Need help with a letter - for a girl

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1

Ok this is weird - I don’t know where to post this but it would be really cool if there is someone out there who can maybe advise me or help me with a letter I want to write to a girl.

I’m a 22 year old guy from London, UK and I am totally over for the first time for a girl in Italy who I’ve known for 2 years. Recently we had a massive fallout but whever I go, I see only her face and this is not normal for me.

I have a bit of a reputation of different girl every night kind of thing, but in the last few months it’s all changed and I have met a girl who is so different to anyone else I’ve ever met.

I care for her alot and everything about her, the way she speaks and make me chilled out - it’s crazy and I want to write her a letter to say sorry for something I’ve done and also basically tell her that the person she is, is amazing and unique.

I’ve never done a letter for a girl before - What can I say?

This sounds gay right, ahah

2

It would sound gay if it were a letter to a guy. Firstly, what did you do? Or at least, what does she think you did? Before I even know that, I want to tell you to get any thoughts whatever out of your mind about telling her the truth, or speaking from the heart. That would be wrong.

You could try sending her an expensive gift. Girls like that. I am not saying that you should buy her love, only that you probably will have to. Over and over again. It’s like rent-to-own.

3

No I h ave got her enough gifts - she is the independent thinking type of girl, if i write the good letter, she may just give me a second chance…i think…i hope!

im so into her==i didnt even realise until i lost her!

4

Okay, then be as helpless as possible. Don’t grovel, but exude the feeling of being lost. Don’t come out and say something stupid like “I am lost without you” unless it’s the puncline to an extended exposition of how you are lost. Don’t be pathetic, just vulnerable. Lots of respect for her - she’s the boss. Don’t tell her you’re a lost cause, just that you need her for many important reasons. Dig deep. Intellectual stimulation, sharing (girls like sharing), partner in life. Don’t tell her she’s better than the rest, tell her she’s the only one worth considering. But be clever, so it sounds sincere, not canned. Don’t ever compare any woman with another woman, no matter how favorable a comparison it might be. Doesn’t make sense, I know, but you’re the one who’s willing to give up your dignity for this girl. Live with the insanity of it.

Who’s that English guy who always plays the smartmouthed but vulnerable bachelor? Hugh Grant, that’s it. Watch every movie he ever made before you write. He always wants nothing more than to be saved from his wicked ways. To be saved fom his superficial life. See “About a Boy” first, and then that one with Andy MacDowell. Three Weddings and a Funeral, I think.

5

Haha yes Faust, the things you wrote are exactly how I want to come across.

I don’t want to say all this normal things like you are so great, your the best, your the hottest etc etc - it has to be different. It has to like strike something in her head somewhere to get it right

She’s a pretty intelligent type of girl - she’s independent type and she can be quiet too - but I know she is a reader and she likes doing her share of letter writing to her friends too, one of her best friends lives in Rome so she is always writing to her.

Hmmm I don’t think I want to watch a Grant movie for inspiration! lol

Be vulnerable? Why do I want to seem vulnerable? - Like you said lot’s of respect for her. Yes I agree, I don’t want to say I am a lost case and seem so…spineless without her.

Like I’m been away from her now for … 5/6 months - before we were very close. After this period away from her, every girl or whatever, things just seem boring and I’m not having fun or feeling as good as I did when I was around her or in contact with her at least.

Like since we moved different paths, I have been with some girls but no more than 2 weeks because I lose interest or find them boring.

She was really different - although quiet, it was this type of quietness which would have be always calm and relaxed inside. Was pretty cool and I’ve never been like that before. I may have screwed it up already but I want to write her one letter and try and make an impact with it - maybe strike the right nerve somewhere.

She’s a quiet girl like i said, she’s had her fair problems in the past, lives with her mom, parents divorced - she is quite philospohical type! - she likes to stay on her own in her room and just strum the guitar - she makes her own way to university and such. Really interesting and unique girl. I’m 22 - she is 18…Ummm…she’s just great and I’ve never met one like her. I just want to be able to write it in a special way for her.

Man - I’m in lurrvvveee !!!

