Would you rather have a 9 inch nail in your eye, or live lobsters (with unbanded claws) in your pants?
- The nail in the eye
- The lobster nipping away at my genitals
- Why would I be facing these choices again?
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Homer: If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it’s that pelicans can be used to mix cement.
Homer: How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.
Homer: Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
Homer: Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
Homer: I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
Homer: I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
Homer: We can outsmart those dolphins. Don’t forget – we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, AND the pudding cup.
Homer: I thought you were dead
Mother Simpson: I thought you were dead
Gravedigger: Dang Blasted! Isn’t anybody in this dad-gummed cemetery dead?
Hans Moleman: (popping out of coffin) I didn’t want to make a fuss, but now that you mention it…
Krusty: Thirty-five years in show business and already nobody remembers me. Just like what’s his name, and whos-its, and you know, that guy, who always wore a shirt.
Krusty: I thought they were due! That game was fixed! The Globetrotters used a ladder for pete’s sake! C’mon! He’s just holding out the ball, take it!
Principal Skinner: That’s two independent thought alarms in one day. Willie, the children are over-stimulated. Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
Hans: A poem, by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see, my cataracts are blinding me.
Moe: Hi, my name’s Moe. Or as the ladies like to refer to me, ‘hey you in the bushes’
Moe: They think they’re so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.
Renee (Moe’s girlfriend): Really, you think I’m gorgeous?
Moe: Yeah, well the parts that are showing. I guess you could have a lot of weird scars or a fake ass or something.
Renee: You don’t talk to a lot of women do you?
Kent Brockman: Scott, things aren’t as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for Philosophy majors - useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
Kent Brockman: Good morning everybody, panic is gripping Springfield as giant advertising mascots rampage through the city. Perhaps it’s just part of some daring new ad campaign, but what new product could justify such carnage?
Lisa: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.
Marge: You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.
Bart: It’s valuable, huh?!
Comic Book Guy: Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I can’t allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go, go, for the good of the city.
Ned Flanders: I’ve done everything the Bible says - even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!
Comic Book Guy: These “Bat Pants†have been shredded by the Riddler.
Dry Cleaner Clerk: No, just your ass.
Comic Book Guy: That’s what I call my ass.
Announcer: Your cable television is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.
Wiggum (checking): Well I’ll be damned.
Sea Captain: Yar, I’m running a school for lobsters, we practice tough love, daily chores etc.
Marge: We’re not sending the lobster to a snooty boarding school!
Sea captain: I understand, it can be hard to let go. Tell me this then … (holds out hand)do ye have any spare change?
Grandpa Simpson: The last time the meteors came, we thought the sky was on fire. Naturally, we blamed the Irish. We hanged more 'n a few.
Apu: Oooo, a headbag. These are chock full of…heady goodness.
. I should probably start a family guy quote thread.
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