Thank you Ichthus, for being 1000% you, which is a seriously cool person.
expressive Jewish word here
Well. The first attempts must be awkward, no? One does not change in a day.
Have I been cruel to women?
Yes. Yes I have. I wanted them to do exactly what I wanted. “For their own good.” And then was disdainful and dismissive when they didn’t. Or angry. My anger towards women finds expression as exasperated pleas, which find unwelcoming ground. Obviously correctly so. As if I am the boss of them, here to tell them what to do.
“My way or fuck you.”
Thinking about it now, some of this must have come up with this girl. The way I tried to set up the date. The way I, without even thinking, communicate.
I have a world, a “vision.” This vision is surrounded by dangerous jungle and must be protected with a machete.
I’m bummed out now. But it’s still early, it’s 8:20.
Let’s clean the room.
One thing I have learned from your past behavior is that you are going to turn around and say the exact opposite thing you just said. Probably because it makes you laugh to do that …whatever floats your boat, man.
puts a curse on your boat
Jk. Astrology is bullshit and so are curses …unless they’re from God.
Yeah, you should just throw everything all over your room and get it as dirty as possible. And definitely do not record yourself singing a song while you do it.
…and definitely don’t dedicate that song to the Cheese’s mom.
No it doesn’t make me laugh. It gives the illusion of safety. I say something genuine, then feel exposed, then try to cover it up with swords.
This is already done. Almost no matter what I do to it now it wohld constitute cleaning.
No come on.
The quest is not “good,” good character or good conduct. The quest is strength, and strength includes that.
I have to get back to that place of powerlesness, of helplesness, and overcome it. Put away the swords, stop the pathological cycle, and overcome through it. Find the strength there, or from there.
Well ok, back to staring at the pen like a idiot.
Bet you can’t draw a perfect circle.
Translation, please:
When love arrives like this
It is not one’s fault
Loving has no schedule
Or date on the calendar
When desires meet
…
Horse of the great plains
Because he’s old and tired
But they don’t realize
With his little hurried step
…
That’s the section I sang.
Does she know where you live? Does she ever show up unexpectedly? If she does today, you’re welcome that your room is clean.
Happy writing.
It’s been bumpy. Things come out that are random and disconnected. I have to keep reminding myself that I will be alright (perhaps first time in my life where that is actually true) and that a mere day ago I was on the brink of suicide (which is what drinking would be for me).
Here are the results so far:
Somnolent from the sunlight
The lion sets itself, half on a rock
A thousand rockets spring from heaven
(Circles)
Sólo sabiendo lo que hay que saber
Only by knowing what must be known
Las palmeras se bailaban de un lado a otro. Un mar tranquilo se les asomaba. El salitre del aire era espeso. El olor a gasolina. Los peñeros que tranquilamente / hacían su transcurso / se transladaban.
The palm trees swayed from one side to the other. An easy sea reached out to them. The salt was thick in the air. The smell of gasoline. Fishing boats which languidly / made their way / transited.
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Life really is a miracle.
You guys are miracles.
Some poems you believe in the first half of, and the second half you anxiously write to try to honor the first one.
Sólo la noche oscura
conoce tus ojos.
Los pinceles que te hicieron
cayeron de las nubes
que bailan bajo las estrellas.
-
Si la luna se escondiera
y no saliera jamás,
tendría en tí una
heredera,
una hija más.
--
Only the black night
knows your eyes.
The brushes that made you
fell from the clouds
that dance under the stars.
-
If the moon hid
and did not come up again,
it would have in you an
heir,
a daughter more.
Let these extremes level out and find your okayness rather than bottoming out, …okay?
It helps me stay level to refocus to the source of all the goodness that can change, and appreciate them rather than grasping/clinging.
And to always keep in perspective that the challenges are opportunities to maintain that focus despite all the changes that may increase in difficulty, but will always birth something new and greater.
Thank you for sharing that beautiful scene. I don’t know why I love old, rundown, abandoned places so much, and it is paired with an old country road bordered by wildflowers. Favorites.
I love the way you put me at the ocean like that.
I’m very proud of your sobriety, and blessed by your creativity.
And you reply something like TLDR why you always gotta make it about you.