You have, I think, encapsulated the process that is required. Let us now imagine the child did not receive this sort of care and grew up into an adult. What sort of adult would she become and how would we respond to this adult? Would we respond in the same way?
My first idea for a response was the old truism–hurt people hurt people. On second thought I have known those who have risen above their former lives as victims and have become a testament that healing is possible, even healing from childhood harm and abuse.
I know that this is a scenario but sadly this child might not grow into adulthood. She might die of an overdose, be killed by a john or her pimp - or she might land up in prison…unless she became one of the lucky starfishes on the beach.
She wouldn’t actually BE an adult. Her spiritual and emotional growth would have been stunted. I’m not sure but she might become more hardened and less vulnerable (which is not such a great thing). Her trusting instincts would probably be nihil to the point of or between being overly neurotic and paranoid.
I would probably for the most part respond in the same as I would have with the child but there would have been years to build up such a resistance. It would take a really patient, loving, aware, understanding person to chip away at the structure she had built within and without and to melt the facade - both a way of self-protection.
Ironically, I also observe this in people who had TOO MUCH love and affection as children. They have never developed a sense of independence and individuality because they never tasted a sense of “kind rejection” that could enable them to find their own way, to be themselves as individuals.
These people never weaned from their parents because they were loved too much (this sometimes is the case of single children or miracle children). They often grow up needy and clingy, expecting others to take care of all their needs.
They never learned how to handle rejection and how to be alone, and as result they often experience the same self-esteem issues and (separation) anxieties when relating to other people.
Too much parental love, too, can emotionally maim a person and retard his development as individual.
Truer words were never spoken, Pandora. I kind of think that this form directed from the parent to the child - TOO MUCH love and affection as child - can also be based on fear, low-self esteem and a need to prove something to self…that one can be perfect in one’s role. It can also be over-compensating for one’s own lack in childhood without regard to balancing and awareness of what children really need and want.
In such a case, who do the parents love?
So you are saying that psychological/physical trauma does not affect/effect the development of the childhood brain. Seems to ignore the vast amount of evidence within child development and brain development. I do not think anyone doubts the strength of humans in general, but there is a difference between adaptive and maladaptive behaviours that develop as a result of trauma. It appears that you are saying that the role of parents, teachers, educations, friends, employers, society, media, politics has absolutely no impact on a persons life whatsoever. When a person is grown up (whatever that means) they have complete autonomy and freedom and have the capacity to make decisions in life that are in no way whatsoever connected to past experiences.
A myth… ?
I think, if this forum were real life… I could take you on a journey and change your view in a few hours.
… But it is not real life, and so I cannot change your view even if I wanted to.
I think you have a lot of insights into this issue Arc.
Sorry Ierrellus, I missed your replies.
I think people do and can heal from childhood trauma but in many case the trauma is beyond healing.
The psychological mind is similar to the physical body… healing occurs but when the trauma is too great healing can not occur.
We are neither invincible in in body or in mind… everything has its limits.
What do we think a child would experience if it were taken to its psychological limits on a daily basis?
Yes, many children go to bed hungry and leave home in the morning without having breakfast… in the richest country in the world.
If a child were taken to his/her psychological limits on a daily basis, the child would either develop a hard disposition or would cower in a sense of worthlessness. It would take a special kind of caring to earn the trust of the victim, to break though the self-image the child uses as defense.
A month or so ago I witnessed a child go into shut-down mode in response to an extremely small insult from another child. This insult acted as a trigger. The child was then non-responsive for half an hour and could not hear, see, smell or feel anything. Within this half hour window anyone could have done anything to that child and that child would not have been aware of the events. This child has experienced severe domestic violence and sexual abuse. Due to this coping mechanism this child cannot count past ten and can barely recite the alphabet (long term memory is virtually non-existent).
Would such a child develop subconscious psychological strategies to promote the development of long term memory? Our long term memory is a thing we often take for granted.
The criteria of “harm and rejection” and “physical and psychological trauma” can be subjective. Yes, child abuse that really harms the child exists, but you have to define exactly what it is. Otherwise “harm” could be anything, and that a slippery slope. Is spanking child abuse? If a parent is temporarily unable to provide food for their child, is he/she being negligent? Is the child rejected and harmed?
Children’s individual response to same to “negative stimuli”, individual psychology (as well as current societal norms) plays a role in this too. One child may have a very delicate or sensitive psychology and be affected more than another child with a more hardy and resilient personality. You can easily observe such differences in daycare. One child may react by sitting in a corner and crying their eyes out upon finding out that their parent cannot make it. He is one of the inconsolable ones and will cry himself to sleep. Another child in this situation may, on the other hand choose to preoccupy himself by playing outside or with others and not be much affected by this. Same event, one being left “traumatized” or “harmed” and the other not. Cultural norms and expectations to child rearing play a big role as well in defining what is “harm and rejection” or even child abuse is on the part of the parent or caretaker. I know people who grew up with alcoholic parents and grew up being just fine and now have a stable and well-functioning families of their own. Have they been harmed?
