I had a long time male friend, he is well known.

He would discuss his work with me as I think I must have had a strong influence on him regarding this.

It was not until recently he confided in me his father, who was an alcoholic had sexually abused him when he was a teenager. He specifically told me I was the only one privy to this information and he trusted me not to divulge it to anyone. Now at this point I must state there were three of us, two males and myself who were friends, but I had a more intimate relationship with the man this story is about.

One night I was out with the other male and over drinks the conversation led to the subject of abuse. I inadvertently blurted out the information I was told was so secret, it was almost ‘sacrosanct’, referring to the man as an example of what we were discussing. To my horror I realised what I had said and to my horror again this man was gobsmacked by it. I tried to retract it by saying I was not certain, etc but it was too late, he latched onto it like a terrier.

I had inadvertently betrayed my best friend.

Of course the other male contacted my now defunct best friend with a barrage of questions and asking why he was not told.

In turn my friend asked me why I had betrayed him.

Nothing I could say could mend the rift, it was truly an innocent mistake, even now writing this I am still aware of the disastrous ramifications ‘my betrayal’ had on all three of us.

Secrets and why we keep them…

I think it is quite brave of you to reveal this to us but I also wonder if by doing so you are
once again violating the trust your friend had for you when you first revealed their awful
secret. And I am not being judgemental here just interested in what you think about this

I think your friend is blaming himself too, for telling you. Some burdens are one’s own to carry, and it would have been out of weakness to divulge such information; likely in a desire to unburden, or share the burden. Did he expect you to know what its like and really understand? What exactly was he trying to gain by this? The same question is to you, what were you trying to accomplish? Maybe a selfish impulse came out of you. In your idealized version, were you going to have some kind of three-some bonding therapy session?
But all-in-all, he’s the one who took that risk, opened the box, so to speak, and now has to deal with consequences. In other words, he brought it on himself. I don’t mean this in a judgemental way, in case you interpret it that way, just in a cause-effect way. And I think he knows it, too. Who knows, maybe subconsciously, that’s what he wants, but is too afraid of perceived stigma. After all, he did tell his ‘secret’

To S75

I don’t believe this is a violation nobody knows who he is. This was genuinely a careless mistake on my part, but I more or less took it for granted the other male knew because of the closeness and longevity of their friendship. I was very wrong and inadvertently proved to him, I suppose you cannot trust anyone.


To keep a secret for so many years and then decide to unburden yourself with a person you considered to be someone you can tell anything to and then be betrayed by that person, I mean, even his wife did not know about this. Storing this away for the years he did, perhaps has made it into a monumental event, that was crippling him. I don’t know.

What I do know is that it destroyed our friendship.

Perhaps there is a legitimate place for secrets.

There are some things that should be kept to yourself.

An afterthought.

I am not going to beat myself up over this. Shit happens.

I think your friend is blaming himself too, for telling you.


A secret is something of which you, and you alone, are aware.

The moment you share that knowledge with another living soul - it is no longer a secret.

A personal view, but I reckon your friend is admonishing you for his folly.

Secrets … regardless how innocuous … sap our life energy.

Secrets are a self defense mechanism that prevent us from getting on with our life’s journey.

All life experiences … the good … the bad … and the ugly … are bestowed upon us to help us discover … and execute … our life’s purpose.

i wish i had words of wisdom to give

where begins getting past the hurt? well intentioned answers are obvious, yet cause more hurt

Sounds like Your friend is a very sensitive man. The more sensitivity is involved in violations of trust, the more difficult it is to repair the drift. But here is the clincher, the trust he has violated of his own secrecy may be a metaphoric twist of his own father violating him. Once he.sees this, his sensitivity may cool down a bit.

Meno, you are close. Quite an insightful post.

Once a person decides to tell another person something that only they know, then it’s not a secret anymore. If you don’t want someone to know something, or for others to know it, then don’t tell anyone. Sounds like your friend is the one who messed up. Not trying to sound harsh, but there’s plenty of things I know that only I know, and that no one else will ever know. If I tell those things to someone and it turns out to be damaging to me then I have only myself to blame.

