We live in a world in which we try to shame the shaming of sex. We recognize that sex is laden with stigmas of all kinds–coming from religion, politics, social moors, even science sometimes–but we live in an enlightened age in which we at least recognize this, and at most try to grow beyond this–grow beyond in the sense that one strives to talk about, share, and engage in sexual experiences, desires, thoughts, and acts without feeling held back by guilt or shame or fear of what one regards as such a natural and hardwired biological function–not to the extent that we violate the consent of the other, but in that in trying to gain consent, one is not ashamed to ask (and even in that case, requiring the consent of the other can be a barrier, a source of shame, for one who’s sexual fetish is to violate the consent of the other).
However much this may seem to be a healthy direction in which to travel for society, I predict that the farther society travels in this direction, the less of a bonding experience sex will be.
Why?
Because the thing that makes sex such a bonding experience between two people who lust after each other, love and share affection with each other, is that it’s their secret. Nothing bonds people together more than the sharing of a secret that only they know and no one else does. But if sex is not something to feel ashamed of, then why keep it a secret? A couple who has sex together and feels no shame, no stigma, about the fact that they had sex can feel free to share it with anyone and everyone. So what keeps them coming back to each other when they know they can experience the same thing with anyone else knowing that they live in a society where everyone is so open and comfortable with it, it can be as casual as doing lunch with a client–a different client every other day–because what’s the big deal?–we all know what it’s about, what it’s like, and we all know everyone does it, so why shouldn’t we?
But if sex is shameful, if it’s stigmatized, then how much more strongly will two people bond together if they break through the barrier of their inhibitions and share in a night of hot passion, knowing they shouldn’t, knowing that if anyone else knew they were doing this, they would be devastated–but also knowing that the person they’re doing it with is in exactly the same situation. It makes no sense to hide it from that person, so the dirty deed you just did, the abominable perverted act you just engaged in, the other engaged in it too, and you don’t have to hide it from them. In fact, you can even look in the other person’s eyes and see that they reveled in it, that they would do it again–so long as it’s in the privacy of their and your own abode–and that’s a secret you two can share all the way to the grave. Nothing bonds a couple than know they both partook in a dirty “bad” act together, and that they can trust that the other will never tell because, well, they would be in as much trouble as you.
Now, I wouldn’t say that the more stigmatizing sex is by society’s standards the better–beyond a certain point, individuals are so ashamed, so scared, that they’d rather be celibate for the rest of their lives than risk admitting to another–even in privacy, even in intimacy–that they have these dark, dirty, perverted desires for the other person–if a society goes that far, they’ve effectively blocked even the experience of this sharing of a dark dirty secret. Society has to be open and forgiving enough about sex to allow such encounters to happen, but not so open and forgiving that it’s no longer worth keep secret.
So a certain level of stigma, a certain level of shame, is necessary, I say, for sex to be a bonding experience between two people–for how else would one bond except by knowing that he/she and the other share a dark, dirty secret of what they did in the bedroom the other night, a dark, dirty secret that they don’t dare tell anyone else but feel perfectly comfortable and free telling each other? Sex shouldn’t be overly stigmatizing, but stigmatizing enough for couples to not want to talk in public about what they do in the bedroom.
hilarious