Optimism, Humour, Altruism, and Laughing

Social Forums Non-Philosophical Chat
1

I have this wonderful friend, whom I am learning to appreciate more and more each day, unfortunately he has moved and we communicate either via email or phone. One of his greatest qualities is his ability to make one laugh. He sends me jokes all the time, I only realized recently what a difference it makes, even if he has nothing to say and just sends me a joke, he has raised my optimism for the day by atleast 10%.

I like to think of the ilovephilosophy community as a bunch of friends, hence I thought it pertinent to start a thread where we try to make each other laugh by sharing jokes (that do not impinge on others feelings - poof - all of a sudden everyone’s list of jokes got smaller if not extinguished completely), sharing funny and embarassing experiences from our lives, saying things to others for no reason but to make them feel better about themselves (and meaning it, not just bullshitting), for it takes a real talent to tell someone something nice about themselves at the right time and in the right way. The assumed and hoped for conclusion to this thread is to just make everyone laugh (without hurting anyone elses feelings) and to bring an optimistic side to discussions…it’s been so much easier to just argue, be serious with points, debate, and break down arguments…it’s like all the ancients say, to do wrong is easy, to do right is hard - we’ve come this far damn it, let’s do our hardest to see what really lies within in our hearts, our optimism, apathy, empathy, laughter, smiles, happiness, etc.

Let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt in this thread, in time of ambiguity or uncertainty let’s try to take the other’s words to be the optimistic approach to what it could mean. Let’s not critisize and scrutinize our beliefs or words as much as possible for the bettermeant of our hearts and each others happiness.

Please, follow me on this…

I will begin with a joke; followed by a quote I have come to admire thanks to the same friend:

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious?
Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The
chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it:
the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if
you eat that chicken you will become gay too! . I say we boycott
all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other
side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as
plain and simple as that.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working
American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with
a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed,
I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that
was good enough for us.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How
many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an
inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road
move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

“You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing
an imperfect person perfectly”
—Sam Keen

What’s your take?

2

Here’s my current favorite joke:

**clears throat **

What is brown and sticky?..

A STICK!!!

HahahahaHaha :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

3

What’s white and can’t climb trees? A fridge!

What’s red and yellow and can’t climb trees? Winnie the Fridge!

What’s blue and can’t climb trees? Thomas the Tank Fridge!

What’s green and brown, and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A Snooker Table!

Thank you, I’ll be here all week!

4

HVD!
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing:
your killin me…

how about this one…

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the
ow dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching
the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for
companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all
these years? The Fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have
lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for
which your heart
still yearns?” Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some
thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered
her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella
was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and
scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother”. The Fairy
Godmother replied “It is the least I can do. What does your heart
want for your second wish?” Cinderella looked down at her frail
body, and said: “I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth
again”. At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful
visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been
dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to
course through her.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke “You have one more wish, hat
shall you have?” Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into >a kind and handsome young man”. Magically, Bob suddenly underwent o
fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete
he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither
she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to
fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy
your new life.” And, with a blazing shock of bright blue
electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Bob and
Cinderella looked into each others eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless,
gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then
Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking
chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in
close blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he
whispered,…

I bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?"

5

Magius ~ in response to ur <<< ‘why did the chicken cross the road?’ >>> joke…

Timothy Leary: because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take

Saddam Hussein: this was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quit jitified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it

Captain James t. Kirk: to boldly go where no chicken has gone before ( i know u already have that on up there, but its so damn funny)

Hippocrates: because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas

Louis Farrakhan: the road, you see, represents the black man. the chicken ‘crossed’ the black man in order to trample him and keep him down

Martin Luther king jr.: i envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question

Moses: and god came down from the heavens, and he said unto the chicken, ’ thu shalt cross the road." and the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Jerry seinfeild: why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why does anyone ever think to ask, what the heck is chicken doing walking around all over the place anyways?

Freud: the fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals you underlying sexual insecurity (yes, yes…up there too)

Buddha: asking this question denies your own chicken nature

Bill Clinton: i did not cross that road with THAT chicken. However, i did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in new York…

… And it just goes on… :wink:

6

Some very good additions there silver, thanx. I found them very funny.

7

OJ Simpson: If the feather doesnt fit You must aquit, And now that ive been shown to be innocennt i commit myself to finding the real chicken.

