Strength. Strength is what I want. Poisonous traumatic reactions are not strength.
But maybe neither is remorse.
Remorse is a kind of strength I would say.
Strength is kind. I do believe that now. Coffee’s on the pot.
It’s kind of a lie, no? Pretending to go back in time and change something. There’s something obscene about it, something weak. But, at the same time, if I hurt somebody I care about, I don’t want that to have been the case at all.
Or this is what I don’t want: for any hurt or poison to extend into the future. I don’t pretend to change the past, it would be an insult to whoever. But I will cut off a hand for the future.
“Cut off hand.” Again into toughening territory. Where is the soft strength.
Don’t cut off your hand, dude. You might need it. Always handy to have a spare.
The weakness, the spot, the pain.
I reacted when I thought you were mocking me. Like you had been pretending to care, fitting into all the things I felt about a vulnerable thing, and then letting me know that actually only a pathetic weakling that you can read like a book would feel and act and react that way. Like I let down my swords like an idiot, and now had one in my chest.
Even worse, like I was disarmed for the future as well. Simply pray.
It was an imaginary sword. I’m sorry I used it.
It was cultural too. If you had said “crazy bastard” I would have understood.
I don’t think it’s a matter of feeling sorry. It’s a matter of what triggered it, and why. It certainly wasn’t reality.
It was actually a very charming thing to say.
There is only the reality we can experience ourselves. I have a hunch that it’s all the same reality.
Some reality, though, is confused and mixed up.
Was I overpowered as a child? Yes. Am I still a child? No. Was this a case of somebody trying to destroy me? Neither.
Reality that gets jumbled.
Is the ability to hurt strength? Is it?
Bkind reactions are not strenfth. Acting purely to rid one’s self of a feeling of weakness, and no other reason, is not strength.
It does do that sometimes, aye.
Well. Don’t know what the lesson here is.
I want to… but maybe we’re past that. I don’t know. Past “wanting” I mean.
Many worthy things to meditate on.
Pen and paper my friend. 
I was about to say
The cool thing about the warrior gene is that it recedes as you age.
No, I don’t need to “fix” anything or “solve” anything. I just need to continue doing life while keeping in mind what I want to be. By extension of course what I want to not be.
And here a thanks to @Ichthus77 for helping me see some of that
@Ichthus77 Yes I am Pezer. I have seen your patience throughout the years, and I have been a dick to you. God grant me to make it up one day.
And it is good to see you, too.
Yeah, it’s not remorse, because I don’t have anything to regret.
It’s a confusion about what strength is.
It’s also a kind of dispair, a fear of being cursed. As if nothing awaits me in this life, so why bother being worth anything.
I have to read the book of Job a thousand times.