Pimpin' Ain't Easy (Comedic Essay)

Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy

An Exploration

It is a commonly held belief which is inconsistent with both logic and reason that, “Pimpin’ ain’t easy,” when, in fact, pimpin’ in and of itself is not a difficult profession to master at all. We will first need to explore the ease by which someone can take on pimpin’ as a profession. Further, we will examine the theory that pimpin’ is much easier provided the pimp not take part in any side businesses, finally, if the pimp does choose to participate in side ventures, it can be more easily done with a professional accounting department, human resource staff and marketing team.

First of all, pimpin’ is both an easy field to break into and an easy field in which to make a profit. Pimpin’ requires little to no start-up revenue, all one needs to do is find a homeless person that could be moderately attractive if cleaned up, a crack (or heroin) addict, or a lady recently released from a female correctional institution. Uneducated females that were abused as teenagers are also prime candidates. Anyway, the key is to find one or more of these types of individuals and offer them residency at your, “stable,” in exchange for a percentage of what they make. The beneficial part of this arrangement for the pimp is simply that he is using the percentage of the profits that his, “hos,” get to finance his stable anyway.

Pimpin’ is also a relatively easy field to break into in terms of educational attainment. While many respected community colleges offer Associate of Arts degrees in Business Administration-Female Solicitation a High School Diploma or Good Enough Degree (GED) is often all it takes to become a pimp provided that you interview well.

Pimpin’ also involves very little time spent on doing actual work. Consider this, if you are a furniture salesperson, when you make a sale, your employer gives you commission; when you are a pimp, it is your hos that make the sales, and do all the grunt work and you take a commission. Pimps aren’t the ones that have to have sex with strangers, they do not have to market the goods for sale and they do not stick their necks out as far as the hos when it comes to the legal ramifications of solicitation. The only job a pimp has is to, “corner,” the market, pun intended, once that is complete, a pimp can sit back and collect the profits.

Pimping is not as easy as being a hotel manager, a children’s TV show star, or a politician, there are admittedly some difficulties associated with pimping. The vast majority of pimps do not have an adequate 401K plan, nor do they pursue other avenues of investment for their retirement. This may be a result of the general life expectancy of a pimp. In the words of Coolio, from, “Gangsta’s Paradise ,” “I’m twenty-three now, but will I live to see twenty-four? The way things is goin’, I don’t know,” I believe what Coolio is trying to allude to here is that there is no reason to plan for retirement, as he lacks confidence in his ability to attain the age of twenty-four. I was unable to reach Mr. Coolio for direct comment, but was informed by his butler, “This man is a straight-up gangsta’, he is a world renowned expert of life on the streets, mothafucka. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to deliver this caviar to him.”

Even with the lack of a retirement plan, pimps often receive supplemental income from other venues. Some pimps receive social security or disability benefits, while many pimps receive supplemental income in the form of welfare and food stamps. In addition to that, the vast majority of pimps (99.9%) do not claim their pimpin’ earnings on income tax.

We must also further expand on the lack of workload of a pimp. The National Association of Pimpin’ Affairs (NAPA) implicitly states that a pimp is not permitted to engage in the work of a prostitute. This is further evidenced by Jack White in his poetic work, “Icky Thump,” where he states, “…You can’t be a pimp and a prostitute too.” Once again, it is evidenced that all a pimp need do is sit back and collect the profits.

Oftentimes, pimps create their own difficulty by electing to participate in side ventures that pursue other realms of illegality. These can often include such areas as gun running, drug dealing, credit card fencing, and murder-for-hire. All of these professions are much more difficult, dangerous and time consuming than pimping, which is in fact easy. While these side enterprises are often lucrative, they usually entail additional exposure to competitors as well as applicable law-enforcement agencies. That is why if a pimp chooses to make his life less easy by engaging in these affairs he must have a professional staff working for him inclusive to, Human Resources Management, Accounting, and Marketing/Sales.

A sole-proprietorship is only as strong as its employees, and a professional Human Resources division helps keep such employees, “In-check.” For instance, if one of your employees is arrested for participating in the aforementioned legal affairs, that employee may choose to, “roll-over,” on his employer. A professional Human Resources Manager will very calmly inform the employee that this is a violation of the rules out-lined in the Employee Handbook and is subject to, “Disciplinary action up to and including termination.” By termination, it is meant that the employer retains the right to, “Kill that ignorant mothafucka’.” The Human Resources Manager is also responsible for ensuring that the employees are not only adequately compensated, often with crack cocaine, but also regularly given praise for their efforts. After all, there is nothing an employee wants more than to be recognized for his/her work and value to the company. An effective an organized accounting department is also important to the business.

When left to do their own accounting, many pimps will often forget, or willfully neglect to pay a, “nigga,” when payment is due. No self-respecting drug dealer will take being stuck for his papers to kindly, as a result, a problematic situation can arise for the business. With a licensed Certified Public Accountant (CPA) with a working knowledge of Accounts Payable this problem is avoided as the books are meticulously kept. Many pimps to whom money is owned will often choose to, “off the biotch,” who owes them the money. A CPA would understand that this is not a profitable practice because a dead person is wholly incapable of repaying any debts. A CPA would also have the savvy to offer generous terms such as 2/NET/30 or 3/NET/10 in order to facilitate quicker payment. The last necessary team if one is to transact business aside from pimpin’ is a professional Marketing staff.

Selecting the right Marketing staff is very important for a pimp that chooses to branch out into side-businesses outside of his primary occupation. For instance, for all of the attention they draw, rappers are not good people to have in a Marketing Department. For one thing, rappers often make apparent in their lyrics the places at which they have performed drug transactions, what they were paid, how much was dealt, to whom it was dealt and who may have been killed in the process. This is not conducive to the successful running of the business because the business does not want to advertise its guilt in such matters. Rappers also tend to be overpaid pre-madonnas who have unrealistic expectations in terms of benefits. A well-trained Marketing staff will advertise your goods and services in a face-to-face sort of format without revealing too much negative information about the business.

Pimps choose to give the impression that pimpin’ is inherently difficult because they do not wish for other pimps to enter the market with either lower-priced, or better looking hos. In reality, pimpin’ is very simple, especially when one does not engage in any side endeavors to generate additional income. To keep pimpin’ at its simplest and finest, one should avoid other business ventures at the time one is pimpin’. However, if one requires additional money, then a strong Human Resources, Accounting and Marketing staff can make the difference between a difficult profession and a simple one.

=D> Excellent =D>
All this needs is for it to be read aloud to a fitting stick-figure flash animation…

Thank you for the complement.

And, yes, that would be awesome!!!