6

Well, maybe it won’t work for someone so young (her), but just telling a woman you are bored is kind of a guy thing. Telling here that you are continuing to pour through women is a real no-no. Women (which I am not quite sure she is yet - 18?) want to find a guy they like and fix him. Tell her - no, show her in words, that you need to be fixed. That you don’t feel right without her. Boredom can be cured in many ways, by many women - by a succession of women. Like Hugh Grant in the first half of his movies. You want to tell her you’re ready for the second half. You need to be fixed in ways that only she can fix you. I dunno - you know the details, I don’t. “All I know is that, with you, I feel like myself, and without you (NOT with other women - there aren’t any, remember?) I don’t feel right. Nothing’s right. Maybe I just need someone to tell me why that is, I don’t know.” Only she has the answer, get it? “I want to be with you because I want to be more LIKE you.”

Do I have to write the fucking letter for you?

Children of divorced parents might have some issues about the dependability of relationships - she’s just moved out of the house, if that, right? Was her father the jerk? Have you talked about commitment? Maybe that would be pushing it. “I want to explore life with you” may be enough. Did you cheat on her? That one won’t be easy, especially if it mimics a parent thing. What was the falling out about?

You might have a bit of a sincerity issue. If you can so easily go back to your roguish ways, I’m not so sure it’s love. Maybe the first thing to do is to make sure it’s not just that’s she’s so hot and the sex was so good. Just a thought - I was young once, too. [/i]

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AHAHA Faust your posts make me laugh! Must be the way you write! I can write good too I think, I would like to think but you have a good way! Every post you have made, even though it’s about this girl so I’m missing so it is kind of negative, in your posts something makes me laugh or smile! It’s cool, hahah!

Yep our falling, it kind of struck her more I think because I think she saw her father in me or something. We had some few issues, like she is prone to the “drink” and it would often be me getting called up by her friends saying “Anna is a bit drunk, I think you better come over”

This happened a few times. I basically come in, “save the day”, get her out of there before anything happens.

After 3 times, I kind of got angry and for the first time in my life, I drink but I never get drunk, this time I got drunk and it wasn’t such a nice…time! I guess I was angry so it came out angry drunk and basically, I think I lost the plot and said some things to her about herself, about her family - i don’t know all what I said but it was all out of my ass.

It was pretty bad.

She won’t forget it and like for me, she’s the last person in the world I would want to upset and that one day, it’s so small for other guys maybe something like that but I remember nearly every other night and think how did I manage to behave like that with the only girl I care about? You know what i mean -

I want to be with you because i want to be like you? - Eh? I want to be like her? … That’s the only part I am confused on from your last post.

Yesss I need to be fixed - seriously and I think it’s only her. But I need to write it in a nice way - to get it across.

No man, trust me. I think I’m into her alot because it’s not just she is hot or the sex, alot of guys don’t get why I was with her! Because she is quiet type wheras before I would usually go with the so called loud girls anyways that is off topic…I am into her, alot. I care about her more than any other, I think about more than any other. It’s been 5/6 months since I’ve seen her but I still want her more than any other or if I cannot be with her, I just want to know what she is doing - so I am into her otherwise I wouldn’t make this topic or bother writing a letter if it was just about fucking…lol

Yep her father was the jerk - her mum really liked me too actually. I had meals with her and her mum so many times. Her thought I was a “gentleman” because I always take Anna to the door, drop her home and come out etc etc. I was into her like no other. No she lives with her mom only, although she sometimes has issues with her mom too - she would say to me and I would say “no ur mom is cool” etc etc

I didn’t cheat on her. The falling out, she saw me drunk, I got violent/angry drunk although I never touched her! - but i swore, said some bad things about her family for giving her so many issues or problems - although i probably got it all wrong - and everything changed in that one night

sucks huh

how old r u? im guessing ur married - if i could do a letter which would strike a nerve somewhere that would be sweet - if i could do a letter where somewhere in it, something would make her smile, that would be sweeter

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u know - she is younger than me and you could still call her a “teen” but she is really smart and mature in the head - like everyone has their flaws but i respect her alot and she has been through some hard times from like 13-17 kind of age and she is pretty strong i think. i almost look upto her - like a hero of some sort. She’s great. Different…very different to ur normal type of girl.

9

Reach back in your memory banks… way back.

