fucker
I need to sleep. Been awake for many hours, need a cat nap.
If you have something to say, say it. If not, then I bid you farewell for now.
Good night, my friend.
you wish
Night.
asshole schizoid bullshit
Anyway, sorry, good night.
stfu
Thank you, swamp.
you are the swamp
You are a riot. You come in here crying about a girl and you leave here dissing the one whose shoulder you cried on. You are a piece of work.
We demand you get her in here so we can ask her if you are that way in person.
stupid, idiotic, paranoiac accusations
I don’t know. She would definitely say there is something dark about me that she can’t put her finger on.
I carry the shadow with me. Why? Because, for some reason, I was spared. It’s common enough. I was simply a witness. I don’t have the pathological charm of the abused that react that way, but I have a pathological sense of accompliceship. I feel I was an accomplice.
stfu wanker
I didn’t commit any crimes, only crimes against people I loved.
Mania, depression. Then throw cocktail drugs into the mix.
Not a good mix.
stfu wanker
Who feels safe on the internet? Seriously?
The internet is not a safe place.
I had a woman once ask me if I was a Satan worshipper. Which is funny because I was, but not in the way she thought.
Another asked me, openly, though rhetorically, how one can know if somebody is evil? That she knew she wasn’t, because she was kind to people. That one the attraction was profound, the type of connection that starts giving meaning to words like soul mate. Things were going on, I was leaving town, and she decided not to take the risk. When I went to her house, poem and flowers in hand, to protest, I noticed someone withdrawing inside in abject fear. The fear was so deep that I actually smelled it. So I left.
I’m fucked up. My wiring is different. I’m not dangerous. But I’m definitely not normal.
I mean I’m dangerous, but not to the weak.
Anyway, you get the point.
So you see my problem. I have this aura. It scares the shit out of girls, but only eventually. I used to just accept this cross. But this girl is worth figuring it out for, worth fighting for. Not worth scaring, I will walk away in a half second. But I have not sensed any fear. Other than the type of normal fear you mentioned earlier, about finding a suitable person.
For this one, I will try. I will transform my whole self if I have to. Even if it turns out I don’t actually have a future there. Maybe she is also helping me discover that, no matter what, maybe I do want to be healthy. I want to be a person that deserves her, not even to deserve her, but because that is the person I want to be. I want to figure out that fucking trauma.
Of course for now I am doing it here in the swamp. The swamp is what I know. But you have to start somewhere.