I have a wealth of jokes but most of them would probably offend just about everyone who visits this site, if not get me a total ban and a stroppy email from ben 
Here’s an INCREDIBLY IMMATURE CONTRIBUTION:
Q. What did the sanitary towel say to the fart?
A. You’re the wind beneath my wings
… hahahhahaha
That comment about stroppy e-mail’s is slanderous and simply not true! All my e-mails to nicola are strictly seductive and alluring.
Q:What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Dung.
Q:What’s orange and purple and lives at the bottom of the swimming pool?
A: A baby with burst arm-bands.
Q:What does Michael Jackon like after his evening meal?
A: Under eights.
And other, terribly half-hearted and unfunny jokes…
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it’s face and the egg is frowning and looking a tad put out. The egg mutters to no-one in particular “I guess we answered THAT question.”
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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
america’s foreign policies
and domestic aswell come to think of it
I got a stupid joke my teacher told us in religion class… it’s pretty old too… oh well, here it is:
'Descartes walks into a Denny’s and sits down. He picks up a menu and starts to think about what he wants.
Not too soon after a waitress comes over him him and asks: “Are you ready to order yet, sir?”
Descartes replies, “I don’t think I am.” And suddenly Descartes disapeared.
I heard this one from one of my philosophy teachers at university…
"You go to class late and find that everyone, including your friends have their heads bent over a pop quiz that was given to the class. You ask the teacher what the question was and he points to a table with a chair on it, he says that you must write a two page answer giving your best argument for why the chair doesn’t exist. You sit down, wrote for five seconds, get up and hand in the test. The teacher asks you if you are sure, you respond ‘yes’. Your friends meet you in the cafe afterwards and ask you if you blanked out? You say no. They ask what it is that you wrote as your response, you conceal the answer. A week later you all get your tests back and all your friends are looking at you to see what reaction you have to seeing your mark. There isn’t a trace of emotion, so all your friends can’t take it anymore, confront you and demand to know what you wrote. You say you wrote the following on the test: ‘What chair?’ "
What’s your take?
A funny joke I found on the net.
SEX IS A TEMPTATION
CAUSED BY A SENSATION
WHEN A MAN PUTS HIS DICTATION
IN A WOMANS VENTILATION
DO YOU GET MY CONVERSATION?
OR DO YOU NEED A DEMONSTRATION?
What’s your take?
Another funny joke…
Some Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class
After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream
“MY PACEMAKER!”
Announce “you’ll need this”, and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student’s name, rank, and serial number
Announce that last year’s students have almost finished their class projects
Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about “that bug I picked up in the field”.
Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, “Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN’T HEEEEEEAR YOU!”
What’s your take?
Magius,
lol, i like the frist one you wrote…
and this… "2. Announce “you’ll need this”, and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board. "
heh heh …
I was going to post this in the politics forum, but…well…here it is:
JOKE
SON: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you
a question?
DAD: Sure Son, What’s the question?
SON: What’s POLITICS?
DAD: Well Son, let’s take our home as an example: I make all the final decisions on important matters so let’s call me “MANAGEMENT”. Your mother spends most of the money, so let her be the “GOVERNMENT”. We take care of you and your needs, so let’s
call you the “PEOPLE”. We shall call our maid Clara, the “WORKERS”. And we call your Baby Brother, the “FUTURE” Do you understand what POLITICS means now?
SON: I’m really not sure Dad? I’ll have to think about it.
That night awakened by his baby brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent’s room and found his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to disturb his mother, he then went to the maid’s room. He peeked through the keyhole, and saw his father in the bed with the maid. The boy’s knocking went unheard by his father and the maid. So he finally returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning at breakfast table…
SON: Dad, I now think I understand POLITICS!!!
DAD: That’s great son! Now, please explain to me in your OWN WORDS?
SON: Well Dad! While the MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKERS, the GOVERNMENT is sound asleep. The PEOPLE are being ignored and the FUTURE is full of shit.
What’s your take?
as ripe and true as it has ever been magius!
Q: What do you get when you cross a bungee cord and an owl?
A: My Ass!
There was a blond and brunette, and a redhead and there all on deathrow going to the firing squad, so the redhead says they need to devise a plan to trick the shooters out of it. So first the red head goes …“Ready, Aim” The Redhead yells “tornado!” and the firing squad turns confused and she escapes… Then the Brunette goes “Ready, Aim” She yells “Hurricane!” and once again they turn off confused and she escapes. Then the blond says she’s got a really good one so she steps up “Ready, Aim” and she yells “Fire!”
