it is 6:00 am and a man wakes up…
we do not have a name for this man, he is just
a man… one of billions of men who woke up this morning…
But instead of leaping up and taking his usual shower
and then dressing for work, the man lingered in bed…
He was puzzled by a question that came into his head,
perhaps from a dream, perhaps it just popped into his head…
What am I to do? It is a simple enough question…
What should I do today? The man had spent his entire life
being a normal human being, before pondered this question…
He was born and was raised in his parents’ faith, with a name
given to him by his parents, within the country of his parents birth
and now his country of birth…He was given the usual education,
which left him no questions, as education should leave us without
any questions… as to who we are and what it is we should do…
He was married, as all good citizens should be married…
but his wife was out of town dealing with her sick mother…
He thought he should call her, but after looking at the clock,
he realized, she wouldn’t even be up yet…
and so, he laid in bed… pondering… What am I to do?
As he was an good employee, he thought about calling his work,
talking to his boss… perhaps that would clarify what it was he was
supposed to do?
He called his boss… “Hay, Tom”" this being a modern work place,
he could call his boss by his first name… ''What is it I am supposed to
do?" His boss answered “Well, today, you have the Ginsmore account
and the Tomas account” ““But Tom, what is it I am supposed to do?”
“You do what you always have done, which is manage the accounts
in district 6” “” But why? What is the point of this?” “Are you Ok?
You sound a little weird… is everything all right?”
And he thought to himself, I am supposed, expected to
say, yes, everything is fine… I’ll be in shortly…but that
wasn’t what he was feeling… He wasn’t sick, not really,
but he wasn’t fine, he just knew, knew something was wrong
and but he just couldn’t put his finger on it…
''No, Tom, I am not feeling ok, I think I am coming down with
something… I think I will take the day off…
“Ok, no problem, just make sure you are in tomorrow. We have
that big presentation going on tomorrow at 10:00.‘’
and the boss hung up. That didn’t make him feel any better or
worse, for that matter… it didn’t make him feel anything at all…
and the question he faced, ''What am I to do?” still bothered him,
maybe even haunted him a bit… Perhaps what also bothered him
was the fact that this question, had never bothered him before…
I have obligations and bills and commitments that I cannot just
ignore or leave behind…I have two cars for heavens sake,
I need two cars to live…and just as quickly the thought came into
his head, "“do you?”
What this was, was the first time, ever, that he had doubted…
anything in his entire life…‘‘is your very survival depending on
you’re having two cars?’’ a second doubting question…and then
came a third question’’ a terrifying question…
''is this life you lead, really all there is to this life?"
''Is obligations and commitments and car payments,
really all there is in your life?" ‘‘Do you have anything
of your life that isn’t about your obligations,
commitments, your bills, and duty?’’ ''What in your life
is actually yours?" ''The question of ‘‘What am I to do?"
is answered by your daily working, and being a good citizen,
buying products that keep the system going, but is any of it,
any of it, actually about you?’’ More questions and where
are these questions coming from?
''Do you do your daily obligations because it is what you want,
or do you do your daily obligations because it is expected of you?"
And he realized, he didn’t know that answer…
I go to work to afford things, cars and a house and a cat
named Bandit… But how is that me? How are buying things
really about me and what I want? Which really begs the question,
''What do I want?" To be honest, that answer always came from
outside of him… from his education, his childhood indoctrinations,
the media constantly begging, demanding, pleading with its
citizens, buy, buy, buy…be a good citizen by being
a good consumer, by being a good producer, by being
a good worker…Just as his boss Tom expected this morning…
a good citizen is one that is a good worker and a good consumer…
‘‘But does that make it right? Does that make it something
that I want to engage with?.. Does the entirety of my life lie
with buying things, making things, producing things…
Is that all there is to life? And then I retire, where according to
statistics, I will die roughly 7 years later…is that the entirety of
my life? Where I spend the first 20 years being educated to work
and then 50 years of my life working and then 7 years without working
before I die? So, of the roughly 75 years of my life, all but 7 years
is engaged in either preparing for work or actually working…
I get 7 years, where because of ill health, I might get 3 years
of good health before I become too sick to enjoy my retirement…
Is that all there is to this?’’
The questions in his head became too much… he rushed out
of bed… took a quick shower and grabbed his coat and went
outside… to escape his troubling questions…
''What am I to do?"
Next, ‘‘what am I to believe in?’’
Kropotkin