Find something, some conversation or concept she’ll have thought you’d forgotten about, something that will catch her offguard.

Start the letter out like…

"When we first met I was this type of guy, through you I grew up, you’re so strong and beautiful, each day I was around you I knew that I only wanted to be the man you wanted me to be. You’re the pillar in my heart when I feel weak. You are so much a part of me it hurts, like a part of my smile has been deported. I didn’t know it till I lost you but I need you… I admire you, without you around the colors just arn’t as bright.

Remember the time you said this? Well give me one more chance… let me show you that <this could be anything really… …>"

Something like that…

like faust said… beg, but don’t do it with words. Be so heartbroken she can’t help but want you, but also be cool and subtly assertive enough that she’ll know if she says no, she;ll be missing out.

10

raider - seriously, now, no joking - you’ve got some issues to deal with. Firstly, the girl is clinically depressed, and uses the alcohol as medication. Alcohol is her friend. You made it her enemy, by getting drunk and forcing her to confront stuff she will never want to. She will always be EXTREMELY sensitive to any criticism of her family, and will not like an out-of-control drunk telling her what is wrong with her and her family. Did her father get drunk and abusive? She’s going to be the one who’s out of control, you cannot be. That’s not just during the kissy-kissy making up part - get used to it for good.

I take it back - you have to grovel, because you fucked up bad. You have to express to her that you were UNFORGIVABLY out of line. Because she won’t forgive you for that - she will just use her sharp denial skills to leave it in a forgotten place - until you do it again. Don’t give me any shit about how mature she is - she just isn’t the silly bimbo you are used to. She is somber. Are you sure you want her? I sure do - I love a damsel in distress. Lotta work, though. Just remember that you will always have to be the hero - that’s what she wants. Don’t fuck up with that - ever.

The movie you should watch is Pretty Woman - the female rescue movie. Gere was vulnerable, he needed her, but he never lost his cool. I think he did once, and she was pissed. Mostly he was very cool, and in control. Too much in control, which is what she wanted to fix. Be in control - of yourself. You must tell her that you were way way way out of line - that there is nothing wrong with her family - families are families - they all have problems. Right now, she feels like she’s an incurable freak, doomed by nature and nurture to repeat the past.

And she is a kid. She wants a new daddy figure to fix, because she can’t fix the real one. But she needs different things to fix than he had wrong with him. Don’t be fooled by her seeming ability to be in control - to be independent - that’s a sham. Leave the drinking alone - it’s part of her, at least until she finds a better way. She can talk all she wants about her issues - YOU CANNOT! You can accept her for what she is. You will be happier if you really mean it.

I am not joking. You are not going to turn her into the wife you suddenly want - you can only marry the person she really is. Cleaning her up for the wedding, or drunkenly rehearsing for that, will not work. You were angry - don’t you wonder why? I suggest again that she is not what you want, she is merely the first real girl you’ve met. But if you insist, you must face the fact that you are angry. Get drunk again, and think about it. If you are angry again, that’s a clue. If you want to rescue her, see her for what she is first. And don’t decide just what you are going to rescue her from until you know what you need rescuing from.

Being just like her? You already are. Gere admitted it, they were two of a kind. If you and she are not both in need of rescuing, then forget it. If you are, then tell her. Let her decide when and how you will rescue her, just like the girl in that Gere movie, Roberts.

Oh, and don’t give up. She will test you for a long time.

11

Yeah I know what your saying Faust. I don’t joke all the time.

I’m not into her just because she is the first girl I’ve met like that or something, I’m like you also in the sense that I like to help someone, I like to have the girl who I can help in anyway. That is all I wanted to do with her, like help her because the first time I saw her, I saw this kind of person that was sad inside but put on this front that was cool and I remember we started talking a littla about herself, like her family like within the first 2 hours I met her I think which…I don’t or wouldn’t do with another for sure.

I know I fucked up badly when I got drunk - it sucked, it’s why, it’s not me…I’m not this type of person and it why like I mentioned before, I always think to myself, “How did I become like that?” - it’s totally fucked up, I’ve never become drunk or anything until that one day, and the day, the first time I did, it was infront of the only person I would never have wanted to be drunk infront of.

