Just Watched Several Hundred Men Shot in Mass Grave

Social Forums Non-Philosophical Chat
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Life is incredibly cruel, and this cruelty robs us of our very best potential, to grow as humans, and just be.

And here I am. Just sitting, trying to solve one axis of problems, turning a unsolvable, infinite spectrum finite and manageable in a perennial chaos we call war… a word that doesn’t quite match the description of what goes on… and thus video drags me hopelessly down another axis of it, rage and wonder, and a sense of shame at not knowing how to deal with it, and a feeling of surprise, at not being surprised anymore. More of a pressing self hatred, a grudge against myself.

The skin on my hands are ripped up today from working. Been going longer and longer, trying to get full time… maneuvering at work, stupid politics. So I can fund this stupid ultraviolet camera. My damn impulses are scattered. I know its a top priority. I don’t think much of myself anymore, just this camera. It could detect a bomb, a drug lab… some kinds of death and destruction… but I fail to offer anything for this… keep fiddling my fingers over the rips in my fingers. Those guys being killed in the videos were just teenage boys when I was in Iraq. How many dozens upon dozens of generations of them had died like that, or did the killings themselves?

I keep thinking selfishly of buying a house here with the money, and getting a wife. I haven’t the slightest clue what I would do with such a life. Don’t think I could do it. Feel too deeply conflicted. Hard problems… they require the rigor of hard determined thought. I’m feeling increasingly weak in body and mind staying still. I really just want to pick up my pack, and head out again. Go far away. To where the problems are at. The very tormented heart of it, the maelstrom of it.

This is it here, but different. Everyone is expecting my sister to die. Heroine. I didn’t see it coming. My brother is supposedly recovering. Alot of families here. Gangs from Chicago heavily saturated here. Have to plan longterm. Align everything just right for a asymmetric collapse… and sharp contraction out of here. I’m also feeling I should be everywhere else. I’m feeling I’m also betraying my underlining philosophy of Cynicism. I’m… not recognizing it anymore. I was pindering seeking out DARPA grants earlier today to speed things up. I was also just thinking of turning my back, take a girlfriend and not look back.

That would be twice the tragedy. I can’t solve, at least yet, the boys dying in mass graves, in Iraq or anywhere… bad philosopher, perhaps it will occur to me someday… but they die today from my stupidity and ignorance. But I have something here… that could fix serious issues, and I keep getting greedy, or lonely, or hypocritical, or nostalgic of old methods and comforts.

I can shut these emotions down in degree by compartamentalizing them, work around them… but those boys dying, I want it to sting and confuse me. For a while at least, a long while as I float here in economic limbo.

A whole lotta silence just passed. The… I don’t know. Don’t know, and in my philosophy, that is the worst of cardinal sins.

Alot of dead boys.

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Hon, go find a good doctor to treat you for PTSD. You also sound like you suffer from survivor’s guilt. Pretty serious stuff. You have to be strong enough to get help, it is not easy for some to do that. My family and friends have pointed that out to me many times, it hurts them that I do not reach out when I so obviously should.
Please, please think about it.

3

Not feeling better after sleeping on it.

The sky looked all weird this morning, haven’t seen it do this at this latitude. I live at the same latitude as the heel in the boot of Italy… the sky was this purple, maritime thin haze with grey fog floating up top. Just didn’t belong here. Every latitude has it’s own kind of sky.

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If survivors guilt is the cost on a few, on focusing the mind on the philosophy of keeping others alive, then it is well worth it. Just some nights, you head out to walk too far… hard to tell the differences between the angels and the demons in the dark. Made alot of mistakes with alot of people I only learned to solve later… after too much time had passed. I can’t go back. Here I am… always here.

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Hate and violence. Two things humanity excels at.

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How about you go find a abandoned 10 story building, weld the doors and windows shut for me Joker, and then liberally sprinkle medieval weapons all over it, and put me and then all these damn Nietzscheans in it, and just let nature work its way out. I need to get rid of all this built up stress and emotion somehow, think a pleasant workout is called for.

Someplace in Detroit, let some hungry stray dogs in too.

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CN,

I would like to remind you my advise of taking writing seriously.
You have all ingredients of a good fiction writer like riding on emotions, writing in poetic prose and good vocabulory too. Writing flows out naturally from you without an effort.
Think about it again and at least try it once and show to any magazine editor.

Realize in what you can excel and also in what you cannot.

with love,
sanjay

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Sanjay, I have done fictional pamphlets modeled off Voltaire and Montaigne, the joke epic Smears and Blurry are Getting Married takes a particular ancient form used in Greece and Rome by authors like Petronius and Varro… just… it’s boring as fuck always being The Marquis of Bastardville… my favorite pin name.

