This fucking empty wind feeling in my chest. I might call in sick tomorrow.
Fucking stupid.
See these are the extremes you gotta let settle into OK and just let them pass through. You have to be OK whether things are going well with her or your bike or your job — those things change. You gotta anchor yourself to the eternal okayness that can revive and calm every extreme. “It’s” there whether or not your feelings are.
Ok, sorry about that Ichthus, I got a grip.
You know, feeling a little less hysteric, I think I’m going to fast forward some things. One of my fellow cult members has been after me to join his crew for a month. It pays better, but the job is less fun and the work seems less stable. But I can just instaswing there, and just job hunt for a longer term gig.
If the offer’s still there. We shall inquire tonight.
I do feel it. And she did initially say yes to a date offer. She later pulled back, and I left her alone. I srill feel the interest. Because there is a workplace situation that might be skeweing the rsults, and because I have admited to myself that this girl is special and worth a lot more than this job, I am hetting another one and ruling out the false positive. If it’s still a no, she will not be “harassed.” I will be gone.
That was a very levelheaded response.
From Google Search’s AI Mode:
“The A∴A∴ is entirely decentralized and operates on a strict one-on-one lineage system. An initiate knows only their immediate instructor (the person who admitted them) and any student they personally introduce to the order. There are no group rituals, physical lodges, or public membership rosters. This cellular structure ensures that if one lineage suffers a dispute or fails, the remaining lineages continue to survive independently.”
And just as I’ve never received a Vajrayana empowerment except arguably, and late, from the Dalai Lama giving a group empowerment in a YouTube video I watched, I’ve never had any kind of express instructor to the A∴A∴, but arguably only Aleister Crowley, through his writings (unless the person who introduced Jakob and me had (had) an instructor himself and his introduction counted as an admission). And yet I’ve lain claim to this:
“Any neophyte of the Order (or, as some say, any person soever) possesses the right to claim the Grade of Master of the Temple by taking the Oath of the Grade. It is hardly necessary to observe that to do so is the most sublime and awful responsibility which it is possible to assume, and an unworthy person who does so incurs the most terrific penalties by his presumption.” (Crowley, One Star in Sight.)
And even to this:
Not to this, though:
“The Ipsissimus is wholly free from all limitations soever, existing in the nature of all things without discriminations of quantity or quality between them. He has identified Being and not-Being and Becoming, action and non-action and tendency to action, with all other such triplicities, not distinguishing between them in respect of any conditions, or between any one thing and any other thing as to whether it is with or without conditions.
He is sworn to accept this Grade in the presence of a witness, and to express its nature in word and deed, but to withdraw Himself at once within the veils of his natural manifestation as a man, and to keep silence during his human life as to the fact of his attainment, even to the other members of the Order.
The Ipsissimus is pre-eminently the Master of all modes of existence; that is, his being is entirely free from internal or external necessity. His work is to destroy all tendencies to construct or to cancel such necessities. He is the Master of the Law of Unsubstantiality (Anatta).” (ibid.)
- self-lightening
- ΑΘΕΛΗΜΑ
- self-relief
Lame.
15 characters
No, @Ichthus77, it’s actually awesome!
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There’s a grain of truth here. Did an intensity show itself that gave her pause? My experience is well outside the scope of most humans.
We will find out. At this point, I don’t think I’m battling her feelings (well, true romance has an element of battle), but her brain. That speaks very well of her.
We’ll see what she decides.
I don’t think so, though. I know fear. I have not smelled a trace of it.
I think her fears are more rational, of the type Ichthus intuits. “Is this guy worth a shit” fears. If I pursued her while in the same job, I would not be. My intention was always to leave, or to convince her to stop working. But I wanted to get to know eachother first.
We shall see. The retrograde (if someone just says retrograde, they mean Mercury) is around the corner. It may be it doesn’t work out. But I will leave my last card on the table.
Astrologically speaking, the advice might be to park the whole thing, keep beautiful relations with the girl, and ride the retrograde out. But trying to game God’s world basically never works. Astrology, I have found, is good for helping understand things, not decide them.
At work: the crew is the best I ever worked with. But the boss, him I do scare. Hahahaha I can smell the fear. Which is not great.
Only people that have known roughness in their lives can feel at ease with me, and they inevitably do, quite at ease.
Yeah. That does, I admit, give me pause. The storm is coming and I have shelter.
Fuck. To be in love.
That is the goal now. A man that wants to be a man has to be this, not an angsty artist. I have it in me.
@Ichthus77 I don’t have an English song in my heart. What should I sing?