It was a one-off th ing which I kind of lost it - and obviously for someone like her it isn’t one-off and it changed everything we had, just like that - i think of it all the time, because it almost feels like I have this guilt kind of thing inside of me - bleah I never say that to anyone, I just put on a front too, I don’t really have a close close type of friend I say all things to - she was a type of person for me who I would speak all to as well as like.

How do I express I was unforgivable out of line? Sorry isn’t good enough, just Sorry it was so bad etc etc - has to be something more.

Am I sure I want her - I’ve though of her since the last time I saw her, 6 months ago! It’s not like that for me with any other girl (BUT I WON’T MENTION THAT WHEN I WRITE TO HER!)

Yes I know, I don’t want to talk about my issues, I don’t have any - it would sound lame if I did. I’m happy man, I have a good family, I’m just a normal guy myself but if I do have an issue, it is basically I think how did I lose the plot with her when I was so into her.

When I want something, I hardly give up. I don’t think I can with her until she firmly closes the door or something.

The last time I saw her, we didn’t even say bye properly…because I didn’t want to say bye to her like that. I am really into her and I can do anything to prove it, but more than proving how much I like her, I need to do something else…

Thanks for what you wrote Old_Gobbo - it’s cool what you wrote, but I’m not sure if I want to make it a typical love letter - like your the whatever of my heart and stuff l ike your so beautiful etc etc

She is a different type of girl - she isn’t your typical girly girly type of girl - she has a strong sharp side to her. Don’t know how to say it.

You guys, especially Faust have helped me more to think and say some things about her and it’s interesting to see views from other people who don’t know me or her.

I hardly talk about her to people - most of my friends don’t know her that well. Like I said she is quiet type, she only opens up to certain people. She opened up to me, and I think she feels like I let her down or something in the end - so in a way I may have even closed her up even more. I don’t know but I need to fix this shit because it has been on my mind ever since I last saw her. I’m not content with this at all.

I have seen her now and again, a few times, she’s seen me too, but the last time we ever spoke to each other was 6 months ago - last time we saw, maybe was like 2 months ago but we never said a word to one another. She was with her friends, I was with one friend of mine.

I fucked up bad huh

12

I thought I might add also - one of her favourite songs is “Iris” by Goo Goo Dolls - not hard to see why

" And I don’t want the world to see me
'Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am "

13

Raider, I was going to reply to your post earlier, but it didn’t contain enough information (your post). Now that Faust has done the dirty work fo coaxing some substance out of you (gotta love the socratic method… or was that psychological!?), we can navigate this quagmire.

And now without further adieu(is that a word?), here are THE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT: …but first, let’s establish some grounding mechanisms.

You: Boy.
She: Girl.

You: Like (I know, understatement).
She: Not so much.

You: Obssessed.
She: Is not here, so we don’t know (does she even care? Reason being, you’ve had this concucted, festering , putrid dialogue building up in your head like bad gas over the six months and we (I can say ‘we’ here since we are now sharing) don’t even know what’s going on in her head. You are not stalking her are you?

So,
You: Festering dialogue.
She: who knows (it’s not like you’ve engaged her to find out… oh, she refuses to talk to you (could be a hint… girls are subtle that way).

You: Don’t like rejection.
She: Very guarded (especially when one pierces her very soul with daggers she’s worked so hard to guard against (what’s a little guilt trip among friends… huh Raider?).

You: Enjoy the occasional elixer.
She: Drowns her pain in said elixer (never a good combination).

You: Are S.O.L, but be strong.
She: who know anymore (see where I am going with this?)?

Okay, now that we’ve established you are a jerk who will take no rejection for an answer, let’s finally move on to the RULES OF ENGAGE… huh? what? Why did I call you a jerk?

Exhibit number One: You got plastered and proceded to call her on her stuff.

Exhibit No. 2: Her mom likes you perhaps because you remind her of her husband who incidentally used to drink and beat the living daylights out of her in a jerky kind of way. (your witness).
As you can see, you have a few strikes against you. Maybe you should stop while you are still ahea… oh, Who are we kidding, you dug a hole so deep that getting ahead would be a comedic afterthought. But, since you insist on not taking no for an answer (you know, the whole hating rejection thing- you realize you might not really like her after all but merely are caught up in this quest for conquest somewhat misconstrued as love? Rejection can do all sorts of things to people).

Anyway, back to THE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT:

  1. Don’t seek a relationship. And by relationship I mean: NO INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP. This has to be clear (I did not say this was going to be easy). See Raider, you have to understand; at 18, her mental faculties are not fully developed (yes, I know, she is very independent). Her critical thought process is still maturing (and some never do). She is bound to react very emotionally and not quite cognitively to the situation at hand as a self protective response (there is nothing wrong with this).

  2. Go for friendship. No ifs and or buts. FRIENDSHIP.

  3. Stay away from elixers of any kind (at least around her).

  4. Accept her crap (remember a friend is there for support).

  5. Be patient.

  6. Stop obssessing. Be strong. go wash some dishes or something else to get your mind off her for a while.

  7. Did I mention no stalking?

  8. If all fails, follow Faust’s advice to the letter.

sorry gotta go. no time to proofread.

14

raider - sangrain has, as usual, demonstrated great judgement and wisdom here. I have nothing to add - the difficulty you are having in composing a letter is not a literary problem, it’s a reality problem. Don’t kid yourself that what you said is not you - it’s all you.

Sandy - adieu is a word, but you need “ado” here.

15

What i did is not me - you have no idea. One time. I don’t even drink. As for the other guy -

You talk shit. I cannot stalk her you dumbass because now I live in a different city. You know nothing yet to seem to want to know everything.

16

Listen, you are the one asking for relationship advice on a philosophy forum. No offence, but you deserve whatever responses you get. I’d advise you to not be insulting if the advice you receive happens to be useless - you asked for it, you got it. Don’t whine.

17

Well I appreciate the help I initially received from Faust and the other guy. I will work on something by myself for her, but I don’t need to read some pathetic post by some chump saying -

You just can’t take rejection

Stop stalking and all this crap -

When he does not know anything about me, or what type of person I am, or whatever. Yea’ I’m really stalking her when we live in 2 totally different cities. I don’t even phone her or send her messages, I actually changed my phone number because I wanted to just move on and go onto something else - yet I can’t so I’m just asking on a forum if I could get some advice on how to rectify in the manner of a well over dued letter. So thanks for the help

As for the other guy - FU :wink:

18

Again, no offence but this is precisely the point - he does know something about you and the sort of person you are because of this very thread. This whole discussion is a demonstration of things about you and what sort of person you are, to deny that there’s any basis for such statements (inaccurate though they may be) is false. You are clearly the sort of person who goes to an online philosophy forum for relationship advice. Now, a few others here have done the same and I’m by no means criticising you; if you’ve got good advice then this thread has been of benefit to you and that’s all well and good. However, in laying bare a personal issue on a forum ‘designed’ for other things you’ve got to expect a handful of unsatisfactory, or even bullshit, responses.

Best of luck with all this, I’ve nothing to add that Faust hasn’t already pointed out.

19

Screenraider, I hate to bust in on your thread but I have an issue that is not worth a thread in itself, and is somewhat similiar to the subject here. I need a place to put it.

Friends of ILP, I have a secret admirer at another site who will not announce herself to me. Here is a portion of a PM I recieved recently:

Now, as you can see, the only hint I have so far is the comment about Monooq, but, as I mentioned to her, Monooq calls every woman a slut and therefore its a weak hint. I can’t do anything with it.

Anybody wanna help me out? This girl is very intelligent and I’m a little excited about it…and would love to know who she is. I have an idea, but I don’t want to say any names as of yet.

20

Detrop,

I’m so in. :smiley:

Thankfully we have digital records…

Monooq only posts every so often (at least lately) so perhaps we can scan some of his posts for some slut comments. As well, we know the alias was female as per that rat bastard’s ‘slut comment’.

These two variables should be enough to get the ball rolling…

ps

Frig, I wish the ILP search function worked better. I’m testing it now… and my ‘chemtrail’ thread doesn’t even show up when I search ‘chemtrail’ I get nothing. Either Ben got a email to delete it or this search function really stinks and it’s making me even more paranoid.