i think that some of the comments may give you some perspective…the problem comes with the nasty way they were presented…
Player!
lol I am sure the brain has some way to act in the singular.
It wouldn’t work unless she liked you anyways.
[size=85]Morals people![/size]
…give in to your lustful desires you mean? tut tut Quetz - it must be hard (pardon the pun) being in that situation, and a true testament to anyone’s willpower 
Have you never been celibate Quetz?
I have yes, but when not I am a tad insatiable. I take your point though, I still think its strange, but I have never been one to go by authority especially if I were in love.
…and he could still leave his girlfriend, and be single for a while!
Love is absurd. Don’t even try to rationalize it. You can’t.
Nobody can.
yes joker…
Its not absurd its just plain stupid.
We are waiting because he’s been around the bend already as far as sleeping with women early in sobriety is concerned. Everyone in AA wants to hook up with each other when they first get there because we’re all sober for the first time, talking about our deepest feelings. It’s natural. It’s life! But you’re supposed to wait a year, no major changes in your life during the first year of sobriety if you want quality recovery. So … I have to ‘pay’ for all the mistakes he’s made in the past and wait because he just wants to follow the rules this time. He has a little girl too, I don’t think he has time to mess around. It’s way better this way but it hurts because I feel like he doesn’t realize how true my love is … 
But I know he does, it’s just … it’s a win win situation if we wait. Also, he’s 33 and I’m 23 so if he just started randomly dating me it would look like he was trying to get a piece. We just met two months ago. He has five years of sobriety and I have about a month. It looks really, really bad if we start dating out of the blue openly so this is better… I have time to focus on me and get my life together. I love him! <3
erutxet
You mean love as in lust or control?
You don’t seem to be describing love in its real sense here.
If any of this is even Real - none of this has anything to do with love - and everything to do with what is NOT love - just fixation, obsession, transference and self-gratification. What you need to do is focus on loving yourself in a true way which is about having no relationship (except for platonic ones) and just working your program now. Your most important relationship has to be with yourself for now. And you need to come to realize that everything you’re experiencing is about addiction. …even the pretty, beautiful spiritual messages…and an attempt to delay or postphone getting yourself well and healthy in all ways. You’re going to have to do a lot of dying to self and come to a lot of self-realizations before you come into your own. It might also be a good idea if you go find a different AA meeting. I’ve never been an alcoholic but I am the adult child of one - and always will be.
Love is painful and frustrating when we are NOT really loving but simply looking for that quick fix.
I’m not perfect, nor do I am for spiritual perfection, only spiritual progress. You should try and quote people fully if you are going to quote them at all. I was trying to express my journey in that passage, how I feel this desire to cut people down who don’t see my views because I am still to weak to acknowledge to loveless with caring, loving eyes.
I agree with what you’ve said about taking this time to love myself fully. I’m not sure if you’ve ever experienced true love, but when it hits it’s all-consuming and very hard to wait in. Each minute feels like an hour and so on. Luckily the object of my affection understands this and is forcing us to wait by not engaging with me. It is real, we’ve planned a trip to BC together and he’s spoken about the entire situation to several of our mutual friends. I am fully aware of my fixation, that is what love is. I am loving myself in a true way by acknowledging the wait and accepting it. Acceptance does not mean I have to enjoy what is happening, I just have to accept it. The messages are part of my journey. You can tell me all the advice in the world but I’m going to come to truth in my own way, on my own time. I go to several AA meetings now that are not associated with the one we used to go to and it’s great, it has given me a great sense of autonomy in my life. I have tons of different alcoholic friends to turn to in times of need and my love life isn’t being mingled with my sobriety.
I’m not looking for the quick fix, I would have abandoned this entire thing already if I was.
eru----whatever floats your boat…
But what you’re describing is not love. That still sounds to me like addiction - maybe lust and a really strong attachment - and withdrawal too. Yes, it’s a very human thing and it might feel wonderful. … at times. But you have to come to see what you are experiencing for what it really is. Isn’t honestly a part of AA?
