Suicide
“Preventing a suicide is not necessarily a beneficent act if it forces the potential suicide to continue in a life of misery.” Gene Lester
Cue God, right?
“Suicidal pain includes the feeling that one has lost all capacity to effect emotional change. The agony is excruciating and looks as if it will never end. There is the feeling of having been beaten down for a very long time. There are feelings of agitation, emptiness, and incoherence. ‘Snap out of it and get on with your life,’ sounds like a demand to high jump ten feet.” L. Conroy
Or you can start here: Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness: Styron, William: 9780679736394: Amazon.com: Books
“No code of ethics and no effort are justifiable a priori in the face of the cruel mathematics that command our condition.” Albert Camus
An a priori life? An a priori death?
“No man kills himself unless there is something wrong with his life.” Al Alvarez
Actually, I figured that.
“Four thousand years ago, an Egyptian wrote out his despair onto papyrus in the form of a narrative and four short-versed poems. This document, now in the Berlin Museum, is thought by British psychiatrist Chris Thomas to be the first suicide note…"
‘Death is before me today
As a man longs to see his house
When he has spent years in captivity.’ Kay Redfield Jamison
Doesn’t surprise me.
“I can just close my eyes and let myself fall into oblivion. Maybe I’ll hit the exact same rocks and my blood will mingle with his and maybe there’s some kind of life after death and he’s waiting for me there with his hand outstretched just like mine.
But…
I don’t want to die.
I try to twist my body backwards and pain shoots up my neck.
It’s too late.
I chose life too late.” Cat Clarke
Ambiguity, let’s call it. If not flat-out ambivalence.