Harm and Rejection

When a person experiences repeated harm and rejection by a persons significant others it overwhelms the arousal of fear and anxiety. This can lead to a sense of self that is defective, helpless, deficient and/or unlovable. This person can then develop a low self esteem, strong feelings of shame, strong feelings of guilt, poor body image, and/or poor sense of differentiation from others.

Any thoughts or feelings or experiences?

Best to remove oneself from such situations… and that is all.

What if the person is a child?

That can happen or rather happens to all of us during some point in the life. That is inevitable and has to dealt with.

[b]During that moment, one has to remember or remineded by the others that neither two persons in this world can be same nor they can have the same set of circumstances. We all have some good and bad qualities and different circumstances too. The difference is in the ratio of the mix only.

Thus, sucess or failure is not important. The only important thing is to keep the spirit of the making effort alive. That is actual benchmark of the success, not the achievement per se.

One can only achieve what is he capable of and what are his circumstances. He cannot go beyond that and that cannot considered as his fault either. Thus, he should not be worried and feel low for that. If the effort is honest from his end, that is enought. He should leave the result to the circumstances. The only important thing is the intention, not the result[/b].

with love,

What if such a person was someone you interacted with and not yourself. How would you interact with such a person who has experienced ongoing and persistent harm and rejection?

Humans do more harming than healing, but is it good to constantly lash out at others because you are suffering? Does there always have to be a sadist and a masochist?

Standing up for ones-self is seen as aggressive in the aggressors eyes, but the aggressors’ actions aren’t seen as aggressive in their own eyes.

Sorry, Mags. Not sure where your comment is coming from.

The 2nd statement applies to me, the 1st does not!

I’m a healer not a harmer.

I’m aggressive not an aggressor.

Human emotion and the way people treat each other isn’t that great is it? Human evolution isn’t happening as fast as our technological ones, but I wish it would.

How would you help heal someone else who has experienced ongoing harm and rejection (trauma)? What if that person was a child, how would you help heal the child?

I already answered that-

Rest is all the same either it is about oneself or anyone else.

Secondly, if you cannot shorten a line by rubbing it, you have to draw a new bigger line along it to appear the previous one shorter.

Show or remind such person the lives that some people which they live in the isolated parts of Africa and how they survive in the hostile and difficult circumstances. Ask him to compare his life with those.

If he is a child and cannot understand these things, try to explain the same through youself. Means, tell him that how you struggled in your life, how you gain some and lost some yet you are still trying to be better. Tell him that there are some childern in this very world who do have clothes to wear, not enough to eat and no roof to live under. Tell him that he is still luckier and better than the majority and have more chances to succeed in the life.

with love,

What if you were with the children in the isolated parts of Africa? How can my struggles even compare to that these children. Some children, even within our society, have experienced the worst of the worst. It is these children that everyone uses as an example to feel gratitude. But… what do these children use? It is not true that there is always someone worse off… eventually we get to the bottom of the list. This may be hard for us to relate to as we are far from this bottom.

It bothers me that in the richest country in the world one in five children go to bed hungry. If that’s not an indication of rejection, I don’t know what is.

I think children are much stronger than people give them credit for. For every abused child that grows up to be “messed up” how many more grow up to be okay? I think the inner child myth was created to absolve people for taking responsibility for their (own) life, which also involves taking responsibility/charge of things they were initially not responsible for.


The bottom line is that you have to give a hope to the dejected person, in one way or other. That depends on the mental state of the affected person. You have to convery hope in such a way which should seem honest and realstic to him, so that he can understand and relate himself with that. There may be differnt ways for that and also may differ in each case according to the gravity and curcumstances of the dejected person.

It is only hope that can revive a dejeted person. Some can do that on their own while some need help from others.

with love,

I am aware of what you were suggesting but I am suggesting that hope relies on having someone worse off than you. This is a difficult thing to imagine as most of us do not associate with those within society who are at the bottom. For example: how would you give hope to a 12 year old girl who has been repeatedly raped, and is still being raped, by children of a similar age and by adults. When this same child has also developed a hard drug dependence and is in a relationship with a fellow violent drug user. The couple is homeless and she does not attend school. For money, she often offers her services to men for next to nothing.

How would you give hope to such a girl? What out of your or my life could we offer her as a hook to draw her in?

JR Wells,

That person would need to be affirmed by you and would need to feel your acceptance. He/she would need to be shown their strengths instead of their weaknesses so that they could focus on them (their strengths). Showing them their weaknesses would give them a victim mentality. Showing them their strengths which they might not be focused on would help them to plow through or to transcend. It’s always a process.

Above all, be present to them - that alone shows them affirmation of their own being, their own self.

Often, but not always, such persons and children have maladaptive personalities. How would you do what you suggested when presented with a child who has such maladaptive behaviours and does not present to you as a child that listens or cares about what you have got to say and knows how to find and push all your buttons. Such children often do this as a preemptive strike as adults (for them) do not stick around for long and when they do they harm and abuse.

My question would be: Why hasn’t she been taken out of that environment? Oh, I forget - because we value things, and buildings being constructed and statues more so than we do human beings and children.

There are many children in abusive situations and we do nothing about this. Economic realism is that these children are a financial drain on society. Fiscal responsibility is all the rage at the moment. But that is just blaming others and gives us permission to do nothing.

How would we deal with these children?

I have no idea except to say both gently but firmly. I’m not a psychiatrist. The girl you mentioned would take a lot of loving patience, energy, compassion, understanding, empathy, a balance of attachment and detachment at the same time, humility of self, and as usual, teach her her strengths. And never to react, just to respond. And never to attack.
It would be I think such a difficult process for that young girl and whoever was to care for her.