Why do people get offended? In the presence of the actions, beliefs or words of other people that we find distasteful or undesirable, why do we not simply walk away? What I find interesting is that our emotions and self-esteem seem so wrapped up in the appraisal of others. If another person holds different views or beliefs than we do, or is engaging in behaviors that we find distasteful, why don’t we just walk away or ignore them? That we feel an emotional reaction of offense is an indication that we are taking the existence of this other person in a very personal way, and internalizing it. We are basically saying “I am not strong enough to assert my own opinions or beliefs, even within my own mind, in the presence of counter opinions or beliefs”.
Being offended just doesn’t make sense; it seems mostly a sign of intellectual weakness, lack of personal strength or convictions, or lack of emotional maturity. If I am around someone doing an activity or saying things that I think are wrong or distasteful or harmful or unethical, I just choose to leave, or not acknowledge them beyond simple recognition. It is a rational process, of recognizing a stimuli or situation that I do not prefer to be around, and then finding a way to rid myself of that stimuli or situation, if I so desire. I do not feel offended by these actions of other people. I do not feel threatened or afraid or angry. I experience only the recognition of my own personal beliefs and the reasons why I hold those beliefs.
To feel these sorts of emotions with respect to the actions or words of others, especially when these other people’s behavior has nothing at all to do with you or your life, is a sign that you have very low self-esteem, and very weak or fragile convictions. In the presence of people who are not in agreement with you, just the mere display of counter beliefs or activities that you do not desire or agree with is enough to trigger a threat reaction. You get angry, hurt, self-conscious, morally outraged – in short, emotionally invested. But assuming these actions are not impacting your life, why do you have this reaction? Is it just a fault of the brain’s internalizing what we experience and making it personal, even when it is not?
I think this is a large part of it. What we experience is taken within and turned into a part of us. If these experiences are at severe contrast or conflict with other parts of our internal “landscapes”, this generates pressure and dissonance. These then trigger emotions, intended to convey the presence of a threat. However, this just explains the instinctive first response to these sorts of situations; it does not explain the entire experience of being offended.
People see a religious symbol on a building, or hear a profanity uttered, or see a graphic depiction of violence or sex, or any similar type of situation, and they tie this experience into their personal worldview by allowing it to affect them in a personal way. They pronounce judgment upon it, but at the same time reveal their inability to overcome or fight against it by the fact that it injures them so much, that it is perceived as such a threat. If I experience any of those sorts of situations that I find distasteful, I just leave, or go do something else. I do not let it control my life or determine who I am. But when you get offended by these sorts of things, you are letting it define you and control you; and in this sense, it is stronger than you are, and you expose your inability to either “fight” it off or assert your own worldview or self-esteem in the presence of counterveiling opinions.
It is natural to feel an instinctive gut reaction of revile or disgust when exposed to certain experiences. But to let this instinctive reaction, which is just a recognition that the experience is in conflict with your held worldview or beliefs, go on to define you is a sign of personal fault and lack of integrity, strength, conviction, and emotional maturity. There is no reason to feel offended by the actions or words of other people. Just walk away, or ignore it; it does not impact your life. Or if you are very passionate about the fact that you disagree with what another person is doing, talk to them about it, “fight” against it in a rational and effective manner, and express your belief on the subject. But to feel personally offended, hurt or angry just because another person is different than you are is completely childish.