8

Sir Isaac Newton: “A chicken at rest tends to stay at rest. A chicken in motion tends to cross the road.”

An actual label on an adhesive roller that removes lint from clothes and upholstery:

(1) Do not use this roller to the floorings that made of wood and plastic.

(2) Do not use this roller to clean the stuffs that dangerous to your hands such as glass and chinaware.

(3) Do not use this roller to people’s head, it is dangerous that hair could be sticked up to cause unexpected suffering.

Dave Barry: “Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.”

9

ahahaha…do not use roller on ppls heads…

and what if a want to get the lint off my plastic floors?? falls over laughing

10

Homer Simpson - mmmm chicken

George Bush - because it disunderestimated the danger of passing cars

Stephen Hawking - it was running away from black holes

11

L.A. Police Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we’ll find out.

Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road.
I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
I don’t know any chickens.
I have never known any chickens

Machiavelli:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road.
Who cares why?
The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was

Bill Clinton:
Please define “cross.”

This is the psychology students version of why the
chicken crossed the road: My teacher made me train it to do that.

12

I’m sure we’ve all smiled a lot, especially in this thread, the article I posted shouldn’t come as a surprise.

What’s in a Smile
by Kimberly Bailey

OK … so you have a sappy, supposedly inspirational quote. It is just an old wives’ tale - just a silly quip. It doesn’t really mean anything. Right? Maybe … maybe not. Doug Horton offers, “Smile, it’s free therapy.” There just may be something to this!

In psychology, there is a theory entitled the “facial feedback” hypothesis. This hypothesis states that “involuntary facial movements provide sufficient peripheral information to drive emotional experience” (Bernstein, et al., 2000). Davis and Palladino explain that “feedback from facial expression affects emotional expression and behavior” (2000). In other words, you may actually be able to improve your mood by simply smiling!

A number of research projects lend credence to this hypothesis. One study, conducted by Levenson and Friesen, found that autonomic changes similar to those seen with emotions were experienced by participants who were instructed to make certain faces. That is, a person told to make an angry face experienced increased blood flow to the hands and feet, which is also seen in those who are experiencing anger. Participants from another study involving posed faces reported more favorable impressions of other people when asked to smile. Research has also found that mimicking the face of someone else elicits empathy (Berstein, et al., 2000). In another research setting, participants were either prevented or encouraged to smile by being instructed how to hold a pencil in their mouths. Those who held a pencil in their teeth and thus were able to smile rated cartoons as funnier than did those who held the pencil in their lips and thus could not smile (Davis & Palladino, 2000).

I leave you with a quote, I’m not sure who said it, so I’ll say it’s anonymous:

“A smile costs nothing, but gives so much in return. It enriches those who give it. It only takes a moment, but the memory of it lingers forever. No one is so rich that they can get along without it.”

What’s your take?

13

Hey guys I got this in a e-mail recently, and it just cracked me up. A true test of logic, guaranteed to baffle even the greatest thinkers. Scroll down slowly after each question to avoid seeing the answer. I hope you have as much laughs with this, as I did. Enjoy

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you
whether you are qualified to be a “professional.” Scroll down for
each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.

  1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe,
and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.

  1. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, “Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and
close the refrigerator”?(Wrong Answer)

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put
in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to
think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

  1. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
    attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions
correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true
abilities.

  1. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by
    crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending
the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your
mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many
preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says
this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals have
the brains of a four year old.

14

Funny, I heard the very same thing on the radio a couple of months ago, hence I already know the answers, but I don’t think it to be as credible as you make it sound. I don’t think it a good test to try great minds, but heck, thats just my opinion.

15

No, you got me all wrong Magius, it’s just supposed to be a joke, and not at all intended to be a credible test of one’s critical thinking ability. (Even I think this whole test is false.)

When I said

I should have added at the end, (With lots of sarcasm)

This joke makes me laugh, because the answers are so simple, and since this thread was intended to make people laugh, without harming other people’s feelings, I thought this joke would be a perfect addition; not to test anyone’s intellect, but just to make them laugh.

Hey, I didn’t get any of the questions right!

16

I realize you meant it as a joke, but I did think you were being serious about it being a good test, didn’t mean to offend you. I think I came off too strong, didn’t mean to.