All consuming and very hard to wait in - that doesn’t feel like an addiction to you, erutxet? Romance, passion, lust - all the things you might want to write a story or a poem about - but it still is not emotionally or spiritually (same thing really) healthy for you. All you’ve managed to do is to simply exchange and replace what the alcohol did for you with what this man does for you - or what it appears that he does for you. I’m not trying to insult you nor am I trying to hurt you. And the only reason you are seeing certain people as enemies, if you are, is because you feel that they are doing nothing to make you feel good or better about yourself. Sometimes the closest we can come to what real or true love is is that which appears to want to hurt but in reality is that which allows us to really grow and transcend ego. If it’s all about feeling and need for you, then it’s not love. Ask yourself this question - if he told you that he never wanted to see you again, that he didn’t feel free and happy with you - would you be able to let him go and move on - without any kind of negative reaction, after the initial shock wore off, at some point at least? I know it sounds clicheish, but loving and letting go are part of the same thing and sometimes we have to use the mind within the heart for the greater good. And honestly, I just intuit that you are not going in the right direction (not that there is any kind of particular direction) but you need to love yourself enough to let go of yourself and him.
No, the love part comes when you act or do not act in a certain way that is healthy for you. And you are definitely not fully aware of your fixation - you have not even touched the surface.
No, at least I don’t think you are. You’re still focused on him - not on only making yourself well and whole…which really is a continuing process of a lifetime. The ‘waiting and accepting’ may simply be a part of getting what you want - him - not what is in actuality, the best for you. It’s like your eating crumbs and thinking of it as a feast.
Isn’t self-surrender a part of acceptance? Do you feel like you’ve surrendered all control of anything that might happen?
This is certainly true. It is all a part of a journey. Sometimes though it’s a good thing to listen to people who may see and know about the pitfalls. But anyway, even those pitfalls are a part of the journey and you will learn in your own way.
I’m glad to hear that.
It’s possible that your sobriety, as you call it, is completely intermingled with your love life. You need to also be sure to get with people who are healtier. I am not here saying that reformed or reforming alcoholics are not healthy.
You mean AA and getting well? That may be true but alcohol is already a crutch. And going and falling in love with someone during your journey into sobriety and wholeness can only confuse the issue. You can’t see yet that it’s just another crutch to hang on to. You are just too enmeshed in your relationship with this man when your main focus ought to be your continuing sobriety. But you do need love and support and honest friends around you. But, like you said - it is your journey.
Read up on any philosophical account of love. It is said time and time again it is unhealthy, shameless and generative. I can’t take any of your comments seriously if you honestly do not know this. I am aware that I am focused on him. I am aware he is intermingled with my sobriety. I refuse to deny my true feelings. Love is already here, I can’t extinguish it with my will. Let me get you started:
Love isn’t decent. Love is glorious and shameless. - Elizabeth von Arnim
With love, one can live even without happiness. - Feodor Doestoevski
Each moment of a happy lover’s hour is worth an age of dull and common life - Aphra Behn
We don’t believe in rheumatism and true love unti after the first attack - Marie Ebner bon Eshenbach
There is no instinct like that of the heart - Lord Byron
The worst part of life is waiting. The best part of life is having someone worth waiting for. - Jessica Brumley
When we are in love we often doubt that which we most believe - La Rochefoucauld
If you can’t get someone off your mind, they are probably supposed to be there - unknown
Whatever is done from love always occurs beyond good and evil. - Nietzsche
In the end one loves one’s desire and not what is desired - Nietzsche
I’m now convinced you’ve never known true love!
eru----you are responsible for your behavior…
Well, I don’t know if this was meant for me or not but I will end this discussion here probably.
I think that there is a much greater chance of you having reached what is ‘true’ love when you question and doubt it within yourself. I am not speaking of being ‘in love’. That’s easy and is not necessarily ‘love’. That’s just a blend of the right kind of chemicals in the brain - and churning and churning and churning them. Ah, how good it feels.
There may be 3 or 4 of the above quotes which ring true…at least to me…maybe…the others are hightly romantic.
It might be a good idea for you to really examine each and every one of them and see what you come up with…use your intellect rather than your emotions.
Just one more thing to say here. If I have come across to you as seeming to be or trying to be controlling, I do apologize for that. It is a difficult thing sometimes being careful not to cross that boundary between wanting to be helpful to someone and stepping over that line into controlling them. If i crossed it, which was not my intention…I’m sorry. Aside from that…
I wish you well and I suppose that bottom line here is what turtle said…‘whatever floats your boat’.
Just be sure you have some paddles and/or the correct kind of gear for your journey and adventure.
And remember…‘one day at a time’…sometimes it can only be ‘one hour at a time’. And that holds true for all of us.
Take care.
Of course I doubt my love, that’s why the situation is painful and frustrating. If there was no doubt there would be no worry about being estranged from him.