The responsibility for their life when they become adults is solely theirs, not their teachers or whoever. The teaches do not live their lives.
In real life, human interactions are too complex to say with confidence who is harmed and who isn’t, because the harm standards are not the same everywhere and are not perceived and affected by the same by all individuals. For example, child sex tourism is quite popular in Thailand, where often, it is the relatives who will peddle or display them to potential customers. The general attitude around is anywhere from “it’s no big deal” to “it may not be okay, but…it’s ok”. The reasons are economic and everybody understands that. Do those children grow up dysfunctional and traumatized for life? With so much poverty around them and everybody’s hustling and trying to desperately earn some, any money, by whatever means, most likely they will grow up thinking they did the right thing, in a sense that they did what had to be done, a personal sacrifice for the sake of the family. There is no victim or guilt consciousness when you’re living with extremely limited options. (They don’t have the same choices we do). It happens within different set of standards where morality or personal self dignity are very low on the priority list. It is about (economic) survival and within these parameters, you cannot judge what is “harm” and how what happens in people’s lives will affect them down their lives by 1st World Western standards.
Pandora, I will requote the O.P.
The key to abuse in this context is “repeated harm and rejection” by a persons “significant” others.
In real life it is very easy to see who is harmed. You simply talk to people (rather than speculate) and you will find out. This gives a 100% degree of confidence.
But you did not specify what actions and in what contexts constitute “harm” and “rejection”. Your statement is too vague. If you had said, for example, that a child who is beaten by his parent until he’s bruised in daily basis will grow to experience a sense of self that is defective, helpless, deficient and/or unlovable, then it would make more sense.
Are emos harmed? They will tell you they are. In what way and through what actions are they harmed?
The statement in the OP is not vague, but very direct. Repeated harm and rejection by significant others is a specific statement that combines three factors: 1. Harm 2. Rejection 3. Significant persons. Other people understood the statement and so how is it vague?
When a person talks to people and with people it is wise to practice effective communication. Effective communication means considering the contexts of the discussion, body language, historical circumstances, spoken words, tone, emotional undertones, intellectual dispositions of both parties, intellectual/emotional bias in all parties, etc. Effective communication with someone does not mean you listen to what a emo says and believe them. It means you listen in a holistic manner and then the evidence presents itself. Like I said, if this were real life I could take you on a journey and you would change your mind. But it is not real life.
Then why did you bring it up here? 
You asked for people’s “thoughts, feelings and experiences”.
I wouldn’t agree to that.
If I had cancer, and saw someone with worse cancer - or further progressed cancer, I would not find hope in it.
If however, I saw someone who had a worse form of cancer overcome it, then I could feel hopeful.
‘If they managed it, I might be able to…’
I always found the scenario of someone being in a worse environment invalidating to one’s own condition.
‘You have no right to feel bad, to want different, to dwell on your position - Others can only dream of what you already have…’
Just as we don’t take the positive for granted, we ought not be expected to take the negative for granted.
Greater forms of abuse/neglect doesn’t justify acceptance of lesser forms.
Seems more like the parents didn’t express their love in an empowering to their children.
‘I love you so much I’m going to put you in a bubble until you’re of adult age, then throw you out into the wind.’
A parent who hated their child could put them in a bubble and the results would be similar. Problem is the bubble, not the love.
I think it’s a demonstration of greater [or at least wiser] love, to do what is necessary for the child to flourish - even if it means overcoming one’s own fears / inhibitions.
I apologize, didn’t want this to go down the path of “is spanking a child abuse?” and “what is good parenting?” or etc.
You appear as though you wanted to go down this path (which I am happy to discuss in another thread).
The OP is specific in that it describes ongoing/repeated “harm and rejection” by a person the child depends upon (significant other).
Would you feel hope if someone with far less worse cancer… managed it?
What if you were diagnosed with the worst and most aggressive cancer in the world… no one in the world had experienced such a cancer prior to you. Would you feel hope?
Edit: I am not stating that this is a view to hold… just questioning the view.
Short answer: I could, but I can’t say for certain if I would. (I’m fortunate enough to have never been tested in that regard.)
I could find hope in many things.
It would be healthy to be able to find hope within oneself, not needing to look beyond, but having outward sources regardless.
Realistically, I wouldn’t have much hope for my survival. There’s incurable cancers, and if mine’s worse, then it’s really a given. My hope would be in making time for good parting, and also for a death with minimal suffering (given the conditions).