a thread for mundane ironists
In the Company of Men
Chad: What’s the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?
Howard: I don’t know.
Chad: I’ll spend twenty minutes looking for a golf ball!
Pick one:
1] before Howard meets Christine
2] after Howard meets Christine
Chad: I’ll wonder to myself, “He got the balls for this?” Right? I can’t help but think it.
Keith: I do.
Chad: Yeah?
Keith: Yes. Ax anybody.
Chad: Let me give you a professional tip. The word is “ask.”
Just imagine if Keith were deaf too.
Chad: Show. Me. Your. Balls.
Keith: I don’t…
Chad: Listen. You got a pair the kind that men carry around, you wear them on your sleeve. That’s what business is about: Who’s sporting the nastiest sack of venom and who is willing to use it.
Well, Keith axed for it. He shows Chad his balls.
Howard [finally confessing the truth]: We did.
Christine: What?
Howard: We did know.
Christine: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Howard: You went out with me, dated me, had fun with me but you went to bed with him. Don’t say anything. I can tell. I’m sitting here, some asshole who cares about you and you’re in love with him. Are you so desperate… you can’t see a yard in front of you? Chad? He doesn’t like you. He loathes you. He detests you and your pathetic retard voice. That’s what he calls it. Christine, you bought that shit? See each other at parties? He’s my friend, okay? We hang out back home. You better wake up. You were used. It’s a game. To Chad, it was a game, and he found you “so perfect,” he said. “She’s deaf.” That was the thing. Not love you. Not flowers and the feelings I have for you inside. No, it was meant to be a sport fun to watch you fall apart. I’m telling you…
Christine: Stop it!
Howard: Christine, l…We did this thing, and I am so sorry…but I can’t change it because it’s true.
Christine: No! Chad would never do that!
Howard: Why are you trusting him?! Look at me. What did I ever do to you? Kindness, courtesy. What is the matter with you? Can’t you see I’m the good guy? I’m the good person here. I can’t alter what we’ve done, and I’m a fuck and a bastard and everything else on your list, but I’m here. I’m here, and I’m telling you…I love you.
No, seriously, what would you do?
Chad [to Christine]: I was gonna let you down easy, but I can’t keep a straight face…so fuck it. [he burst out laughing] Surprise. So how does it feel? I mean right now. This instant. How do you feel inside, knowing what you know? Tell me.
[she slaps him]
Chad: That’s all? It only hurts that much? Well, I guess I can go now.
It’s just acting. It’s all scripted. But we know better, don’t we?
Chad: I did it short. Over in a second. Left her sobbing in the hotel room. Then I walked over to Pizza Hut. It was your hotel room actually.
Howard: What?
Chad: See, I knew you’d be late wrapping stuff up, so I took the liberty. I got a maid to open up, and l…Well, I did the same thing when I first fucked her. I thought that you might find her there, so…
Howard: Chad.
Chad: What?
Howard: I’m trying to tell you I’m in love with her.
Chad: Oh…
Enough said?