I agree Mr R, my sentiments also.

Usually the keeping of a secret demands self discipline and taking sole responsibility.

My mistake was one drink too many, what comes to mind “loose lips sink ships” and the consequences thereof.

Nevertheless I regret my lack of caution, which I tried to convey to him. He was unforgiving. I can live with that.

That all means that the trust of friendship is impossible. I carry many secrets friends have told me, and I never tell them. I just like that they trust me. I like to be in the know regarding many things, and I know that not revealing things is essential in getting there. I share a lot of things that look like secrets, these are just masks.

You could have set the story in a fictive context, for example. Getting it for your chest but not revealing the guys actual secret.

Im just giving some counterweight. I don’t believe that telling a friend a secret means you’re necessarily asking for that secret to be revealed to others. On the other hand, anyone who tells a friend of the fair sex a secret risks a lot. Women aren’t usually trusted with mens secrets unless it is in their vital interest to keep that secret. Secrets are power. Sharing secrets is satisfying that power. But its mainly power to destroy. Which is the most drug-like power.

Dont blame yourself. Blame the intoxication of the secret in combination with the alcohol.
I am responding a bit mockingly also in terms of your earlier claim of not using or respecting drugs, but still using the most violently brain damaging drug known to man - and betraying a friends trust on it… I realize you willingly set yourself up to be criticized here, so I take it you won’t scorn some honesty.

A secret is a secret. Can you keep a secret? Is one of the oldest phrases known to man. Its an honour being extended. Sure, we all betray honour sometimes. But lets not pretend that that is a good thing, much less that someone giving us honour is to blame for us dishonouring that gift.

Which I think you don’t. You’re fine with his anger, which is cool. The lesson you may get out of this is that alcohol is known as a hard drug for a good reason. Not just because it kills more people per weight than bullets. Largely it is because it makes things seem easy and unimportant, it rids the world of its values, it helps us to forget. Psychedelic drugs help us remember, and enhance the pleasure in trust, the respect for what wants to remain hidden…

Nature likes to hide

HA… you made the most of that post FC. I agree with you about alcohol and that is why I usually do not indulge, but after a “couple” this is what happened. Back to the topic.

The building of trust takes time, and even one instance of broken trust can shake its foundation to the core. I didn’t get there overnight earning this man’s trust, it took years of friendship to arrive there. Breaking trust is not essentially a male or female trait, it is a human frailty, although the majority of studies do lean towards women being more trustworthy than men. After reading the different opinions it directed my thoughts in a new direction and new perspective, perhaps this man’s betrayal by myself, forced him to raise questions about himself. Experiencing a betrayal is rough for most and the capacity to trust is definitely challenged, but it could be said that real trust can’t in fact, truly be realised without betrayal, as one may be oblivious to the risks involved in trusting and it is only after one has experienced betrayal that the risks are fully known and if one is willing to trust again, then this surely is ‘true’ trust.

Nature likes to hide.
We’re often most hidden from ourselves. What’s more, we sometimes take a bemused pleasure in our hiddenness.

Shieldmaiden, are you yourself hiding a secret that Fixed Cross is in reality Jacob?

That is no secret.

He is FC on another Forum and both on this Forum.

Geez, I had better be careful what I say.

I changed it to FC, my apologies Jakob.

Actually Blorbie, its Jakob.
You’ve been on hts site for years. You must either be retarded or an asshole for misspelling my name.
Either case, from now on you shall be Blorbie.

(in part for your cowardice in changing your name all the time)

Yes I did.

Ha, well I am willing to bet that these studies were conducted by women.

So you basically helped him advance.
Of course “wound brings vigour”.
He will definitely take a new path in his life now.
And likely he will be back.

Given that there is only nature, and nature likes to hide, nature must be hiding form herself. She probably hides her liking for hiding.
She hides in plain sight

Gosh, you don’t like or trust women?

A subject that could be explored but this is a philosophy forum not Freud’s office.

The mind boggles. :-k

No, you don’t really reason that well. But then you’re a woman.

:laughing: :laughing: =D>

Im so funny.