Q: Why did the blond jump off the bridge?
A: She thought her tampon had wings
2 eggs in a pan … one turns to the other and goes “its fucking boiling in ere” the other turns back and goes “shit a talkin egg”
how do ya make a sausage roll
push it down a hill
A man was driving along the road when he sees a nun walking alone. Out
of his good nature he picks the nun up and offers her a lift.
While driving along the man asked the nun how hard it was to avoid
sexual activity. She responded by telling him that she actually was
quite often involved sexually with other Catholics. The man, seeing
his chance to get some, responded by telling her he was a Catholic and
had often dreamt of getting sucked off by a holy women.
The nun seemed excited by this and told him to pullover where she
proceeded to give him the best blowjob he’d ever had.
Once done, they continued driving when the man started feeling guilty
and told the nun that he wasn’t, actually, a Catholic, but a baptist.
“That’s okay, I lied too. My name’s Frank and I’m on my way to a fancy
dress party.”
Having had a really bad day in the courts, the old judge decided to
pop into the pub on his way home for couple of drinks to help him
relax. The first couple of pints went down really well so he decides
to have a few more until he got to the familiar state of not being too
coherent.
Upon leaving the pub and hitting the fresh air, the judge feels
decidedly dodgy and throws up all down himself! Worried about how he
would explain to his wife, the judge decided to tell her a little
white lie.
“This tramp just came out of nowhere and vomited all over me!” he said
when he returned home.
“Never mind,” she said and proceeded to undress him and deal with the
vomit.
The next day at work he was thinking about the evening before and
decided to elaborate on the story upon arriving home.
“Darling, you remember that dirty tramp who vomited on me last night?
Well, he was in court today charged with shop lifting so I sent him
down for 6 months!”
“That was unfortunate. You ought to have sent him down for at least a
year. Not only did he puke on you, but he shat in your pants as well.”
there not that great but the nun one gets a good laf down the pub.
Doctor: What happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in vegas. You have herpes.
This guy owns a horse farm and gets a call from a friend. “I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I’m sending him over.”
The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse.
“A female horth,” the midget replies.
So the owner shows him one. “Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf?”
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s teeth.
“Nith mouf, can I see her eyeth?”
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes.
“OK, what about the earsth?” Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.
“OK, finally, I would like to see her twat.” With that the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s twat, and then pulls him out.
Shaking his wet head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run.
Billy was a shy lad at the tender age of 10 when his father took him to the circus for the first time. As a child, little Billy was really looking forward to this even of quality time with his father.
As the show goes on its just as amazing as Billy dreamed. The trapeze artists, the human cannonball, trained bears and lions. Every ring seemed to have something grander than the last.
That was, until, the clowns arrived. There were eight of them in all. Each with rainbow hair, giant shoes, and big red noses. They all piled out of an undersized VW and ran about the stage. Each one had their own trick of skill. One clown juggled rubber chickens with another, and two more clowns were balancing on top of massive beach balls. The clown performers would spray seltzer at each other and hit each other with pies. It all started off well enough, but then came the doom.
One clown picked up a microphone and said that there was a prize for whoever had a red slip of paper underneath their chairs. Billy found the red ticket and waved it proudly over his head. “I’ve got it here!” He yelled out.
The other clowns are rushing around asking about a horse. The main clown shouts to Billy “If that’s the horse’s ass, then where’s the other end?”
The whole crowd bursts out lauging. Even little Billy’s father laughs at him, right in his face. Billy was crushed that day, and some say that was the day his heart became crusted over with sarcastic darkness. In that moment he vowed he would get revenge on that clown.
He figured the best way to get back at the clown was to beat him at his own game. He would find the greatest come-back in the world and use it on that clown. To this end he devoted his entire life. In school he took up performing arts, he went to the toughest open-mic comedy clubs just to learn to deal with heckalers, all through middle and high school.
In college Billy studied clowns, and created a major that taught him the best come backs. Once he graduated with a bachelor’s degree he assumed teaching at his university and taught a class on come-backs. He wrote a book that hit the New York best seller list for non-fiction called “The World’s Greatest Comeback.” He attended book signings, parties, wrote three follow up books on comebacks, but he knew his life was still incomplete.
To solidify his title as comeback master Billy studied under the greatest minds in sarcasm known to the world. From the theater groups of New York to the fabled Temple of the Uknown Witicisms in the Appalachan mountains. Each time he found a master he out-witted them and always had a better comeback. He knew then it was time. He would humiliate that clown for what he had done.