I had an ex girlfriend who was a assistant editor in a poetry magazine… used to fuck her in that office over piles of submitted works on her desk at night. I’m not too impressed with the literary insights of magazine publishers, they let their best submissions go for sad pathetic stuff.

Also know a local poetry publisher. Bored to death with it. I’m bored to death with this fucking study with the professor… she is taking forever with getting the ADHD lesion studies I requested… I’m fucking bored with everything. I want to travel, but every place I travel to, if fucking boring.

I.even tried to sell myself to the highest third world bidder as a mail order groom… my only stipulation was they couldn’t use me to move to America and get a green card… next to nothing, not interested in moving to Finland… even more boring than here.

This job is so fucking retarded. If I wasn’t expected to go full time, and have to act super motivated, I’d take my two weeks of vacation and just kayak the length of the ohio river… or hike from Pittsbugh to Tennessee… they built a replica of the Parthenon there. If I just rent a car and drive there, I will get bored. Gotta make it hard as fuck with some serious mountains and mileage, the anticipation and sense of completion, every brutal bloody step of the way, thoughts just going… waking up with stray cats snuggling next to you.

Plus… I know how to physically make perfect and hard copy books, own most of the equipment here, including a industrial paper cutter.

Maybe I should agree to Finland, she had very nice blue eyes. I can just pull a ducking Ahkio everywhere and chop firewood and ride a reindeer around.

Oh my fucking god the whole world is boring.

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Who is this “smears” character?

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CN,

See the colored world and realize how right i was about you.

This excessive air element in your nature is the real problem and it would not let you settle. You have to crontol it otherwise you would never be able to stick to the things long enough. The opposite element of the Air is the Earth. To neutralize your execcise Air element, you have to be close to Earth and its belongings as much as possible.

Like, living in planes instead of hilly areas, sleeping on the floor instead of the bed, living at the ground floor instead of the highest one, preffering those things in eating that grow beneath or just on the ground like carrot, cabbage etc instead of olive and coconut, prefer wearing clothes of yellow color and do not ever wear white, prefer sweet things and avoid sour.

And, if you have no issue with meditation, spend just 15 min daily on focussing on First Chakra (Root Chakra), which is located at the lowest end of the spinal cord. It will help to in connecting with the Earth, in other words, stabilize your nature.

And, never go near to thin, tall and extreamy fair girls but find a bit overwieght, short and wheatish/tan/Maxican type for you. Perhaps, you may be able to stick with her and she will bring some stability in your life.

CN, i am not joking but serious. These are small things, which are totally harmless but would help you a lot in the life. But it will take time. Nothing is going to change by tomorrow.

with love,
sanjay

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As long as you keep this asking, he will keep repeating that.

with love,
sanjay

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No, you forgot my supposed Ontological instability in hitting every side of a thing… I have extreme concentration, bordering on fanaticism. That only comes from the SMAs, and it’s highly dependent upon the minds left hippocampus and parietal lobe… a place for everything, and everything in its place. All you pointed to was a confrontational dualism when I switch emphasis of excitability when one aspect gets overworked and shuts down. I can switch more voluntarily now, but it used to just be hitting the exact opposite region of the brain… it’s all there humming in the background. Sometimes memory can be traumatic for me. Or emotional attachments when it interfere with automatically structured priorities, etc. Indian philosophers have explored alot of this stuff over the generations just as in the west. Parts of my mind I don’t have solid access to and can’t control that we’ll, due to lingering issues with speech related Apraxia and certain impulse control issues in the larger thalamus. Other smaller aspects in other regions, but that is it. I but alot of superficial and attention to things. Think of Neo in the Matrix movies shaking in his chairs. You have to have alot of stability, variability, and when attrition hits, exchangeability… but it’s still very stable and there when it recovers. I have alot on my plate.

13

I don’t fight fair. I’ll shoot a person in the back unarmed or from 200 meters away by sniping with them being completely unaware.

Poor Contra, you just don’t understand that your so called noble beliefs of a fair fight are not shared by everybody.

I fight to win. If I have to cheat, steal, or play dirty to do that I will.

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Someone refused you entry at that gas station back when you were hoboing Joker?

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Well, you know how rude gas attendants can be these days.

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Well, if you think locking me up in a building full of all the nietzscheans randomly armed with archaic weapons is too fair, you can give them walkie talkies to give them a communication advantage.

18

Sounds like a controlled idealized environment to me.

Random war and violence isn’t anything like that.

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How many buildings in a warzone have you been in? Wind blows through, shutting a door behind you, you jump and shit yourself.

20

Military hired mercenaries are a bunch of pussies.

Without that government endorsement and ability to print unlimited amounts of money to purchase weapons you would be nothing at all.

Please remember that it was Vietnamese peasants with AK’s that kicked the United States ass.

Now it is goat herders in Afghanistan.

Spare me the government organized military bravado bullshit please.