every day how you want them to remember you when they are older.

  14. They watch everything you do, so look in the mirror once in a while. Do I have regrets? Only that it didn’t last longer.

Now, I am going to go cry.

6

Yo Rasa, there was an immense 19th century German self educated educator. I can’t remember his name, not many can, but this guy left a well known book, a laconic one, and to many, an absolutely miraculous one. Unfortunately I can’t remember the title either. If I had a memory I’d be teaching now instead of learning. I spent this time posting this post means that I believe that particular book is worthy of your time. I read it a couple of years ago and I thought that the way he made his son a genius was scientific. Some time ago, a poorly educated woman in rural China read a translated version of the book when she was pregant, and 18 years later her daughter was admitted free of charge into Harvard. When CNN reporters went to this shabby hut of this woman in Sichuan province trying to find out how she produced such a genius, they found a yellow little book without cover lying on the bed beside the pillow.

7
  1. Don’t listen to those who say don’t let your kids sleep with you. All my kids slept with us at times and Western culture is about the only place where this is taboo. Hogwash. If anyone dares to make a sexual reference with this comment… grow up.
8

So, far I think that everyone has had a lot of good stuff to say. Bessy made some very good points.

The question about roles is very important in my opinion.

A few weeks ago an old friend brought her children to my place. The youngest is just old enough to walk, but not old enough to no longer look like a baby. Anyway, I noticed that he would imitate ANY stimulating or unusual thing that noticeable people did.

I tend to have a loud “evil” type laugh that sounds like “Ha! Ha! Ha! Haaaa!” This does not seem like a laugh that could be reproduced by a baby, as it is a deep sound. However, he did it, to a degree. My girlfriend squatted down while eating an ice cream and then so did he. The list goes on.

I noticed though that he would only imitate those behaviors that where very eye catching. I suppose that this could be generalized to the point of saying that humans imitate that which is most impressive. Impressive could include that which is negative as well. So, if a father beats his wife, then the son might to. If people make fun of you then you might make fun of others. The overall point is that parents are role models for kids and then as we get older all others are our potential role models.

It doesn’t say much for humanity, but it is likely the case that most of us are simply amalgams of all the people that we have been influenced by. The first people are of course the parents and they can have quite an effect. Kids are going to turn out to be a little like mom and a little like dad.

In psychology it’s the common answer that both parents should be on the same page when it comes to all child related issues. That sounds good, but what if the wrong conclusion is reached? That’s why I think that it’s good for parents, and all people, to have discussions with kids instead of just dictating commands. This models problem solving and shows kids that people can and do get along.

I also think that it is very good to have a nice mom that gives you a break and a knowledgeable dad that talks to you like you aren’t stupid. I think that this makes for later enjoyment of the sexes.

9

Group #3:

my parents raised me very twitch well…and i turned out twitch just finespasm…

anyways…my family is european, so the first sip of vodka i had literally at the age of 3. yes 3. that is not a good idea, i would start at 10…but i do not drink at all right now cos it was always such a normal thing to do and i never had to ask others to by it for me.

also, my parents raised me on different view points. instead of telling me their opinion only, they would tell me the facts and the other points of view before telling me what they thought (this is about topics like religion, evolution, etc.). this helped me think things through before i could trust anyone with their word.

they made me read poetry at an early age and memorize them…i could rhyme when i was 3. they would take me outside and show me everything and explain it, and no matter what kind of question i asked they would be sure to answer it.

if i had a problem they would always try to make me figure it out first.

also…i dunno if this was a good idea…but they would never place those child safety lock things on cabinets so that i would “learn from my mistakes” .

and that, my friends, is how i turned out to be such a fantastic individual!

10

I would love your parents. The vodka and the poetry did it for me, Embrace. :smiley: And, yes, you are a fine example of a great teenager.

11

Tab, this may apply to you. Since my boy was a baby, I got it in my head that I would make him more creative if I barraged him with wordplay, fantasy and non-sequitorial humor. I also thought it might be fun for him to know about philosophy and philosophers. Between the ages of three and five I laid in bed with him at night, sang Beatles songs, made up a story and then talked about questions. ABout an hour in the dark each night. We’re very close…but that kid is bonkers. I mean, he goes to school and they don’t know what to make of him. He’s a control freak, fabricates constantly “my dad is in Alaska this week,” etc. So my advice, in hindsight, is moderation. Balance and moderation. A little of anything goes a long way. Also, another thing I did was what I call hyperclarity. Being overly clear, overly thorough in my descriptions. The result is he notices irrelevant details and it gets in the way of certain social normalcies. And he’s used to it now, so I can rarely say anything once, rarely use a cliché, rarely be understood or just let it lie. In short, don’t be overly silly with junior. Be bland, be (gag) normal. Because ultimately it’s about genetics, not me, but it’d be nice to feel like I had nothing to do with his hypercreative neuroses, to a degree far beyond anything I had at his age.

12

:smiley: (no bigger grin emoticon)

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lol…my nephew is 2 and a half right now…and holy cow, what a handfull! A beautiful,sweet,headstrong,“No,Mommy…I don’t want to!” little devil-angel. He can trash a clean room in 3 minutes and clear out a restaurant in 15. I went to this thing called “Jimboree” with the nephew for a toddler birthday party…all the 2-3yr old munckins were the same…adorable terrors doing their own thing while demanding constant attention.

Have a support system so you can take a little break,never hit,and hang on until 4…they become really helpful at 4.

14

is that a taboo???
:astonished:

tab:
make sure they never fear you, they have to be perfectly comfortable around you
but don’t let that get in the way of being strict when needed

remember you and your wife are their stronghold, their ultimate resort
they must be able to count on you 100%, always
don’t be their friend, be their parent

15

People in the states are sooo uptight about it. Glad to hear you aren’t. :wink:

16

My nephew has slept with my sister and her husband for 2.5 years…he’ll probably do so until 4…she worries about him falling down the stairs if he wants a snack from the kitchen during the night. I think kids should be watched 24/7 until they are at least 8.

17

Gamer,

I loved the creative stuff you did with your little boy, and you can’t look back. With your kids you cannot take all the credit or all the blame. You sound like a terrific dad and there are too many genetic factors for you to assume that he is a control freak bc of you. Probably that latent gene on his mother’s side. :wink: