Tito is strong!

Tito is strong. Fucking crazy strong. Not normal. Bro. It’s…not normal. One time Tito punched a hole in someone’s face. Put his fist right into the guy’s face and the fist came out the back of the poor guy’s head. One time Tito made some clichéd comment about tearing off some dude’s arm and beating him with it, but then he actually did it. Talking about shit like that is a cliché, but actually doing it, actually watching that shit, is poignant as fuck. By twisting the arm around and around like a crank until the top part got all shredded and eventually gave way. Then Tito literally beat the guy to death with the ripped off arm. This was in prison. And it was in self-defense. He was making a point. See, Tito was in a basement solitary. The boss dude and a bunch of his thugs came down to pay Tito a visit. Tito killed all of them except the boss man. Tito ripped off the biggest guy’s arm to make it clear what he was about, and took the guy’s knife, and held it to the bossman’s neck. Then he handed the knife to the bossman and kneeled down and exposed his neck and said to the boss if you want to, kill me now, kill me now. Better yet, now that you’ve seen what I can do, let me work for you. The bossman was like, dude, relax, you’re hired.

Why is Tito so strong? That’s a good question. He’s got some neurological problem where his brain fires off signals faster than ours and these hormones and shit get released into his bloodstream. Plus he’s jacked. He’s got rock hard muscle and it’s not just the muscle but also his tendons. He’s got tendons like fucking steel wire. It’s totally genetic. He was like, a gymnast and a wrestler and then a bodybuilder, so he’s just insanely strong, to begin with, plus he’s insane, he has like a fucked up brain that generates unheard of amounts of will power that translates to brutal strength. And he knows karate and was a security guard. He weighs about 205 pounds and can do like 100 pullups in a row. It’s not okay. Dude scares me. He’s not human. Oh shit, here he comes this way. Oh fuck. Oh shit. Be cool, be cool…

Man Tito I saw him the other day he was pissed. His brother had gotten out of Leeuwkop prison and was heading home. He told me when I was getting meat for the dog. We cured the dog of cancer by zapping her. Now we give her raw meat only. Sometimes she pukes the bones. Anyway Tito was punching a hole in a lamppost when I saw him. I said Tito save it for your wife but he just went on pummeling his fist into the steel, and bending it. I said Tito whats up. He said my brothers coming Johnny. My brothers coming and he has an appetite. There was something about his brothers arrival that didnt sit well with Tito. It might have been that they used to have another brother but ate him, and always felt remorse when they were together.

Tito is a midget doing cabaret and DJing and living in Marrakech… true story… was there last week and saw him with my own eyes and heard him with mine ears.

Tito, Archduke Ferdinand, Adolf Hitler, Stalin, Trotsky, Freud, among others, all living in Vienna, in the summer of 1913, within 2 sq. miles of each other.

The history was terrible it had looked like a highway incident or accident but we knew better. It had all started over a doughnut. A person, who was then still totally fine, had contradicted that the hole in the doughnut was part of the doughnut.
Tito rammed the mans head through his windshield sheer through it but the face wasnt even broken as it had gone so fast, lightspeed, smash through the glass, and now Tito went around and started the car, and took the upramp and we never saw him again until last month when he camed out of prison. Now the man had survived, and he was going to kill him again.

(Canon episode)

Oh shit it’s me. Ok so Tito didn’t kill me but I worry he heard me telling you the story. Not that he would care because such stories are meant to be told. All the same we don’t need to be on his radar. Know what I’m saying, cuzz?

Where was I? Right. So Bossman goes by the name of Mr Franz. After the arm tearing off and knife incident Mr Franz knows - or believes he knows - it’s his prison now. His epistemology is understandable: He has a freak of nature right-hand man on his payroll - his new right hand man, with his right hand, literally took off the right hand of the old right hand man.

After that Mr. Franz walked with a quiet cool and knew it wouldn’t be long till he took down all remaining enemies. The guards. The warden. The snipers on the walls, and the fucking walls themselves. For he was packing a new kind of heat. Tito was clearly not of this world and he was the perfect weapon. It would be all about waiting. Strategizing.

Patience. Patience. Patience.

Bullshit. Franz was like: Ah fuck patience. Let’s do this shit tonight. I’m sick of this place. And fortune favors the bold! That’s what was up wit Franz, son.

Well I dont know abut all that. I think Tito made Franz up. I think Tito ran the prison all by his lonesome and it was Franzes arm he ripped off. Franz was probably real at one point but Tito was realer at the next point. But I just tell you what I think. It scares me to think what I think though.

When Tito was 7 he had already killed a cow by bashing its head in with a rock after he’d tipped it over. This was normal for Tito. When the cow was dead he milked it and chased the girls with the milk. Somehow he managed to chase all of them down. They didnt ran very fast. Tito had seven children just in that village. But thats normal like Genghis Khan also had a big family.

Tito set a tattoo on his arm with a hot poker and its not clear what the tattoo represents except pain in the arm.


So they took the prison. Bossman said “do your thang Tito.” What followed was a horrible awful crackling wet mess. Tito killed everyone. He spidered around like a psychotic killing pinball. Yes, he pulled out windpipes. Fuck yes he fractured rib cages thus puncturing aortas and turning hearts in hamburger. Yes, he gouged eyeballs, thank you very much, all the way back into the brain.
Yes he ripped off limbs. And here’s the thing. A guy like Tito needed no plan. He needed no map. He didn’t need no fucking blueprints. All he needed was Tito. He was like that. He didn’t need a fucking spoon and a tunnel. He didn’t need patience.

I once had a cousin like that. He was born in such a way that everything came easy. He was a model, an actor, a professional athlete, and a rock star. He did nothing. He needed no plan. Never had to buy a book at Barnes and Noble on how to be a rock star and what not. He just went in with no plan and crushed it to blood and guts, just like Tito. Born on third base, genetically.

If I wanted to escape prison, I’d have to have a plan, a strategy, and patience, and team work. But I don’t have the patience or attention span or even the stomach for that shit. What I’m saying is that if I was Tito I would escape and keep it all simple. But I’m not Tito so I will not escape. I will be a slave. But one thing I can do is also keep it simple and animal. Just more like a cow, and less like the honey badger that is Tito.

But this isn’t about me. This story took a wrong turn. Too much exposition and not enough action. My fault. I’m not a Tito style storyteller. But I promise the next installment will contain the grossest example of Tito imposed dismemberment yet. Stay tuned.


Tito was staying at Her Majesty’s place on the hill. God let him do anything he wanted like stomping that dweebs face into the floor for kicks. In the end some crazy cunt burned the place down but I heard they put him in an institution for life.

Tito eats some scrap metal for breakfast and burps. Its disgusting. Nicklebreath smells really bad, man.