This was a lost time, a time of transition from naivete to it’s exact opposite, complexity and/of the abstract.
I had my panic, and didn’t know what, or how tomanage it. I became a slave, a slave to the subtle difference, between the obvious and the subtle intricacies of the width of the grey area,within which i found myself dead center, and it marked me, for ever, at a time where reality and illusion were
contesting more and more of visual re presentations. At the time this was, at least for me, a Tv series, ‘Twilight Zone’.; The black and white either/or, of visual clues, led me to the either/or problem, either this, or there. It literally took the advent of color to come to terms with the true natureof the zone, into which i settled in, albeit with much lck of comfort.
The ideal became a form of representation, which translated over to the moral sphere, with which i was very strictly brought up and adhered to even to the present time, shades of grey come up as stearn reminders, of the inadequate and unwarranted use of this translated or transvalued. Then the beats settled it for me, for a time with Gysin’s cut up method, and could not get enough of Becket, in plays such as “How It Is”. In essence i had a though time with the translation, and nothing liberated me morethan Dali’s painting, ‘The Metamorphosis of Narcissus’.
Now i know well, from reading You over these years, that you’r style may be in sync with mine, You being much more focused, for instance Your Goethe essay kind of corresponds to my favorite idiom to , but unlike You, i had my aesthetic liberation from the slumbers in classic aesthetics. So, i experimented along with the so called advances in aesthetic rules.
Many ways of looking at blackbirds, as Wallace Stevens would say ’
Deborrah Kerr said in ‘Night of the Iguana’ that she accepts all forms of human behavior’. Pirandello dealt wth loneliness and so did Chirico. in his seemingly vast piazzas, upon 1 single firgure seemed
lost.
These visuals helped me to transcend a literally impossible gap, a gap which took Hart Crane ino the literal abyss of the Atlanytic Ocean. So, visual helped to the extent, to offset, a lack of understanding.
My cues and signs became totally visual, and the ideal became stung with these cues froming a grid of like minded signs. Cut them up, apart, flagallate the fetish of the parts over and above those of the whole, as a solution. Every day different and complete within it’s own grid.
But, how this lead to nihilism and despair i could not see it singularly, because it became a movement, where each drowned their own sense into the sensibiliy of the mass. And then there was dancing in the street, and everybody became everybody’s brother. Brothers were easy to find, and then i got a job in the post office, and all my co workers were black, and i understood for the first time of my life the meaning of soul. That soul gave me life.
That the should could connect the formalisms to which i since, slavishly conformed, toward the existential aesthetic leap, made me instantly into a Kierkegaard fan, for ever and ever. I became fixed into that leap, without which i would have crashed, just as Hart Crane.
My luck consisted of being able to bi laterally not burn the bridge behind me, and sustain the ideal of the beuty of aesthetes.
The read, Sartre, and became a self thought man just like the character in ‘Nausea’. Dropped philosophy, and started to go back to the source, the source wherefrom i jumped, to avoid a crashing disillusioned nihilism. I reasoned this out, drived it’s source, and gave new meaning to the idea of rational.
The transvaluation meant for me meant the eternal re currance of traspass of the bridge from one to the other side, without guilt or shame. I was playing chess with You at a time where it appeared i cheated twice. And then You and someone else, i thinkm it was Jesus, who changed my logo to shameful chess player. Well i changed that to shameless, since i knew, i had made an honest attempt to tell You Eric, that if it wasnt for a reasonable way to arrive to this position, (and anybody can )without recourse to a misinerpretation nof the a-priori as some kind of enamation. No, it is not, it is a reasonable recourse to a time when people did not burn bridges, can synthesize opposites, and clear the way for returns’
That only a minority can do this, was no hindrance at the time, because Nietzhes case of duplicity bothered me, and i really, really wanted to keep a grip on my sanity, for all the gods i heaven.
The ideal, is suspected now to be only the remanats of a passed era, but the suerralism of Dali, declaring strength to resist this reification, and even styalize it in terms of the classical mode, inspired me to be able to deal with any and most put downs.
This is the best i can do fo the moment, and i consider You a brother. As Always,Orbie.