I was about to write her too like somehow explaining that I might not necessarily look for another job after all.
And then I was like AT THIS POINT YOU CAN ONLY MAKE IT WORSE STFU.
Well, fuck it. Next week, meaning this week, we stop wondering and press full play. We are bringing the business back online.
I had a strange idea yesterday. And it’s the kind of idea that comes around in a reteograde and it’s actually sound. But that doesn’t mean you press play during the retrograde.
We’ll see.
It’s alright.
It’s not alright to fucking stumble?
It’s alright.
The motivation just isn’t there.
What for?
Maybe this nicotine is just giving a stable ground for the nihilism. Nihilism less traumatic than dispair?
Yes, that is what it is. I have to quit this, and it will not be a joy ride.
The thing is, it helps at work. It gives me a poetic distance.
That’s silly. There is only one motivation that matters. Not to be poor.
What am I?
I am a poet. So, you know.
Mercury Retrograde something horrendous.
Bought four litres of coca cola.
The theory is that the raspy sugary hit will asuage the cravings, and half ass replace the cigarette for a time. Of course many more litres will be needed, but this is to make damn sure I don’t run out.
I’m not going to sweat the cigarettes so much anymore. They have had a strong stabilizing effect. Quitting will hurt, but maybe the state I was in would have led to more pain than that.
Better than “mood stabilizers.”
I’m also revisiting the pilot licence thing.
Not even as a way to make more money, but simply for the joy of flying an aeroplane.
It’s hard to believe a feeling this strong could be not reciprocated.
The jagged edges are not proof against God. They are proof of him.
Was blasting this on the company pickup so loud the truck shook.
One day I must get fired. It wouldn’t be fair otherwise.
Marcara Ratragrad.
Pain on top of pain, and everything feels backwards.
And we are only halfway through.
One day I might end it on a retrograde.
At least I’m not in fucking Montreal.
Headache because I am smoking way too much and pounding my body with sugar.
1 more each of tylenol and advil than is suggested.
The world is huge. Look at these mountains.
What’s the plan for the weekend?
I don’t know, these techno parties are a dead end.
I wish other people had a religion like mine.
I need to start a church.