Dan, you need to recognize not everyone is a Christian like you are, that some of us are inquisitive enough to embrace the idea of magic.
I’m simply surprised Aristotle missed this in his biological investigations, merely by holding a Fox and stroking it’s nipples, Phonetic Ethics has unlocked essential truths to the universe that Illuminati Members like Zoot Allures and I have been taught. You will make a fine recruit into our order.
I will have to ask you to not digest any dark chocolate over the next four days. We are going to need to travel to Niburu, and by helicopter it can take quite some time.
The Smurfs have given us access to their hibernation chambers. They are Smurf sized, but we have a larger one in the Map Room Vault in the Library of Congress Annex Building. Smurfs have learned how to slow down metabolism by dipping their entire bodies in molten chocolate, a process called by them Fondue. We install straws up your nasal cavities, and tape oreos over your eyes to protect your retinas from solar radiation (a serious risk if you plan on leaving the earth’s protective Magnetosphere). We dip and double dip you feet first, to the chin, then we pour the Fondue elixir over your head, and sprinkle colored nutrient packets called “sprinkles”, each color corresponds to a different chakra color. It will preserve your spirit as We travel to our destination.
We can’t use the stargate right now because it’s heavily consigned the next few weeks delivering cheese from the Netherlands to another world where someone named Ma’at resides… I’ve never been there, never met her, but she really likes Dutch Cheese, and hogs the bandwidth, but know Zoots and I are coming. We will miniaturize our helicopter as we approach your house as you sleep. Under no circumstances are you to pour salt under the crack or your door or your window, it causes too much interference with our microrotors, we can’t enter.
My Name is Steve Rothschild. My uncle works for a bank and am here to help you. So you will know who I am, or who my followers are, when we give you a hand signal over our eye, it looks like a OK Sign, or a upside down number 9.
We are coming for you, welcome to the Illuminati. Your testing will begin shortly. It has a high fatality rate, but I’m sure you can pass the test.