17

No need to apologize sir, your comment was appropriate, and no offense was taken. I just thought I needed to clarify myself.

roygabv :smiley:

18

In further advocating optimism in our lives I provide symptoms of sickness and symptoms of inner peace so that you may compare and guide your lives according to the inner peace symptoms…

How to get sick
Dont pay attention to your body. Eat plenty of junk food, drink too much, take drugs, have lots of unsafe sex with lots of different partners - and, above all, feel guilty about it. If you are over-stressed and tired, ignore it and keep pushing yourself.

Cultivate the experience of your life as meaningless and of little value.

Do the things you don’t like and avoid doing what you really want. Follow everyone else’s opinion and advice, while seeing yourself as miserable and ‘stuck’.

Be resentful and hyper-critical, especially towards yourself.

Fill your mind with dreadful pictures, and then obsess over them. Worry most, if not all of the time.

Avoid deep, lasting, intimate relationship.

Blame other people for all your problems.

Do not express your feelings and views openly and honestly. Other people wouldn’t appreciate it. If at all possible, don’t even know what your feelings are.

Shun anything that resembles a sense of humor. Life is no laughing matter!

Avoid making any changes which would bring you greater satisfaction and joy.

How to get sicker (if you are already sick)
Think about all the things that could happen to you. Dwell upon negative fearful images.

Be depressed, self-pitying, envious, and angry. Blame everyone and everything for your illness.

Read articles, books, and newspapers, watch TV programs, and listen to people who reinforce the viewpoint that there is no hope. Believe that you are powerless to influe your fate.

Cut yourself off from other people. Feel alienated from the world.

Hate yourself for having destroyed your life. Blame yourself and others mercilessly and incessantly.

Go see lots of different doctors. Run from one to another, spend half your time in waiting rooms, get lots of conflicting opinions and lots of experimental drugs, and start one program after another without sticking to any.

Quit your job, stop work on any projects, give up all activities that bring you a sense of purpose and fun

See your life as essentially pointless, and at an end.

Complain about your symptoms, and if you associate with anyone, do so exclusively with ohter people who are unhappy and embittered. Reinforce each other’s feelings of hopelessness.

Don’t take care of yourself. What’s the use? Try to get other people to do it for you, and then resent them for not doing a good job.

Think how awful life is, and how you might as well be dead. But make sure you are absolutely terrified of deat, just to increase the pain.

[size=150]Symptoms of Inner Peace[/size]
Tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears based on past experience.

An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.

Loss of interest in judging self.

Loss of interest in judging other people.

Loss of interest in conflict.

Loss of interest in interepreting actions of others.

Loss of ability to worry.

Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.

Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.

Frequent attacks of smiling through the eyes of the heart.

Increasing susceptibility to love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

Increasing tendency to let things happen rahter than to make them happen.

These were excerpts from the book “Peace, Love and Healing” by Bernie S. Siegel, M.D.

What’s your take?

19

Nice post there Magius, i find im more inclined to the Symptoms of Inner Peace these day’s. Yet things happen, they happen exactly as they should. So, whether you like British humour or not, here’s some Tommy Cooper joke’s:)

  • You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.

  • This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.

  • Cos it’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘Aaaaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

  • Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘your round.’ The Other one says ‘so are you, you fat b*stard’

  • I went to the doctors. He said ‘What appears to be the problem?’. I said ‘I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away’. He said ‘How can I help?’. I said ‘Break my arms!’

:laughing:

20

Hey Kesh,
thanks for the reply, those were really funny.

Speaking of elephants…what did the naked elephant say to the naked man? “How do you breath through that thing?”

Kesh, I think that parking joke was incredibly funny. But I think it would be funnier if you had said that someone complimented you on your parking today, since it says ‘Parking Fine’ and not ‘Driving Fine’.

Out of all seriousness, I attend university and I drive. The parking pass, to park on university property, is incredibly expensive. I conveniently found a parking lot behind a plaza right across the street from the uni where I escape parking tickets since the cops only come around between 8-10am. However, some of the people in the plaza have noticed me over the years (my fan club) and left me a note on my windshield saying “If you are so proud of the university you attend why not buy a parking pass” - the reason they said proud is because I have a ‘York University’ sticker on my back windshield.

What’s your take?