It was circus that year and Billy knew that clown was still performing, even twenty years later. The clown was going by the name Bobo. Billy sat in the same chair that he had at 10 years old. He knew the red ticket was underneath his chair. He knew what would happen and he was ready. Oh yes, he was ready.
The circus began with the same pomp as always. The elephants did tricks, people got shot out of a cannon, but Billy paid no heed. He was focused, his mind sharp, and ready. During the louder parts of the performance he practiced some vocal exercises to make sure he would be heard throughout the big top.
Then the time came and the clowns tumbled on stage. Bobo was there, leading his sick rag-tag group of insult clowns. Billy could feel the rage building up inside him. He wanted to shout now, to start the insults. But he knew he had to wait. Wait until the right moment.
Then it happened Bobo grabbed a microphone from the Ringmaster and asked if anyone had a red ticket. Billy stands up and hold the ticket high. Bobo says those immortal words, those words that had been burned into Billy’s head for twenty long years. Bobo says “If that’s the horse’s ass, then where’s the other end?”
To which Billy responds…
[size=200]“F*CK YOU CLOWN!”[/size]
Radical Jokes from Bertell Ollman:
“We don’t have any coal”, he says.
“But why is there no coal?”, she wants to know.
“Because I lost my job”, he replies.
Still unsatisfied, she asks one more time—“And why did you lose your job?”
To which he answers, “Because there is too much coal”.
Employee: “Thanks, Dad”.
Answer: None, since we don’t need capitalists to screw in light bulbs or any thing else that really needs doing in our society.
“Citywide layoffs”, replies the principal.
“My text books?” asks the student.
“State austerity plan”, says the principal.
“Student loan?” continues the student.
“Federal budget cuts”, says the principal.
Finally, exasperated, student asks, “But how am I going to get an education?”.
To which the equally exasperated principal replies, “This is your education”.
Friend asks, “What did you tell that man just now?”
“I told him to work faster”, answers the capitalist.
“How much do you pay him?” asks the friend.
“Fifteen dollars a day” answers the capitalist.
“Where do you get the money to pay him?” asks the friend.
“I sell products”, answers the capitalist.
“Who makes the products?” asks the friend.
“He does”, answers the capitalist.
“How many products does he make in a day?” asks the friend.
“Fifty dollars worth”, answers the capitalist.
“Then”, concludes the friend, “Instead of you paying him, he pays you thirty-five dollars a day to tell him to work faster”.
“Huh”, and the capitalist quickly adds, “Well, I own the machines”.
“How did you get the machines?” asks the friend.
“I sold products and bought them”, answers the capitalist.
“And who made those products?” asks friend.
To which the capitalist can only respond—to his friend, but also to the media and to the schools—“Shut up! He might hear you”.
“And how did you come to own it?” asks one of the workers.
“It was left to me by my father”, says the boss.
“How did he get it?” asks the worker.
“He got it from his father”, says the boss.
“And he?” asks the worker.
“From his father”, says the boss.
“And he?” persists the worker.
“He fought for it”, says the capitalist in a burst of familial pride.
“Well”, say the workers, all together this time, “We’ll fight you for it”.
Four friends have been doing really well in their calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it’s time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend’s birthday party in another city - even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning. As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over.
They go to the professor’s office and offer him an explanation: “We went to our friend’s birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we got help.”
The professor nods sympathetically and says: “I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning.”
When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing.
The first question - five points out of one hundred - is a simple exercise in integration, and all four finish it within ten minutes.
When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one:
Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?
When Lenin dies, god decides to put him in hell because he was an atheist. When Lenin is in hell, he starts yelling around “It is not fair! They are having fun in heaven when we are burning, rotting in here! This won’t do!†and people in hell start an uprising. Angels quickly fly to God’s chambers and report him about the situation. God says:
-Alright, put him in heaven.
Angels bring Lenin to heaven, but of course he doesn’t rest. He starts yelling around “It is not fair! Our comrades are burning in Hell while we are in comfort. This won’t do!†and people in heaven start an uprising. Angles fly to god again and report him the situation. God says:
-Bring this man here, and leave us alone.
Angels follow god’s orders, Lenin enters god’s chambers. One hour passes, two hours pass, three hours pass, finally Lenin comes out with a content smile in his face. Then god comes outside. Angels ask him:
-O lord! O god! What happened?
God replies:
-Ss… There is no god, we are all equal.